Marissa's bday and stuff

Marissa's birthday was July 12th. It was celebrated with a dinner with a small group of friends at her favorite pizza place. The day was overshadowed by recent events. It was a bittersweet day. I wanted her to have a normal day, but with days prior to her bday it was hard to stay in the moment. On Monday the incident with my husband happend. On Tuesday I had a camera put inside me and on Wednesday I had Chemo. Then Thursday was her birthday. The evening was celebrated but I was physcally sick from the medical procedures and emotionally drained. I did my best to try to make her day special and if academy awards could be given for faking it I would get one. She is a woman and it is hard not to think of her as my little girl. My wish is that I have not scarred her or her sister on what a healthy relationship is.

I thank all of you friends and family for sending emails and calls of help and support. I am overwhelmned and grateful for them. I have not had the guts to respond to them, because of the sense of shame and embarrassment I feel.

I can not thank you enough for the kind words and love you have sent me.

I am in a holding pattern at this point. Finding a lawyer, trying to figure out how and where I am going to live has been something I have been working on. The worst part is I know I have to leave my house. The house that my kids grew up in and I bought from my mom. I remodeled it to my taste and needs. I will miss the kitchen of my dreams....with all the custom cabinets, granite and stainless steel. I will miss the tile floor that it tooked me weeks to pick out. I will not be able to afford the house note....I will miss the memories of this house.

Starting over is hard.....pray for me.....wish me luck.

Enough

When is enough? The last 24 hours have been a test of faith and self, and it got me thinking when do you say enough? No more, I surrender. It has been a family secret, something that I have been ashamed of for a very long time. Only a couple of friends, my daughters and my dear departed mother knew of the secret. Twenty seven years ago I got married not out of love but because I was settling. Afraid that I would not find love, so I married a man I really didn't know.

Not all bad came from my marriage, I was gifted my two daughters who are the love of my life. I put up with a lot of stuff because I was too caught up in the hiding of the secret. I did not believe in myself that I could raise my girls without finacial support so I stayed in a loveless marriage so I could put the girls through college and not admit to the world that I had failed at the marriage game. When my oldest daughter graduated from high school, another parent walked up to me and my husband and said, I have known you since our kids were in preschool, I always thought you were a single parent. My husband never showed any interest in the girls' activities. He was and is a functional alcoholic. He goes to work, and when he comes home he drinks until he passes out. In the early years of our marriage he didn't drink as much, but as the years went on, his drinking increased. He then became abusive to me, I left many times only to return to apologies of never again.....but it always happened again. I was sick with lupus so I stayed, for medical coverage, hiding marks and the pain I was going through. At one point he was so out of control, He came after me in front of the girls and they called 911. They arrested him, a restraining was put in place and I tried to make it on my own. I could not so after he completed anger counseling, I conceded and he came back home. We began sleeping in seperate bedrooms. We were roommates who shared children. He always professed he loved me, but the drinking and the abuse continued. I was embarrassed by this and told no one accept when my mother and friends witnessed it a few times. I still did not have the strenght to leave.

When you are beaten down so much, you begin to believe that you deserve it because you don't leave. Your will is broken, and your self esteem is nonexistant.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I felt inside that I was getting what I deserve......I was useless and this was God's way of saying you live in a toxic envioroment, now you have become toxic. In a screwed up way I believed I deserve to have an expiration date, somehow I think I was glad that I did.

Yesterday, my husband got off his graveyard shift. He began drinking as soon as he got home. He drank all day and verbally attacked me. At 9pm he came into the house after being gone for a few hours, and demanded I make him dinner. I offered up the leftovers and he did not want them. He started to come after me and I slipped out of his grasp and he went tumbling down hitting his head on the tile floor. He said it was my fault and he was going to tell the police I tried to hurt him. I was frightened. I called my daughter in tears as he lay on the floor cursing at me. She said call 911. I did and told them what had happened. They took him to the ER. My daughters came from Sacramento to drive me to the hospital. When we arrived they said he was combative and abusive to the nurses and doctor. They did a CT scan on his head. They wanted me to stay in the room with him and I tried to explain that it just made him madder. At 3am they released him with instructions that he see his doctor for alcoholism.

This morning I had to be at the hospital so the urologist could insert a camera inside my bladder. I got 2 hours sleep. I went alone, got an injection in my private parts and a camera was inserted. The good news is that the cancer has not eaten into the bladder. The tumor is just sitting above the bladder.

I have slept most of the day. I talked to my oldest daughter, and I have finally accepted that I have to leave. I can not stay here. I have chemo in the morning and as soon as I can I will try to find a place to stay where I can live on my social security. In my heart and in my mind the word enough resonates. I do not know what the future holds, I know it will be difficult but I can not do this anymore. The secret has come out....I am an abused woman. I have failed at marriage. I have the will to survive no matter what that will be. I am scared.

A lot to talk about

There is a lot to talk about today...I have not written anything since Friday. Jennifer's birthday was really nice. My bestfriend Manuel and I met up with Jennifer and Marissa and about 6 of their friends for dinner at a Greek resturant. You could see the excitement in Jennifer's eyes as she was going to have dinner and cake with me and then go out with her friends to the clubs. Dinner was good....a mishap only happenning when Manuels food was undercooked, then the owner of the resturant apologized and brought new food..while cursing the cook in Greek. It was like a Jerry Sienfield movie. We had cake at the girl's apartment and opened gifts. One of the gifts to Jenninfer was a bottle of Patron Tequila from a young man. It was funny seeing Jennifer and her friends take shots of the tequila and other things to jump start thier evening of dancing and clubbing. As Manuel and I left, they were walking to a local club where their friend bar tends for drinks....on Saturday Marissa reported that she was the designated walker and had to caretake all the others as they got pretty drunk. Since it was her birthday, everyone bought her drinks, and Jennifer experienced her first hangover....a lesson that Patron is not her friend.

On Saturday, I was tired...a sense of fatigued that was incrediable. I had not stayed out late but my body hurt all over and I was so tired, that doing small tasks felt as if I was mountain climbing. Sunday was more of the same accept I was running a low grade fever and I could barely stay awake during the day. When it was time to cook dinner I was greatful for Jennifer to help me get it done. Afterwards more pain and fever. It was hard keeping my eyes opened and I felt like I kept losing my train of thought. I was grateful to go to bed...my head was pounding,and my body was so exhausted. But as usual...at 4am I am awakened with the need to use the bathroom......only to have it trickle out.

Tomorrow Tuesday I will have a camera inserted into my bladder to see if the tumor has infiltrated. I am a little scared but I want answers and a solution to this tumor problem. My constant urge to pee and pain is awful, yet when I do go hardly nothing comes out. This scares me...

On Wednesday I will have Chemo. It will be the first time that my friend is taking me and not Marissa. I hated to ask him. His mother pasted away from cancer so I am sure that it will be hard on him to be in an infusion room. I am hoping that the urologist and the oncologist will have answers for me on Wednesday. The uncertainty of these new symptoms and the bladder tumor has had me have had a few breakdowns. I find myself crying in the shower, so no one hears my tears. I feel lost. I feel like I have to put on a brave face......yet I am so scared. I am scared because I have lost my sense of fight. The battle of cancer and lupus are winning. I feel defeated by the diseases. I am but a ghost of who I once was. A shadow on the wall of life. When I look into the mirror I no longer see me...I see remments of who I once was. There are no words to describe how I have changed. When I pray I feel I am bargaining with God to let me continue on.....I want to see certain things. I want to see my daughters marry. I want to not be a burden to my family and friends. I feel I am like water on the pavement on a hot day.....slowly evaporating into nothing.

What will happen remains to be seen.

Thursday is Marissa's birthday. I am hoping I will not be too sick from chemo to go to dinner with her and her friends.

July is quickly passing. At the end of the month Marissa will take the Bar exam.....then the wait until November to see if she passes. She is going to Costa Rica in August with her bestfriend for a week. As a mother, having my child travel to a strange country I know nothing about is frightening. It is part of letting go. Her journey into adulthood. Does a mother ever stop being a mother?

So my blog buddies, I have a big week ahead.....cross your fingers, rub your lucky rabbit foots and pray that the week turns out well. Okay.....the bathroom is calling....until next time....peace out.

Happy Birthday Jennifer

Happy Birthday Jennifer!!! Who would have thought that I would have two beautiful daughters both as different as night and day!

I remember when you were born,.....you came out with one push, wieghing only 7lbs with a head of curly black satin hair. You smiled so quickly and of all babies did not fuss at all. You were just a year behind your sister and you copied everything she did. If Marissa wanted a doll you had to have the exact same doll. When she left her diapers, you announced that you would not wear any either and gave up your bottle when she gave up hers. Your shy smile has brought much joy to my life and I can not imagine a life without you. When you were little you struggled with serious medical problems, but no matter what you conquered all. I am so proud of you. Not because you graduated college, but because you are the most honest and sincere person I know. You love everyone and never hold a grudge. Most girls value materiel things and you value friendships and love. I am honored to be your mother. I hope all your wishes come true and we will celebrate many more birthdays.

Memories

There are memories in your life and sets the course of who you are going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.

No one asks for their life to change, but it does. Its what you do afterwards that counts. Thats when you find out who you are.

As I sit here typing I refect on all the small moments and the large moments that have happened in my life and I wonder if I have lived my life the best I could. I think we all have regrets....on why we didn't follow a certain path, but we live with the paths we have chosen and do the best we can. I married young, got pregnant quickly, three months after the wedding. Nine months later my first daughter was born. Three months pasted and my youngest was growing in my belly. At 22 I was the mother of two lovely girls. I was also diagnosed with Lupus in between the pregnacies. Then 3 years ago cancer became a roadstop in my life. Cancer almost stopped me in my path...it was devasting when I heard the news. Then I decided to fight and I began this cancer journey. My life has changed so much....never would I think that I would be on disability, struggling to make ends meet and praying each day that I wake up. I have become stronger in some aspects, but weaker also. I constantly look and ask for new treatments in hopes of beating the expiration date that was given me. I mourn the fact that my daughters have become caretakers of me both physically and emotionally. That is something I would never have wanted to happen. When my daughters were born I only wanted the best for them. I wanted them to have educations and be strong independent women. They both have college degrees and more....and they both are strong and independent but if you look deeply in their eyes, you see worry.

Most women of their age do not have to worry about losing a parent or making sure that their parent is ok. Most young women have cut the strings and are building lives of their own. I regret that mine have to see me at my worse, and try to help me not loose it when things are not better. I cry for their loss of innocence. I cry that I still hang onto to them when I know that I have to let go.

It is hard to let go and not hang on.....going solo in this battle is scary. The path is full of letdowns and broken dreams. Each time a new tumor is discovered, I try hard to keep the faith. Lately my oldest is studying to pass her BAR exam so she can get her license to practice law. Her time is precious and is full of study.

It was hard for me to see that I had to let go and give her time, and not involve her in every detail of my battle. I had to face things alone...reach out to others for help when all I really wanted was her smile of assurance that it was going to be okay. The fact that I did changed me...it filled me with fear and loneliness so strong that I sometimes felt on days that it would be easier for all if the cancer would just take me. I had to fight those feelings and but I can see that once I felt strong, and I no longer feel that way. My doctor said I was a hero because I kept fighting, but I think he is wrong. The real hero's are my daughters that still love me even when I am hard to love. The fight that I once had is not as strong as it once was. I have finally realized that no matter what treatments or pills I take, this cancer is slowly eating me......heart, body and soul. I will try to keep up the fight but I know that I have no control on what life will bring me. I will just live each day as best as I can and see what these moments of time has left me to be.