struggling and bitter

It has been a few days since I have blogged, mostly because I am too tired and napping has been my companion. "Ask for help" the brochures and doctors say. It is hard. I depend on the girls a lot and they help with no expectations. When not napping the days are long. Alone in the house, thinking about things is a lonely process. The phone rings....a sibling is calling....I cheer up for a brief second....after the customary "how are you?' comes out the dialogue is about how tough her life is......."Can you spare some money?" I am on a pension that pays less than half that I used to make. Getting hard to make ends meet but doing my best. "I have a little I say......"Great I will be by in awhile" Picks up money and is gone is a flash........no can I help you with that.....do you need anything.......I feel used. This process happened 3 times this week. Last night I did not sleep. Pain is radiating from hair down to my toes. The pain meds do not work.....so I am tired and sick of being in the house. Phone rings...."hey can you do me a favor the voice asks?""What do you need I say?" my heart sinks.....not even a how are you today. " Can you cosign for a car for me?" I don't know how long I was silent and I say no. I don't have much but I do have my credit....not willing to risk it. I say sorry I need to go and I hang up cry.
I think of mom and how she cosigned a car for her and I had to make 7 car payments and then mom had to file bankrupcy that I paid for. There is no shame from her... I could use a bit of help with household stuff and maybe just a bit of conversation.....but I am thrust into the role that mom was before. The savior. Who will help me? I will just help myself.....feeling alone and bitter

On the road again

I tasted freedom today. I have been locked in the house for days......yearning to see the world but too tired to drive and run errands. Today I have a Theraphy appt. Usually the appts are emotional and draining. Today is different. Marissa offers to drive me around to my appt. and do all the errands that I have to get done. I am as excited as a little kid knowing I will be out in the world. It didn't matter that I was armned with hand sanitizer.....I got some freedom from my home. We go Lodi, then back to Galt to the bank.....I introduced Marissa to our safety deposit box.......telling her this is where the papers you may need are kept. It was like a rite of passage......here daughter someday you will have to watch over these papers. We went to my theraphy appt. I am in a good mood.....I realized that my reality is what it is.....I am no longer struggling againest the cancer just accepting it. I have no anger to unload. We talk instead of great resturants and of my half of eyebrow.....first time my appt is not emotional and I don't want to be there.......I want to be out with my daughter riding in the car people watching.
I am not supposed to eat out......but beg Marissa to stop at resturant. I tell her.....lets just enjoy the day.....wanting to put off coming home as long as possiable. Afterwards we come home and just spend time together enjoying the conversation. Fixing dinner together was a first. She taught me to make artichoke brussetta.....we dream of going to New York.... I fix a plate to send home to Jen.....get an email from a dear friend and today......all seems normal.......the vicodin staved off the pain.....but the joy of the day brought lots of light.

EYEBROW

Strange day. My stomach says its hungry to my brain...I eat.....and my stomach flares up in brutal agony dying for relief. Wanting to hug the porcelin bowl but it will not come. Only left to whine and double over in pain. I say I will not eat....yet I do and I pay the price. I looked in the mirror today...something was missing. I looked harder. Half my eyebrow is gone. It must have left during a nap.....gone to find a new home amongst the cushions of the couch. I keep waiting for my hair to fall.....it is annoying me with this heat. I pull it up in a bun....realize I am going to have one huge head without hair. I seem older.....whithering before my own eyes. I think of Frida Khalo's pain and eyebrows, wondering if she painted in moments of great pain or just waited until her pain ebbed. I want to create today...but only have the energy to lie on the couch wishing for relief from the pain in my stomach. I made a flyer for the art show.....sent it out......hoping to stir interest in the show I want so badly to succeed at. Right now I want to succeed at throwing up to find relief......tell my stomach....."come caca".

Weekend Bliss

It has been a wonderful weekend. All week shut inside with sickness and isolation....then hooray the weekend is here and the the girls come home. This weekend we do our semi annual trip to the bay area for a sample sale. We are trained true shoppers to get in and out of the designer warehouse. Going through racks quickly, looking for the unique and cute. Clothes that are not the cookie cutter mall clothes for one of my daughters.....spending her birthday money to update her wardrobe. The warehouse is crowded with other people....trying our best to not let me get near them or touch handles we are armed with hand sanitizer. We then take a needed break for a light breakfast snack at a nieghborhood coffee shop called "Farley's". Only locals who bring their babies and dogs crowd this in and outside seating area. The locals are freindly offering us a wonderful window booth. Savoring the moment of just being together over iced coffee and a sweet roll. It is early in SF...unusually hot for the the bay. We then head for Nordstrom to see if my daughter can use a gift cert. but the clothes are unispired. Too casual, no style for this young fashionista. Jen on the other hand could careless for the shopping and is content to just smile and add light conversation. Jen and I sleep on the way back to Sacramento....we stop at the outlets to check out some casual tee shirts that Jen ives in. She is not about style....she is about being herself. Comfortable in her own skin, only using clothing as a necessary item but not a statement on who she is. We are lucky.....she knows her size snags up several styles and boom we are done. We then need to hydrate and have a lemonade and salad. The day is not really about the shopping but about Mom and daughters sharing loving moments and time. Gossipping, laughing, sharing funny stories of the past and present. Talking about nutrition and how I will manage getting iron and lean protien when all I really can stomach is cereal and soy milk. But today I am able to eat.......and not get sick. Jen has a cold but is being careful to not to contaminate me. Ris has done all the driving and is brainstorming on what diet things we need to do. I am full of happiness and we head for home....beating the traffic but bonding our love. Blissful day just enjoying each other's company. Not many mom's could say that spending time with their daughters is better than having a million dollars. A reflection of a family we know......they have all the money in the world but do not spend time to get to know the children as adults. Each one is too busy and self involved to savor the simple moments. I am rich in the love of my adult children.....can honestly say they are my daughters but also my friends.

FAITH

I have been blessed by people praying for me. Prayers chains by,family, friends and cyber buddies and even complete strangers saying prayers for me. I never thought I would be grateful for them but I am. My faith is being renewed blocking out the dark side of fear. It has been a couple of days since the CHOP plus Rituxan has started. It has not been easy. Then I check my email and find emails and cards of prayers being said for me. It comforts me and gives me hope. The sickness does not seem as bad when there are prayers being said. I say my prayers and ask for forgiveness and that God look over my family and friends. Helping them and guiding them. My faith has grown deeper....and I feel happy that there are so many people praying. The angels are listening...I know it. I feel it.

REFLECTION

Today was a day of reflection, a scary journey into the new world of cancer treatment and facing my fears and struggles. Today I received the new chemotheraphy drugs. The treatment lasted six and half hours. Marissa and I started off the day by going to a little resturant to have breakfast. It is part of my new drug treatment to take 100 mgs of prednisone on a full stomach. Marissa suggested we start the day having pancakes, one of my favorite foods. I woke up early, fixed got ready, fixed out bag of food and left for the resturant. Yesterday I was told I needed to stop reading cancer materials and not to be afraid of being afraid. To ask for help when needed and it was okay to cry with my family. Simple words.....hard to do,
but worth the effort. Over breakfast I looked across the table at my daughter and saw that she was just as nervous as I was. I had so much to say to her but could not let it out. All I could tell her was how much I loved her....I wanted to say don't be afraid but I knew that would be fake so I just let her see I was as scared as she was. We get to the chemo department and the nurse begins to explain the new drugs. She tells me that this is going to be very difficult on my body. That I will be more fatigued then ever, that by the second week I will lose my hair. She said to take the anti nausea every 4 hours instead of every 6 hours so that it will stave off the vomiting. I listen and want to cry, but just smile and say lets just find a vien. A man is seated next to me and will not stop talking to us....he literally talks for 3 hours without taking a breath. The sleep that usually comes with the chemo is robbed from me by the man who is receiving arthirtis medicine.....he is trying to be chatty and cordial and all I want is to tell him to be quiet. I begin sweating......my back is drenched, and sweat is beading on my forehead. The nurses gather around to see if this is a reaction to the drugs. Treatment is stopped and it is suggested I walk around to see if I feel better. We go get water from the coffee cart and I am offered to go to a different treatment room. I agree quickly hoping to have peace to return to my treatment. The room I enter in has two elderly people engrossed in lively conversation. The man asks what type of cancer I have and if I have ever smoked. I tell him I am in my 40's.....yes hard to say out loud, and my diagnosis.
He asked how I felt when I was told that I had cancer. He said her and I are almost 70 so I am wondering what it is like to be told you have cancer so young.
I say I was and am angry and sad. He said he understood that. He had lived a long life and yet he had less than a year to live he had done everything he set out to do. The women agreed. She was at peace with dying. She had grown children and grandchildren and had accomplished everything she wanted to do.
Life is funny...I wanted to say I may not have lived that long compared to you, but I will continue to battle, but I just sat there speechless. I thought have I done everything in my life that I wanted to do? No.....but I have had some great moments in life. I had two beautiful daughters who not only got their undergrad degrees and working on a law degree or a Master's degree. But more importantly they were loving and wonderful women. I raised two daughters who were not only strong but geninue people. They are grounded in life and are fun to be with. I have great true friends who would come to my side in an instant. I have been blessed with pursuing an art career and have some success.
I got to know my mother for 83 years and she left a legacy of laughter and funny stories. I am one of 8 children who live far apart yet the bonds of family are strong. The chemo treatment is harsh and it is living hell on how my body feels.
It is late at night and I finally feel up to typing. I am greatful for the energy and for the blessings I do have. I listen to my voice messages and The Lymphoma Society will give me materials to display at my show. My profits will go to them for research. I hope one day I will benefit from that. The cancer journey has brought new people in my life........kind and genenous people that I may have never got to know. So no...I have not done everything in my life but their is still time and hope. Fear and sadness will be on this journey but I will be ok.

Where is my sleep?

Sleepless night is my torture today. I have so much to do during the day and sleep alludes me, playing hide and seek with my restless mind. I take the sleep meds and sometimes they work and most nights they don't. It is like putting quarters in the slot machine hoping for the jackpot of sleep but only twirls with nothing ever coming up. I finally get out of bed, bothered that a purse I bought 4 months ago is tearing at the seams. I bought the purse to celebrate a clear CT scan. The oncology nurse called and said congradulations your CT scan is very good, there is no sign of the cancer in your lungs anymore. The purse has ripped at the bottom of the seams now and the latest CT scan shows the cancer is covering my lungs. Funny how the expensive purse is a metaphor for my cancer.....its falling apart as my body is. I hunt for the reciept for the purse to return it. I wonder if I could exchange my body for one that is free of disease. Yesterday I went out in 107 heat to buy frames and mats. My sister comes along with me and looking for frames is exhausting. I am sweating in the air conditioned store and feel like I am losing my breath. We buy the frames and go to Chevy's for lunch. Two Puerto Ricans in a Mexican resturant and struggle to find something to eat. Everything is like imitation Mexican Food. There is no Jalepeno jelly on any real Mexican plate. I come home and begin to frame prints. I am exhausted, sweating profusely and breathless by the last print. I sit down and can barely catch my breath. The fatigue that has overtaken me is overwhelmning. The fan is going and the air condition is on. My husband says it is cold in the house yet I am so hot. I lay on the couch and close my eyes. I don't sleep but just rest. I then begin to shiver and am pulling over a blanket on me. My body can't decide if it is hot or cold. I need to get up but feel too tired to get to the bathroom. It is only a twenty steps away and it feels like a mile. My husband goes and gets fast food for dinner....a kind gesture which is unexpected. After I eat a few bites the grease and my stomach decide they don't get along and I am wishing I would have just eaten cereal. I am meeting a friend that I have not seen in a year who I worked with today. I have a meeting at the gallery to see the space and show her my collection and then off to see my therapist. I hope to get to the mall somewhere in the day to exchange the dreaded purse. I need to buy groceries. The need to pace myself is so great. I am dreading tomorrow the new chemo day....Someone sent me a joke "you know you have cancer when a bad hair day is when you actually have hair left to style." The joke makes me want to cry.

JOY

Exciting morning....So excited I can barely contain myself!!! Spoke to the gallery and I will have the entire 2nd floor of the building where they will show 20 pieces of my work! The show will open on the 2nd Saturday in August with wine tasting, tarot reading and massages being offered on the floor....so I should get a lot of foot traffic. It will be hard to choose 20 pieces....I have so much I want to show. The gallery is deepartyoga studio on 21st and H street in Sacramento. The studio is taking a big split but I don't care. I am excited that my work will be displayed. A part of my profits will go to the leukemia and Lymphoma society to find a cure. The rest will be reinvested in canvas and paint. I know I will never get rich off my art, but it does soothe me when my mind drifts into that dark scary part. Today the sadness and fears are tucked away, being overshadowed by the happiness of an August show. Two days until the new chemo starts and I am hopeful today. Funny how a small thing like a show can bring a smile to my face and heart. I want to annouce to the world to come and buy.......More money for research......More opportunities to smile. Pure Joy that someone looked at a sample and gave me a space for 20 pieces! I painted this morning to celebrate. The feeling of the paint gliding on the canvas felt wonderful. Each stroke helping to bury the fear and celebrate the light that has come peeking back in. I have so much to do. I have to frame and mat......I have to take a minute to dance a little dance of celebration...No that was not an earthquake that was just me doing the happy dance!!!

Sunday

Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week. The girls come home with thier laundry and stories of thier weekend. The house feels vibrant again with them in it. The laziness of the day feels good even though it really isn't any different from my other lazy days accept they are here. I read my email and find some wonderful surprises. I get an email from my niece in Puerto Rico......makes me really happy. She is my niece yet we only have met twice in our lives......I got to meet her wonderful family last summer. The connections is strong even though we live so far away from each other. Her husband is the type of person you want to be in a room with. Full of laughter and kindness. Her daughters are sweet and shy....reminding me of my girls when they were little. I wish we lived closer so my girls could get to know their family they have only really known through pictures and telephone calls. It is my goal that my girls connect with their family in Puerto Rico....I will wish and pray on this.
The next email I open is from an art studio. They are asking me to display for the month of August. This is a true surprise to be asked. I had a show in Hollywood last month and did really well......but to have a venue close to home is going to be awesome. I have been lazy about painting and taking photographs......my mind goes to what should I display. Some paintings are like my family.....tied up with emotion....I hate to part with them. I will have the girls go through the work and decide what I am showing. The sadness of yesterday is tucked way in the back......I am hoping it stays there. Right now I will plan on what to cook for the girls...something easy yet a favorite. Sundays are the best.

Just Sad

sadness over took me yesterday. It crept up silently until my heart was so heavy. I sent out a mass email telling friends and family what is happening. I am surprised at the response. I receive a handful of messages of support and one call. An email to my brother, sisters and aunt will not do so I call them. Each conversation is hard. Retelling my health issues and my emotional state is not easy. All are so far away.....Accept one sister. My brother is in Oregon and my other sisters and Aunt are in Puerto Rico. My local sister is concerned but quickly tells me how depressed she is. Her life is not going well now. My mind wants to reach out and try to help her but realize that right now.....I need some help. I need some uplifting. Feeling selfish for not helping her I quickly get off the phone. All day my heart seems to be getting sadder.........I hurt and am so tired. I think about how last year, my role was the drug dispenser to my mother who was dying. She pleaded for more pain Meds yet I followed the instructions to the letter. Now I know how she felt. The pain Meds only dull the pain for a while but it is still there....Nagging at you, tormenting you.
By evening I decide I can not sit home any longer. I need to see another person.....Even for just a few minutes. I make calls to my friends.....All have plans,my daughters have plans for the evening. Loneliness and sadness are my company to watch silly TV shows. I try to paint but quickly lose interest. Nothing I paint seems to look right and it only irritates me. I haven't started the new chemo and I feel so awful.......What will my life be like a few weeks from now?
I broswe the internet and find a book called "The patient from Hell." It is a story of a man with NHL and how he fought his battle. I order it hoping to find some answers and clues to what I am going through. It is 3am and sleep has left me. The tears of the sadness have not. The girls will be coming home this weekend. I need to put on a brave face and stay positive. I will bury my sadness with the help of "zoloff and valium." I still can't get over the fact that I sent out 126 emails ......and only 5 people responded with words of support. The sad part is, the ones who responded were only casual aquaintences. I don't want to be bitter but I am. I don't want to be a lot of things but I am. I examine my life and ask myself if I have been a good friend to my friends. To some I have been......to others I could have been better. This is my life's lesson. I will be a better friend when the opportunity arises.....and I will not expect anything in return.

CONFUSION

Confusion is my mood today. I have Chemo brain. A sense of fogginess that has taken over my brain. This term maybe unfamiliar to you but I promise you this condition does exist. I am forgeting things and peoples names. The simple explanation maybe old age....but I promise you I am not that old. I look at everyday objects and struggle with remembering what they are called.
I run into people at the grocery store and they come and talk to me and yet for the life of me I can not remember who they are. "It's been a long time they say.......how are you?" I look around and think....wow....who is this? I play it off, make casual conversation and when we part still struggle to think who that person was.
I got a shut off notice for my water a week ago. I have the money to pay the bill but each time this week I have started to write the check, I have forgotten what I am writing a check for. Last night I heard the sprinklers going and I sat up in bed, saying OMG I have not paid the water....I get up at 2am and tell my husband that he has to pay it tomorrow or the city will come and turn it off. I quickly go to my bill pile and flip through them and think......how can I have forgotten to pay the bills? I don't forget to eat....maybe bills are not that important in my world.
I have said my prayers as long as I can remember. I realize last night that I maybe leaving parts of the "hail Mary" out, so I just tell God, you know I am just going to talk to you........that way I won't feel confused when I pray. I have so many things I need to do today......I just can't remember what they are. Chemo brain........maybe I will forget I have it.

Life is a bowl of cherries

Yesterday was an emotional day. A mixture of bittersweet moments mixed with extremely joyous moments. The morning held tears and by the evening I was enjoying the company of my daughters and their friends....listening to laughter and gossip. I am afraid, scared and hopeful. My daughter's friend left a card with a qoute from Maya Angelou, it said " I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." A very powerful statement. It touched my soul and gave me hope. I am afraid of dying.......leaving behind my loved ones and not completing my lifes' goals....but I also see this as a growth time. I can wallow in my crisis or I can embrace the time I have and celebrate the very essensce of life. I choose to embrace life....no matter if the valleys are hard. I will savor the moments and dig into that bowl of cherries.....enjoying the sweet and the bitter.
I was at the hospital again this morning to see another doctor, have blood drawn and pick up another 2 bottles of meds that have been added to my gallon size bag of existing pills. As the blood was attempted to be drawn....the young woman could not find a vien. I watched as the needle was poked and dug into my flesh. Amazingly I felt no pain. I focused on the image of the smiles of the previous night. The girl gave up and summoned another. This girl found a vien as I watched the blood fill the tube....I was grateful that I still had the strength to sit in the chair and smile. I will go forward with grace and laughter, recognizing that I will have sad moments in the future but not letting it reduce me. I wish you all peace today.

Merry go Round of life

Today I had chemo and a visit with my oncologist. I was lucky that a vien was found quickly and the toxic drugs begin to be pumped into me. My daugher sits by side, giving me her lovely smile trying to make me laugh. It is her birthday day so I want today to be a happy day even though we are at chemo. I chatter and look around the room. Someone is missing. The hispanic woman who has chemo on the same days as me is not here. The onclologist nurse comes out and ask if I have seen Claudia yet today. I tell her no....the nurse has tears in her eyes. I ask her in spanish what was wrong........she tells me that Claudia was given bad news today. Her cancer is worse, but that isn't really the awful problem. Her insurance is exhausted and she is an illegal immigrant who doesn't qualify for state assistance. Her husband is legal, but that will not help her. She is sent home without treatment or the aide of hospice so she can die with dignity. I look over and Marissa is in tears, we hold hands and both say silent prayers.
The merry go round seems to be going slower now.....I am so much aware of how I am blessed that I have double insurance and I have someone to hold my hand during the tough times.
Minutes later the nurse helps me to a room and my doctor starts to feel my back and stomach.
I have felt the lumps.....I know that the chemo has not been working. He says what would I like to do? A funny question.....I almost laugh and say I could use a brownie right now. A little chocolate always eases the pain. He offers up a more aggressive chemo treatment with side effects of nausea, burning feet and hands, loss of appetite (like that will happen) and hair loss.
I ask him if he has helped a lot of people lose their hair. He says yes, and hands me a booklet on wigs, hats and scarves. I tell him that I am not ready to give up the fight yet and will do the new treatment and embrace the baldness. I just really hope I don't have a lumpy head.
I tell my daughter the news.....I make a joke and tell her I love her and her sister.
We leave the hospital and head for the bakery to pick up her birthday cake. I order us brownies and savor the richness of the chocolate. At 7 we are meeting her sister and her friends at Zelda's pizza for her birthday dinner. The party is a success and everyone is having a good time......I don't drink but order one. I will not let the news of the day ruin my daughter's birthday. I see the girls who grew up with my girls now married and one is having a baby. It is wonderful to know someone who you knew as a child is now expecting a child. I wonder if I will see my girls have babies......I will spoil them if I do.
The wierdness of the day was we recieved and heard such sad news.......yet hours later we are laughing and having pizza and cake. I remember my friends in my lupus group and how they send me prayers......saying "Lord let the blood of Jesus cover you and heal you." "Nothing but the blood of Jesus." Life is truly a merry go round......one minute you are up and the you come down again......but the ride does end. I hope my ride will end with peace and laughter and I would be lying if I didn't say...a few brownies would help.

Stay Positive

"Stay Positive and good things will happen" I want to tell you how many times I have been told that and "do not worry" but I have lost count of the number of times I have been given that advise. I try to focus energy on the good thoughts but at the back of my mind it is always there. The nagging voice of fear. Today is a chemo day and I will see the oncologist about the new painful lumps and fatique that I am feeling. I put on a brave face for the world, but inside I am just afraid. I have seen that Cancer has changed me. I no longer crave material things, but wish for time with family and friends. I know it is hard for them to be around me for I don't always have energy and am in pain. I say what is on my mind and it is not always pretty. I pray to the angels and God to take the worry and fear away and sometimes I am at peace. Then the pain returns and I struggle inside with the "positive thoughts." In the paper there has been a series on a young boy and his mother struggle with cancer. I read and identify with the boy and the sense of futileness of treatment. I identify with the mom with the mounting bills and the lack of Social Security to kick in. They have been granted wishes by "make a wish" and Chris Webber the basketball star. There is no "make a wish" for adults. I would not wish for anything other time with family.....time to be happy with them.
Today is also my daughter's birthday. I wish her peace and happiness. I wish that she has her dreams fullfilled. She grounds me......tells me that I need to stay positive. I want to grant her that wish. If only the that nagging voice would quiet down and keep the fears in check.

ROSS THE INTERN

I have butterflies in my stomach....I could not sleep last night and was scanning the internet reading my favorite blogs. I read Ross the Intern blog from the Jay Leno Show. He is so funny and real. I got the idea to blog......wrote out my feelings. Then I got brave. I sent an email to Ross to read my blog. He actually emailed me back. Small thing but big butterflies! I can not believe he took the time to not only read it but email me back.
Ross's blog is one of my favorites. I laugh at his job search on Jay Leno. I have to say I loved the weatherman one the best. His smile is infectious. I am a Ross blog addict....I wonder if there is a group for this......"hi my name is kiki and I am addicted to Ross the intern...maybe they will have donuts there to pass the time....
Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday and a chemo day. She will spend her birthday watching me have chemo. We are meeting her friends for dinner at a local Pizza Place called Zeldas. The waitresses have attidude but they make the best pizza. I pray that I will be able to eat. I have to get a cake.....was luckly that I got her gift before chemo started.
Going to try to sleep....still smiling from the email....would never have thought he would take the time to write .......

This is me.....cancer and all

I am a mom, an artist and I am dying of cancer. I have Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage IV. The diagnosis of the cancer was delivered on December 21,2004 by a radiologist who said "I have good news and bad news" after doing a mammgram, ultra sound and biopsy. He said " the good news is you don't have breast cancer....the bad news is you have lymphoma." I breathed a sigh of relief....hooray I don't have breast cancer.....but what is lymphoma?

I quickly learned what Lymphoma was from doctors and the internet. I was amazed that I had this disease. Why me kept playing over and over in my head as my brain tried to comprehend the news. I cried.....I held my secret in until after Christmas and then told my family.

My first Oncologist said I would be put on something they call watch and wait. This means they hold treatment until the disease has become so aggressive. I could not understand this. I sought out and found a second opinion. The second Oncologist said yes "watch and wait" was an option but there was also chemotheraphy because the cancer was all over my lungs, stomach and breast.

I chose Chemo. Chemo is living hell. They hook you up to an IV and drip in the toxic drugs that seek out to kill the cancer cells. The fatigue and nausea is overwhelmning. I did 8 rounds in 2005 and went into remission. Every 3 months there after I did a CT scan. This summer I learned the cancer was back and I am on chemo again.

The moment the IV is started......I drift into a strange sleep. It is if you are being transported above your body. My daughter holds my hand and says words of hope and comfort, and I try to respond......not knowing if I am actually talking or not. I feel as if I go with the angels...and they are deciding to keep me or send me back. When the treatments are ending I wake up hungry. My daughter hands me a light sandwich and water.....and I see the other faces around me that are going through their own battles. So many people. They look so much older. Their eyes hold a saddness and some have smiles. I know the smiles are for their loved ones....but the fear and saddness in their eyes leave an impression on your soul.

I paint to pass the time when I have energy. I can no longer work. I take massive amounts of drugs for pain and anxiety. My paintings are my expressions of my feelings. I take photographs of things I find interesting.

Priorities change when you are faced with cancer. Time is so important now. Time with family and friends. You notice the small things you took for granted before. The color of the sky at sunrise. The quietness of the night. The wind on your face......or the feeling of cool water in the swimming pool. Possesions no longer have meaning. A phone call or a card from a friend is cherished. The smiles of your children are etched in your heart and mind.

There are regrets I must admit. A marriage that I have stayed in for convience. The regret that I will never have a soulmate.....The marriage that I thought was ok really isn't. I settled so that I could have possessions and give my children things. I can not leave the marriage now for health insurance is so important. I traded my life for material things. There are no do overs in life. I love my daughters this marriage produced. I have wishes that will never be fullfilled.

I want to tell the smoker on the street to stop....for I do not want them to have to go through this cancer journey. I never smoked but was around people who did. I don't know if I got cancer because of it....but my mind wants to have a reason.

Okay.......this is a first look at me....I do not want pity...for people are so quick to offer that up......I want to just tell my story.