Powering thru it

Chemo sickness can not be explained in words. It is the most dreadful sickness than you can imagine.  It is like having your insides turned inside out.  You know you need to eat and drink and your body does not want to cooperate.  Gagging at a drink of water is not normal.  If you take the anti nausea drugs, you become constipated and that leads to more problems.  It is an endless cycle of sickness.  Today I am trying to power thru the sickness without the drugs.  I am forcing myself to eat and drink and hoping to God that I don't lose it.
I even put food in the crock pot for dinner so my husband will not eat cereal for dinner.  I will not let cancer stop my life.  I can't let it stop it.  I am determined to get past the bad part and find my way on the healing path.  So I eat protein like eggs and cheese and yes toast, because I love bread, I will power thru this sickness.  I will be better.  I have to be.

Day after chemo

Yesterday was my second chemo session.  My husband and I travel the long journey to the hospital and see the oncologist and then I am ready for chemo.  I have a favorite nurse and am lucky that I get her again.  She sprays a freezing spray on my chest where my port is.  The spray is cold.  It becomes stinging cold when she says take a deep breath and pokes the IV into the port.  It is flushed and the Benadryl bag is hung to begin the eight hour chemo session.  Not sure why but have been emotional with this chemo.  I know I shouldn't compare my journey to another person but I do.  My friend has just completed her chemo and radiation.  She has had to have follow up surgery and is recovering.  Her friends have been very supportive of her.  Each day during her chemo and days after her friends have brought meals and have offered assistance.  She post on FB that she needs a ride to the doctor and many are there volunteering.  On the recent Relay for Life, many people walked in name and posted picture of bags and balloons with her name on it.  She had breast cancer and was just told she is cured.  The support for her and her family is something amazing, like out of a lifetime movie.  I am a bit jealous and ashamed that I am.  My husband does all he can for me, but I spend my days alone.  No one comes to bring meals or to visit.  My family lives a few hours away so I only saw them once last month.  This journey is lonely. 

Rough day

Some days it is better just to stay in bed and bury your head under the covers.  Not sure why I am emotional today.  Perhaps it is because Mother's Day is coming and I miss my mom and had she been alive her birthday would be just a few days away.   
  I have been slowly getting out.  Sitting at home with just the company of the cat, my laptop and TV is lonely.  This morning, I woke up at 4am.  I just don't sleep and have not slept since I was diagnosed with cancer.  After reading my own blog I realized that is when the no sleeping pattern started.  I usually get up, fix myself a cup of coffee and read emails and check Face Book.  Today I opened up an ETSY store in hopes of selling some artwork to help with costs of going for treatment and blood tests.  My laptop froze and when I tried to bring it back online, it would not give me a screen.  I kept restarting it and nothing.  Finally somehow I got one window open and have been using it, but it is sick and is going in for repair tonight. 
  Yesterday I went to the grocery store for some food items I needed for dinner.  I don't wear a wig or scarves because they are hot.  I have been using a head band, wearing earrings and make up so I don't look too out of place.  At the bakery section I had the feeling that someone was staring at me.  I could feel it.  I turned and there was a woman in her 50's just looking at me.  I smiled and turned around.  That feeling of being stared at stayed with me as I slowly walked down the aisle.  I looked again and she was next to me just staring again.
She asked if I shaved my head on purpose or if it fell out.  I said it was a side effect of chemo.  I was a little unnerved.  She then stated I should cover my head.  I just walked away quickly and headed for the check stand.
  My stalker was right behind me.  She kept asking questions... I tried to ignore her and to be polite.  She then asked me if I was contagious.  I said no, she was more of a danger to me then I was to her.  She had to say again that I should cover my head, she felt it was disturbing was her quote.
  The comment stayed with me.  It hurt my feelings and I could not believe the ignorance.  When my laptop started to go out this morning I got sad.  I use this as my lifeline, my dairy...so having said that.  I hate the thought of losing my laptop.  The lady in the store yesterday and the laptop had me in tears. Silly but the worst part of being on chemo is the isolation and loneliness.  I just cant go out when I want and the lady made me feel weird so it took a part of my self confidence.
  A bright spot to my day.  UPS delivered a package for me.  I was surprised because I have not ordered anything in a while.  I opened it and found a lovely Mother's day gift from my step daughter.  It contain some cute items, a drawing by her son, my step grand child. lots of her family pictures and a card.  I broke down in tears.  The kindness of this gift was so amazing.  It touched my heart.  I did not expect anything and this gesture was huge.  My emotions are so up and down, all I could do was cry.  I texted her a thank you and told her how much the gift meant to me.  It was so thoughtful and her gift made me even more emotional.  Not sure why, but it will be treasured always.
  I posted my stalker story on FB.  My friends were quick to comment and give support.  I didn't post it for pity, but to let people know that when one is dealing with a disease like cancer, it makes life pretty hard on days. 
  My ETSY store resulted in two sales today.  The cost of going to treatment is a expensive.  A friend bought two pieces of art and I am so appreciative.  I travel almost two hours one way to go to the doctor or give blood.  The extra money I earn will pay for copayments and gas. 
  Today was rough but it also contained many blessings. 

I am bald again

This morning I woke up and found out that part of my bangs were gone.  I took a shower and a few clumps of hair came out in my hand when I washed it.  I have been waiting for this so it was not a surprise.  Baldness has never been a worry for me....if I was to lose a limb I would worry.
  I wanted my hair gone because the thought of having it fall out in clumps was depressing.  John said when he got off work he would shave it.
  I emailed and texted friends to see if they knew of someone who could shave my hair.  In the small town we live in, all the salons were closed because it was Monday.  So I spent the day being cranky and painted.  Time seemed to slow down as I waited for 5pm to arrive and John would be home.
  After dinner, I asked if he would shave my head.  He had already set up a mini station out in the garage.  The first cut felt wonderful.  I was no longer a slave to my hair but the freedom of baldness was at hand.
  I took pictures of the process.  It made me happy as each piece of hair fell to the ground.  Reaching up and touching my bald head felt great.   Being in control of my destiny was heaven.
  At the end I touched my head and got a wonderful kiss from my husband.  The baldness was a badge of honor.  I am a cancer warrior.  I am in control of my future....Score is Cancer zero and I am up by ONE!!!

A new life

My life started over when Armando died. A freedom came with his passing.  Depression left, even with still having Lupus an NYL Lymphoma I began to thrive.  Doing social projects with the Chicas and making new friends was wonderful.  Each week my week was filled with a new activity and joy.  I no longer depended so much on my daughters for happiness but what I could do for myself.  I did things to make me happy.  I bought a bike a started riding around Midtown.  I started a losing weight slowly and taking better care of my appearance.  I felt joy again in the small things.  I started reconnecting with old friends and new friends.  It was if a dark cloud had been lifted over my life.  The light was shining in.  My daughters and I were not as close but we had an understanding and still cared for each other.  They were no longer my whole world and I was okay with that.
  I started going to happy hours with the Chicas after events.  I avoided them before because I did not drink and hearing their dating stories was not something I was interested in.  I became the designated driver to the happy hours and they were full of gossip and fun talk of their dating escapades.  I was on maintenance chemo and it was easy to manage.  I no longer felt bad asking for help.  Friends chipped in and brought food when I needed it during the chemo days. 
  I looked forward to the happy hours after the projects.  One night at El Torito's restaurant, someone thought I should have a dating experience.  My picture was taken with my camera phone and a profile was written.  That night I decided I would take it down the next day.  When I opened my email the following morning it was like opening the doors to the Chocolate Factory.  There were so many flirts and invitations to talk that my mailbox showed over 50 responses.  I was curious and started reading them.  Some were ok but some were interesting.  When Jennifer came home from work, I showed he all the emails.  We laughed and I told her I didn't think I could actually meet these men who had flirted and written, she balked.  She said "Mom that is a free coffee date or lunch that you are turning down. Go for it!"  I then thought this might be fun, and who could turn out a free lunch out?  My first date was with a man who worked at the state capital.  He was a few years older than I and divorced.  We talked on the phone and he seemed very smart and nice.  Our first date was a walk through Capital Park.  We chatted and found we had a lot in common.  He called that night for a second date.  I did not know what to suggest, and did what I know best...I asked if he would like to do high tea.  High tea was great for daughters and girlfriends, but not a real great date for a man.  Finger sandwiches and tea were not the best place for a man in a shop full of ladies with large hats and frilly dresses.  It was funny but we did have a good conversation.  We ended our date with him suggesting the next place.  We went out a few times, but his job was demanding and he was at the mercy of the state.  At that time it was a budget crisis time and a few dates were missed because he was pulling all nighter's with the senator he worked with.  I decided to explore some of the other email companions that kept emailing.
  My next date picture was of a man with a Mohawk.  He looked trendy, was a hair dresser and when we spoke on the phone sounded like he and I had a few things in common.  I agreed to meet for coffee at a Starbucks.  I chose one far from my home because I did not want a stranger knowing where I lived.  He only had one pic a face shot and that should have been a warning.  I always stated on my profile that I was not a Barbie but not Barney either.  I was overweight.  I did not want someone to be surprised when they met me.
 I sat in Starbucks waiting for him to arrive.  I carefully situated myself so I could see all the entrances and parking lot.  I saw a man pull up in an older car with a Mohawk.. My stomach fluttered with anticipation.  Then the door opened.  He was shorter than his profile stated.  I am 5'4" and I could tell he was shorter than me..  He was also rounder than his profile stated and his picture must have been taken 10 years ago.  My stomach sank as I knew this was not going to turn out well.  He spotted me and sat down.  I skipped the hug and extended my hand.  He was happy with me and said so.  He was chatty and began talking about his life.  He had been an addict but clean for 5 years now.  He was 43 and lived with his parents because they needed him in the house for security.  He had lots of tattoos and after he talked about himself nonstop for 30 minutes and never asked me about myself, I was done.  I told him I had to pick up my daughter from work and it was good to have met him.  He tried to reach in for a goodbye kiss and I skirted his massive embrace.  He asked if I would like to meet up again and I said I was not sure but would call.  Bye the time I headed for the freeway he had texted that he found me fabulous... I texted back that I thought it was not a match and thank you for the coffee.
  Each day emails flooded my inbox.  I would email first then graduate to phone conversations and if it seemed promising would meet up for a quick date.  Jennifer was right. This was a great way to try out the eateries I had wanted to try but could not afford.  No one though seemed to be my match.  I did get an offer by a financial planner to help with my pension plan and a ride in a restored 67 Chevy, but there was no one who really caught my eye.  At one point I started getting emails from a man named Robert.  He worked for the IRS and seemed very nice in his emails.  He lived in southern California but traveled to Sacramento for business once a month.  Each morning I had an email from him for almost a month.  I would email him back at his work and he always responded.  Then it occurred to me one day that he never emailed or called during the evening or weekend.  I had a sense that something was off.  I finally asked him in an email one morning if he was married.  He became very defensive.  He first claimed that he wasn't and I said then call me tonight.  He said he could not.  I just said, please admit you are married.  He did.  He said he was unhappy but with me, he could see a future with.  I declined.  I told him not to contact me anymore and he started sending 100's of emails a day.  I told him to stop or I would report him.  When I found out who his supervisor was and threatened to tell on him, he left me alone.  I was now really not wanting to do online dating.
  One night I was looking at profiles.   I saw a handsome man whose opening line was "if you are after my money, please don't write me."  It made me laugh and I thought he is not that good looking so as a joke I wrote him and asked how much money he had.  He responded with a witty reply and we began talking to each other.  He lived almost 2 hours away from me.  He finally asked me to lunch and I was so excited.  I was finally going to meet the man who made me laugh and the sweetest voice.  We agreed to meet at local hot lunch spot.  He called a half hour before our date and said he had made good time and was there.  I said I would be right there and went to meet John.
  I instantly recognized him as he got out of his truck.  He was cute, in a nice shirt and jeans.  I was all smiles as he was what his profile said he was.  He was kind.  He was self assured and a very good conversationalist.  Our lunch lasted hours.  The waiter asked if we were going on the Saturday Art Walk and after a brief explanation he said he would love to continue our date.  We looked in art galleries, had dinner and drinks and then we went to play pool.  I did not hesitate in getting in his truck.  I felt safe with him.  This was a first.  We started our date at 1130am and it ended close to midnight.  I told him my opinion on dating.  That dating was like the old box of cracker jacks.  Sometimes you got a prize but most time it was a sticker.  At the end of our date he asked if he was a sticker.  I said no, he was most definitely a prize.  We hugged good night and I was sorry to see him leave.  This was the first date I actually liked.
 John and I started dating on a weekly basis.  He would either drive down to see me or I would visit his home in Oroville.  He was an excellent cook and always was a gentleman.  We never ran out of things to talk about and enjoyed doing things together.  He met my daughters and they got along.  I met his daughters and also liked them and their families.  He sent me cards and flowers.  He would leave cards in my card when he visited or in my house to find.  This man was an angel.  I really started to like him. 
  I was the first one to utter the words I love you.  I was embarrassed when I said it...  He was surprised and I thought I scared him.  I said I didn't mean that..it was a slip of the tongue.
  The next time we saw each other, he held me and said this is not a slip of the tongue.. I love you.   I for the first time in my life knew I had found love.  It was awesome.  It was so sweet.  It was heaven.
  Each weekend we had a date night.  After a year of dating I had a fundraiser that featured my favorite movie Breakfast at Tiffany's.   John agreed to go with me to see the movie with Jennifer and another friend.  He said the next night we will have a date night and go to dinner just the two of us.  Lets dress up and make it a fancy night.  I was so excited.  He liked the movie and the next day we got dressed up for our fancy dinner at the steak house Morton's.  When we arrived he checked us in and they said our table was not ready, but the restaurant was half empty.  The manager said go into the bar and we will ready your table.  The drinks are on me.  This was exciting.  Our table was ready and we ordered.  We were told the specials and the waitress said they had a special dessert but it took so long to make that it had to be ordered at the beginning of the meal.  John knew I loved chocolate so he ordered it.  Over dinner we talked about the movie.  He asked me if I remembered the part when George Peppard asked Holly Golightly if she had been asked the 4 magic words by the Brazilian man.  I was like "oh yea the 4 magic words"..I looked at John as we were seated next to each other and started to say the words.......are and in a moment of quickness John pulled out a beautiful ring and said "The four magic words are Will you marry me?" I stared at the ring and cried.  I said yes. Suddenly there was a photographer that was taking our picture and we were kissing and embracing.  I said I need to tell my daughters...John responded that he had not asked for my hand in marriage but had told all the kids that he was proposing tonight.  I was so surprised. I never felt more loved in my life.
He proposed on 4/20/12.
  It took tons of planning and stress but with the help of my friends, one who became an online minister to marry us. And the help of our families we were married on 8/11/12.  I had the fairy tale wedding that I never had.  Breakfast at Tiffany's was our theme and colors.  It was beautiful, it was the most amazing night of my life.

Hello old friend.

Hello old friend.  I found you my blog after being forgotten and left alone in cyberspace after so many years.  I started to writing to chronicle my cancer journey, spousal divorce, depression and feelings that I could not utter out loud.  Yesterday I stumbled upon it and spent reading all the posts that I had written.  It made me sad.  The years I spent so depressed and hopeless that as I remember the feelings and thoughts I know longer have the same outlook on life.  My life has gone through so many changes in the three years since I last wrote. My life is better...still with cancer but no longer feeling hopeless and lost.
  When I moved to Sacramento to escape a horrible marriage that was full of both physical and mental pain.  My life changed.  I came from abuse but I had lots of resources, a house and I thought a very supportive set of friends.  My friends have come in and out of my life, the true ones stayed.  I was lonely and I read an article about a group called Meet-Up.  You find something you are interesting and you join the Meet-Up group to find others who have common interests.  I joined three groups.  One was a Trivia group, another was Sacramento Singles, and the third was Chica's Latinas a woman's group who was devoted to doing community projects.   I quickly learned that though I know lots of silly trivia, the people of the trivia group were not friendly and after a few gatherings, I decided it was not for me.  The Sacramento Singles group was interesting.  Their main goal was to go to bars, try to hook up and drink.  I did not fit in since I was not a drinker and my luck with men was not great so I feared getting involved with anyone.  The last group had promise.  I went to the meeting and it was a cross group of women from their 20's to 50's who wanted to do things to change how Hispanic women get involved in the community.  I was lucky, I connected with the group's founder and we became fast friends even with our age difference. I was much older and she was in her 20's.  We had the same outlook on social projects and I filled my days volunteering at woman's shelters and other causes with women who had it worse off than me.  Pity was replaced with a sense of purpose.  I did not have much but I had the time to give to others who had less than I.  It was a fork in the road for me.  I took the fork and felt better for it.  I still was dealing with cancer and chemo but I was channeling depression into feeling good about myself because I could listen and identify with the women at the homeless shelter.  I had not been homeless but I had despair.  I knew that starting over was hard but it was obtainable.
After helping out with various projects, I no longer sat alone in the apartment with Jennifer.  I hosted small gatherings with the ladies I met.  I found out that I could cook a dinner party with findings from the Dollar Store and Grocery Outlet.  They brought the wine and I cooked a good meal.  I could bake a mean dessert and life began not to suck as much.  There were challenging days.  I steal struggled with finances but I started saving small amounts and every once in a while I would sell a piece of artwork.  I showed at every chance I got and my story of abuse and cancer helped me with producing some good photography and paintings. 
  The best part was I was also able to help my oldest with my first grandchild while she worked.  I had a cancer break and the baby had colic and I was able to soothe her.  I took her on outings to Gymboree and played with her and Puggles the puppy who turned out to be a great dog.  They both made me fill loved.  The love that had waned a bit in other places was being replaced with that of a new love of being a grandmother.  I watched the baby for 6 months until I came out of remission.  It was a wonderful 6 months.  Somehow life felt different.  I had a calmness now.  I could deal with chemo and still do projects with the Chicas.  My new friends invited me out when I could and I was starting to feel happy.  A new feeling that had been missing for so many years.  Jennifer and I had learned to live on less and found out that there are a lot of free activities to amuse ourselves with.  I took over managing the apartment complex which helped with the rent and gave another thing to do.  It allowed us to have a bit more money to go on side trips when we could.
  I would babysit when I could and one June day after a session at Gymboree, I got a phone call from a number that  I recognized was a Kaiser HMO number.  I answered thinking it was an appointment reminder.  But it was not.  A woman who said she was a social worker with the hospital said Armando who after trying to divorce him was still my husband had been taken into the ER.  She said it was extremely important that come right away.  It was a matter of life or death.  I had the baby and quickly dialed my daughter's office.  I told her she needed to come get the baby and I thought something was extremely wrong with her dad.  I had a feeling that he was dying.  I told her something inside of me was telling me it was his time.  He had been an alcoholic all our married life.  Since he quit his job, the court ordered me to pay for his medical insurance and I knew he had been told that his liver was gone and that he might have stomach cancer.  Armando had been told that if he had another drink he would die.  He never listened to anyone so I know he was still drinking even after the diagnosis.  He still called me in the middle of the night to berate me.  Funny thing is when I started feeling better about myself, the horrible things he said did not hurt.  He no longer affected my self esteem. 
  Marissa came for the baby and followed me in her car to the hospital.  We went to the ER and told them I was his wife and had received a call from the social worker.  The guard asked for ID and went back into the office.  He spoke to several people and they just kept staring at me and my daughter.  Finally the social worker came out.  Her words were surreal.  Another woman had shown up claiming to be his wife and was in the room with Armando speaking with the doctors.  I showed her my ID and said he and I are separated, going thru a divorce but legally I was still the wife.  She left and soon the security guard was escorting a Latina woman out.  I saw her crying and it struck me, this was the woman who had claimed to be me.  She sat down and I was escorted in.  I saw Armando lying lifeless with a breathing tube in place.  The nurse said he had been found on the ground soaked passed out and someone called 911.  A doctor came in and apologized for the mix up and began explaining to me and my daughter that he was brain dead.  His liver and stomach had exploded because he had been drinking.  My torturer of all those years was now a vegetable on a table breathing with the assistance of a  machine.  He could no longer reach up and hit me.  He could no longer hurt me with his words.  I felt pity for him, and when I looked at my daughter in tears holding her baby I felt so sorry for her.  The doctor said I needed to make a decision because no advance directive was in place.  I thought for a moment and said I had another daughter and my husband had a brother that I wanted to speak with before I could give them an answer.  The doctor said there was no coming back from this and I needed to make the best decision for his quality of life.  I made a call to Jennifer's work and spoke to her boss.  I told them that it was an emergency and Jennifer needed to come to the hospital ASAP.  Jennifer did not drive so her boss offered to bring her.  I called his brother and gave him the same news.
  My daughter and I began to talk.  She was the attorney.  She was logical even in this highly emotional state.  We both knew that her dad would not want to be kept alive.  If there was no chance of bringing him back, he would want to be let go.  I told her Jennifer needed to be there to make sure she was on board with this decision.  She arrived within minutes.  We huddled together and cried.  We agreed that letting him go was the best decision.  Miguel, his brother arrived.  He started demanding that they do something.  Surely there was something that they did not try to bring his brother back.  The doctor said there was no coming back.  He said he wanted him kept alive.  The doctor informed him it was not his decision, but mine.  I was going to have to pay for the care and legally I was his wife.  At that point a receptionist came in and asked several questions.  First off she needed the copay for his hospital admission and that there was a woman claiming she was more than the wife to Armando insisting on coming in along with his other family and friends.  I said where is his wallet?  I was going to use his money to pay for this since I had very little.  I was informed that this woman had his wallet and was in the waiting room.  Feeling indignant, I mustered all the strength I had and walked into the waiting room.  I saw this woman being surrounded by Armando's friends and family.  I asked her calmly for his wallet and checkbook.  She said she wanted to know how he was doing.  I told her in a very controlled voice that I need his things to get him checked in.  She handed me the wallet.  His family asked if they could come back.  I said no.  His daughters were with him and needed time.
Once in the room I opened the wallet.  All his credit cards, debit cards and cash was missing. There were pictures of his daughters and his license only.  I paid the fee with my card.  The doctor came back in and asked if I was ready to make a decision.  I said yes.  I wanted him to be let go, in according to his previous wishes.  I asked if it would be painless.  He assured me it would be and they would be moving us into a family suite to wait.  My oldest daughter was struggling with the baby and I quietly told her to say goodbye and leave.  She needed to care for her baby and go to her husband.  She looked grateful for that.  She said her goodbyes and left.  Then Jennifer and I stood there with his brother.  He began calling his mother and other family members telling them what was going on.  I asked Jennifer if she would be ok for a few minutes.  I went out to the waiting room and confronted this woman.  Who was she? Where were his cards? Where were the keys to his car?  She said she had no idea about the money or cards.  His friend said he had the car.  I asked him if he would drive it back to the house and give the key to a trusted friend.   Armando had been moving the weekend before.  He had let our house go into foreclosure.  There was a check from the bank with both our names on it to leave the house that should have been in the wallet.  He had called me a few days earlier to see if I would sigh off on it and split it.  The check was not in the wallet.  I told this woman to get out of the hospital.  That she would not be allowed to see him.  I told her that the mere fact she pretended to be me was appalling and I wanted to give my daughter the last moment with her dad without her sordid involvement.  She looked at me with hatred.  She said I would pay for what I was doing and left.  His friends and cousins asked if they could say their goodbyes.  I said only his close family would be allowed in.  This was not going to be a circus.  I wanted Jennifer to have a peaceful goodbye.
  Returning to the room was surreal.  It felt like a burden was lifting but yet another was starting.  I thought it would be minutes before he would be gone.......but his body hung on for hours.  We stood there holding hands praying and wishing that it would be over.  His close cousins came in and said their goodbyes and his sister came in.  She asked if I would allow his body to be taken to Mexico for burial.  I said yes but would need help with the expenses of sending him.  They agreed that they would help.
Suddenly a gasp was escaping from Armando and within seconds he was gone.  Jennifer screamed and asked the nurse to save him. It was over.  His body had taken his last breath and he was gone.  I cried, I felt a sigh of relief and prayed for God to forgive his sins.  Jennifer and I clung onto each other and all of the sudden the room was overflowed with his friends and family.  People were touching him, crying over him and causing such a commotion.  Jennifer became hysterical. She shouted to stop touching her dad.  I yelled for security and had the room cleared.  A pastor came in and we prayed again for him.  There is so much paperwork when someone passes.  So many decisions to be made at the spur of the moment.  Donor forms were put in front of me and I agreed that whatever could be saved should be taken to help anyone it could.  I called my other daughter and told her that he was gone.  I called my family and gave them the same news.  Jennifer and I finally left the hospital and went back to the apartment.  I called the bank to see if there was money in the accounts to help with the shipping of the body.  They explained that hours before all his accounts had been cleaned out.  I asked by whom.  The bank said someone used his debit card and checks to empty out the accounts.  The woman at the hospital had made good on her promise.  She paid me back.  The next day I went to our family home.  I unlocked the doors and everything was gone. Even wall fixtures were missing.  They took all the appliances, furniture, his clothes and even the bathroom vanity.  It was an empty shell.  His family and the woman must have stayed up all night to clean out the house.  I secured the car keys and hid it at a friends house.  I called his brother and said I had found the house empty.  He said he had taken what belonged to his brother to pay for his expenses of going to Mexico.  I asked for the items that were mine, left to me by my mother be returned.  He said no. I asked for his suit for his burial, he said no.  He said I will help you send his body to Mexico but that is all you get.  I didn't know what to do.  I called my daughters and they were stunned and said, we lived without those things for a while now, let them have them.  I started calling funeral homes and found one to ship his body to Mexico.  They quoted 10000 dollars for everything.  I did not have that kind of money.  I called Armando's sister and brother and told them the cost.  They both told me, get him to Mexico as you promised and maybe we will help you.  I drove to my oldest daughter's house with Jennifer.  We sat around the dining table talking about what to do.  My daughter's husband said he would take care of the expense.  I will always be grateful for that gesture.  The next day, after not sleeping we went shopping for a suit.  My daughters bought him his final resting clothes.  His body was prepared to be shipped to Mexico but it took 30 days to get all the permits and proper coffin.  His family never paid a dime.  They stole everything, demanded his final burial spot and never even let me have a shirt for him.
  We were told after the arrangements were made that my daughters and I were not welcome in Mexico for the funeral my son in law paid for.  It was ok because we did not want to be near them.  We held a small service for him in Roseville.  We said our goodbyes.  The chapter of abuse was over.  I cried because at one point I did love him.  He gave me two daughters that mean the world to me.  He also taught me that I could not be defeated no matter what he did to me.  His beatings, his verbal abuse hurt at the time but in retrospect I became a survivor.  I learned to value people over things.  I learned that no matter that he called me ugly and fat, that I was indeed beautiful in my own way.  That I did suffer from cancer, lupus and depression but I was more than my diseases.  My life mattered.  I mattered.  I raised two daughters alone and even with all our imperfections we were good people.  My spirit had suffered over the years but God was still in my life and that sustained me.  I was getting a do over in life.  I could stay bitter over all that had happened or I could move on and see what the future held.  My life started over that June and it was a good start.