Day after Chemo

Chemo was yesterday. My oncologist gave me some blood pressure medicine and last night during the time where I could not sleep I read the literature that comes with the drug. I said do not take if you have Lupus or Diabetes....well guess what, I have both along with the Non Hodgkins Lymphoma....so I emailed my primary doctor asking if I should take the new medicine. He said NO....it would throw me into a flare and could put me into a diabetic shock.....LOL so I am to monitor my blood pressure each day. That would be good if I owned a blood pressure machine, since I don't I will have to buy one....

I am feeling sick from the chemo....my body wants to either throw up or do something else. The anti nausea meds don't seem to be working. Sometimes I think I have enough meds to supply a third world country.

Life is not easy when you have as many diseases as I have....and am dealing with a personal crisis. The ticking of the clock sometimes feels like it goes way too slow....I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.

Chemo the day after Christmas

Today while some people were getting up early to hit the malls to shop for the after Christmas Sales I was given a chemo treatment. Doctor said things look good, other than having high blood pressure now. He gave meds and a test to check for colon cancer.....the directions do not look fun....I am kind of grossed out about doing it to be honest.

Armando keeps calling.....have had to keep my cell phone off so not to hear him ordering me home and calling me a whore. Of all the years being married I am considered a whore because I left a home that was full of hate. A house that has left me jaded and untrusting of love. I had a nice Christmas, the girls came and I spoiled them with gifts that I could not afford...and they gave me a new purse...a Dooney and Bourke....funny thing I thought I would not be seeing designer purses anymore.........it is almost comical that I had purses that filled my life instead of love.

Almost Christmas

It is almost Christmas. I have baked cookies and pies. In the morning I will make a pumpkin cake to take to my daughter's boyfriend house to celebrate with his family the eve of when Christ was born. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would not be in my house or on a vacation for Christmas.

Things have changed so much. I no longer have the access to money and credit cards...therefore I no longer drown my sorrows in material things. In its' place I have a sense of peace knowing that I have escaped an emotional and physical prison. My cancer used to be something I worried about, something I thought defined my life. Now I know is just a disease that I am surviving. I am losing wieght, not by choice....it is dropping off because I no longer eat to fill the unhappiness. My jeans are so lose that I have to pull them up. I cry out of happiness instead of saddness. Armando has called several times....he said he missed me. I wonder if he misses that I am no longer there to wash,clean and cook or to take out the frustrations of his life on. Does he miss the bruises he used to leave on my body and mind? I almost felt sorry for him but I stopped myself....remembering that I am strong. I am where I am supposed to be. There will be hard days....I frankly miss the ability to not care how much something cost. I now am grateful for small things. When I left home, I took only a few things....I left behind things like tweezers, finger nail polish etc. A friend gave me some for Christmas and it was like recieving gold. Another friend gave me a gift certificate to Target...not realizing how much I needed it to buy the little things I did not pack. Christmas is here....the time for rebirth....I am reborn with a new sense of freedom and strenght. I have a new start at life. I feel loved and I am happy.

Today is my termination date

Today is my anniversary of the date that I was told I had 3 years to live by Dr. Ferenato. If I had listened to him, I would never have seeked out chemo and changed doctors. So today, instead of planning a bleak future, I made Christmas cookies and had dinner with friends. We listened to music and sang the old Carol King song Just call when you need a friend.

Lets celebrate and say F you to Dr. Ferenato!!!

Divorce

Divorce is not easy. From the paperwork to the emotional ups and downs it begins to take its' toll on you. Some days are easier than others. Lots of anxiety over my future and then there is Christmas that is next week. The old traditions will not happen. Time spent with my daughters is far less than I expected. I wanted some things to stay the same...but that is how things work out. They are grown women with lives of their own. I need to find my own life now. Depend on myself. I am not sure from day to day that I will be able to keep my head above water. At times I feel lost. The weather outside is rainy.......maybe it is effecting my mood.

masks

It has been several weeks since I began this new journey in my life. There have been really good moments and some bittersweet moments. I know longer have fear of being hit or verbally abused. I miss certain things. Before the girls would come home on Sunday morning and spend the night until Monday and go off to work. I would cook a huge meal which included a special dessert. I am staying with a friend and over an hour away from my daughters. The last few Sundays have been ackward. The first Sunday I went to their apartment. My oldest daughter has a new boyfriend and they spend a lot of time together. She is very happy. She came on that Sunday with her bf for a quick lunch. I spent the majority of the time with my youngest daughter. It was nice and quiet. I felt strange not cooking a meal for them and being a guest at their home. Driving home I found myself crying. A sense of loss came over me. The loss of once was. Sunday was no longer a focal point for us. I suddenly felt lonely and sad. I started to doubt myself if I should have left home....but quickly remembered the reasons I left. I just don't think I deal well with change. Last Sunday the girls came to place where I am staying. We seemed nervous and strained. They had eaten so the meal I had planned on making did not happen. We instead went window shopping. They left after a few hours and again the same sense of saddness came over me. I missed them so much. I missed spoiling them with homemade cookies and just sitting and talking. We talked about Christmas plans and it seems it will not be what I had imagined it to be. I am learning to be flexiable and let others make decisions. It still does not feel like Christmas to me. I have moments of saddness that seems to engulf me. I should be feeling joy because I left a horriable situation.......but I miss the comforts I once had. I still feel lost and wish I could truely feel comfortable in my skin. I find myself worrying over money and overstaying my welcome. People have written and told me I am strong....but I don't feel strong. It is just another mask I wear.

Experian dates

The day after Christmas I will have Chemo. Most people will be lined up at the mall to return the unwanted gifts or try to score the great bargain of all the marked down items. I will be hooked up to an IV that will battle the cancer that continues to live inside of me. On December 21st is the anniversary of my cancer diagnoses. The conversation of that day still plays in my head....."the good news is you don't have breast cancer, but the bad news is you have Lymphoma," was what the doctor said....I remember I answered the phone while walking into the pain clinic and hearing this news. The stunned silence of not knowing what Lymphoma was. I now know everything there is to know about Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

As Christmas approaches, I am trying to find the spirit. Adjusting to a new life, and waiting for treatment is somewhat dimming the jolly feeling I should be feeling. Christmas traditions of times past will no longer play a role my life.

I hope I can find my Christmas spirit......I wonder if the expiration date of 3 to 5 years will be dis proven because on the 21st it will be 3 years of when the doctor told me to go home and not treat and live the remaining years of my life the best I can. The stubbornness in me wants to prove him wrong.

Purging the old

Today I went through the massive amount of clothes that I own. In my loveless marriage I replaced the love with material things. I had so many clothes and at least 300 pairs of shoes!! I had clothes with tags still on them. There is no space to keep it all....actually I don't want it anymore. My new life is filled with desire for happiness not the desire for things. Tossing and purging things is so easy....I now have freedom which replaces tons of shoes and clothes. So many years wasted, so much money wasted on trying to buy happiness.....and I had to do was take the step and leave. I still feel like this is not real.....but I am happy.

Not ready to make nice!

Things have happened so quickly this last week. I am moved in and unpacked. I obtained a restraining order to protect me and my daughters. I attended a divorce workshop and then actually filed the papers to liberate me. The calls and the emails have been supportive and encouraging from friends. I never thought the people who called or emailed would understand or support me. I always felt alone, scared and unhappy. I was so wrong. I waited too long to leave. My daughters will forever carry the scars of seeing an abusive relationship. I will always carry the scars inside of the abuse I recieved. Not sure if it will go away. But the sense of freedom and happiness for being out of my marriage is incrediable.

He called me yesterday....wanting help to do what the court had ordered. I am not ready to make nice. I am not ready to forgive. I guess it will take time....but maybe I will never be in that place.

Changes

It has been a while since I have had the courage to write. I finally took the steps to free myself from a marriage that was abusive and demeaning. In the middle of the night I loaded up a UHaul truck with my clothes, a few art supplies and some kitchen supplies. I left behind everything else. The house where my mother lived for 29 years.....and I remodeled when she passed away. I left behind all wordly possecions to embark on a new lifes' path. I am in hiding....feeling a bit lost but also free. Free of the fear of abuse both mentally and physically, free of all the restraints that I learned to live with. I won't lie that I am not scared. With leaving I left behind finacial security. I will need to learn to live within my means of my small SSI check and without the ability to drown my sorrows with the use of credit cards and money. I am afraid, yet hopeful. Material things may have made my life easier before, but now I want to live happy and free....even if it means not having the ability to have the latest purse or go on vacation.......I have the love of my girls, family and friends to fill the void. I have my self esteem back. I don't know what is on the horizon...but I know that I with the help of my loved ones will finally be able to know what it is to live a happy life.