This is me.....cancer and all

I am a mom, an artist and I am dying of cancer. I have Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage IV. The diagnosis of the cancer was delivered on December 21,2004 by a radiologist who said "I have good news and bad news" after doing a mammgram, ultra sound and biopsy. He said " the good news is you don't have breast cancer....the bad news is you have lymphoma." I breathed a sigh of relief....hooray I don't have breast cancer.....but what is lymphoma?

I quickly learned what Lymphoma was from doctors and the internet. I was amazed that I had this disease. Why me kept playing over and over in my head as my brain tried to comprehend the news. I cried.....I held my secret in until after Christmas and then told my family.

My first Oncologist said I would be put on something they call watch and wait. This means they hold treatment until the disease has become so aggressive. I could not understand this. I sought out and found a second opinion. The second Oncologist said yes "watch and wait" was an option but there was also chemotheraphy because the cancer was all over my lungs, stomach and breast.

I chose Chemo. Chemo is living hell. They hook you up to an IV and drip in the toxic drugs that seek out to kill the cancer cells. The fatigue and nausea is overwhelmning. I did 8 rounds in 2005 and went into remission. Every 3 months there after I did a CT scan. This summer I learned the cancer was back and I am on chemo again.

The moment the IV is started......I drift into a strange sleep. It is if you are being transported above your body. My daughter holds my hand and says words of hope and comfort, and I try to respond......not knowing if I am actually talking or not. I feel as if I go with the angels...and they are deciding to keep me or send me back. When the treatments are ending I wake up hungry. My daughter hands me a light sandwich and water.....and I see the other faces around me that are going through their own battles. So many people. They look so much older. Their eyes hold a saddness and some have smiles. I know the smiles are for their loved ones....but the fear and saddness in their eyes leave an impression on your soul.

I paint to pass the time when I have energy. I can no longer work. I take massive amounts of drugs for pain and anxiety. My paintings are my expressions of my feelings. I take photographs of things I find interesting.

Priorities change when you are faced with cancer. Time is so important now. Time with family and friends. You notice the small things you took for granted before. The color of the sky at sunrise. The quietness of the night. The wind on your face......or the feeling of cool water in the swimming pool. Possesions no longer have meaning. A phone call or a card from a friend is cherished. The smiles of your children are etched in your heart and mind.

There are regrets I must admit. A marriage that I have stayed in for convience. The regret that I will never have a soulmate.....The marriage that I thought was ok really isn't. I settled so that I could have possessions and give my children things. I can not leave the marriage now for health insurance is so important. I traded my life for material things. There are no do overs in life. I love my daughters this marriage produced. I have wishes that will never be fullfilled.

I want to tell the smoker on the street to stop....for I do not want them to have to go through this cancer journey. I never smoked but was around people who did. I don't know if I got cancer because of it....but my mind wants to have a reason.

Okay.......this is a first look at me....I do not want pity...for people are so quick to offer that up......I want to just tell my story.