Expectations

Life is full of expectations.  When you open a jar of pickles you expect that pickles will be in the jar.  It works the same for people.  If you get to know a person, you expect certain behaviors and actions from them.  People do change, but fundamentally they are the same at their core.  They have been shaped by life so they might not party as they did in their twenties but  their core values are the same.  The mistake I have found is that I like consistency.  I know my life has thrown me some challenges but I adapt and move on.  I have lived with cancer and illness for so long it is a part of who I am.  I can't change that.  I know I will wake up in pain, have sleepless night and until the Good Lord takes me will be under some sort of treatment.  I currently am on chemo and I have adjusted to being extremely fatigued and know that I can become sick to my stomach at the drop of a hat.  It does not serve me to live with pity.  My lot in life is that I have cancer and I have to find a way to exist with it.  I may not like having a port in my chest because it hurts sometimes but I know it is better than a nurse digging for a vein.  
  I once lived in fear, regret, depression and darkness.  I blamed the world and God for my illness and my bad choice of an ex husband.  I chose the man, I chose to not leave yet I was depressed because I did not have the marriage that I had dreamed of.  I was angry at God for all the illness and the cancer.  With all the anger I became depressed and I lived in darkness.  Sadness was a daily part of my life.  One day I could not take it any longer and I left everything behind and left my ex husband.
I still was depressed because I still had cancer but now I was poor and struggled to get by.  Things got better when I sought out help with my emotional state and I started helping those who lived in homeless shelters.  It opened my eyes that some had it worse than I and it made me grateful for what little I had.  I accepted that cancer was a part of my life and though it was not easy, I was still alive to be a part of my children's lives.  Slowly I let the darkness and sadness leave me and replaced it with joy and thankfulness.   There were mistakes along the way out of the darkness, but I still was able to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
 A few months ago I was told I had to begin chemo because the cancer had returned to my lungs.  I was going to be on a different chemo drug and was told of the side effects.  One of the side effects was losing my hair.  I had lost my hair before but this time it did not come out the way it did before.  It came out in patches and the high doses of steroids cause me to gain more weight.  Before the chemo I had started on a weight loss program and had some success.  Now I was patchy bald and could not stop the hunger.  I gained weight.  Looking at myself in the mirror was not fun.  My self esteem took a hit.  To top it off my relationship was beginning to suffer.  The once shared intimacy has gone.  That also made my self esteem feel  more vulnerable.  There is no one better than I  to understand health problems, and I understand the other person having health challenges.  What I don't  understand is how the romance disappeared so quickly.   I want intimacy.  I want to snuggle, kiss, feel the embrace we once had.  Instead it was as if I  in a intimacy desert.  The surprising part was not only intimacy has gone, but also the desire to do things together left.    I asked to do things and it was shrugged  off.  Small arguments are now a part of our lives.  I am feeling like I am losing myself into a pool of self pity again.   Depression is creeping back into my life and I am afraid of becoming lost in it again.