simple joys of life

Last week seemed to be a very tough week for me. Emotional moments and the feeling that my life was surreal. I look forward to Sundays. They are a time that is set aside to spend with the girls.....usually just sharing a meal and talking. No big plans or events..just connectiong with the ones I love. Funny how just being in the same room with the ones you love, is more enjoyable than most anything. Marissa has a new puppy. His name is Puggles....a mixture of a pug and a beagle. He never tires of playing fetch and always wants to lick and kiss you. I played with him for hours and can honestly say, it was like being like a little kid again. The joy the puppy gave me watching him run across the yard to fetch a ball or toy....looking at me with those beautiful eyes and just feeling his warm body while he tried to lick me. A simple day, playing with a puppy was so nice to give me a reprieve from the worries of life .....from the worries of cancer. A day of normalcy.

Advanced Directive

I am at a loss today. My spirits have dipped to an all time low. I was turned away from chemo the other day because of high blood pressure and unexplained wieght loss. I had a CT scan on Palm Sunday and have been waiting for the results. My oncologist went on vacation so I have been anxiously waiting to hear......Today my lawyer called to talk about my divorce. She asked about my health and I told her that I was not being treated because I was too sick for chemo. She said then we need to do an advanced directive and a will so your wishes will be honored if something was to happen to you. I knew this was going to happen....just was hard to hear and discuss. Was I willing to have a Do NOT Recisitate order? I was.....only pain meds will be given if I am past the point of no return.....My daughter is in charge of making those decisions....I have told her...I do not want any extradordinary measures taken if it looks like I would have to live on a machine. I had to state to be buried or cremated......and divide up my property. This is easier said than done. Tears streamed down my face as I told her what my wishes were....I felt a pain of guilt that my daughter will have to face this challenge.....one I faced for my own mom. It carries a guilt when you are making life and death decisions.....I was scarred by it. I hope my daughter will not be. I write this so all know what my wishes are.....so she is not questioned when the time comes. I have never felt so alone as I did today talking to the lawyer. Old memories flood my mind.....fear grasps my heart. I am so overwhelmned with saddness....to actually face death now and see it staring me back in the mirror.

St Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick's day.....and I am actually looking forward to eating one of my favorite foods of corned beef. There has been some anxiety in my life lately. The high blood pressure, the ct scan and the unknown of treatment options has me a little on edge. This is actually a holy day...the last week of lent and most people celebrate by drinking green beer and going to bars. How I wish I could be that carefree and do that...but instead I will spend the day doing normal household things and stress that it will be a week before I hear back from the oncologist. I wonder even though I don't want to if treatment is over for me. I have so many regrets....one of the biggest regret is that I have unintentionally hurt people by speaking my mind and not thinking before I spoke. I have not found the love of my life and wonder if that is just a myth....I see my daughter with her boyfriend and I am filled with joy at the fact that she is so happy with him. He treats her like a treasure and is always trying to make her happy and feel loved. I am grateful for that. I know true love exist because I have witness it.....I just wonder why I was not lucky enough to have found it. I am flawed that I was not able to find "the one".
I want to do so much with time I have left....I hope I can check off the list of things before fate decides my time is over....I am searching....and a little lost.

faith and hope

Yesterday I was scheduled to have chemotheraphy. I have been losing wieght lately....and have not been dieting. I have gone down 2 pants sizes and 3 blouse sizes all within a month. Yesterday the nurse took my blood pressure and the oncologist came into the room and retook it. He said that paired with the unexplained wieght loss, high blood pressure and the fact tumors or lumps can be felt in my stomach area....it would be too dangerous for chemo. Chemo can bring on a heart attack if your blood pressure is too high. When you are scheduled to have chemo and they don't do it.....the oncology nurses give y0u a look...I call it the worry pity look. I left the hospital with a referral for a CT scan and a grocery bag full of new medicines. I am trying to have faith and hope that this is nothing.....but will be honest..there is a small bit of fear in me. I need to be strong......I need to be positive. Lets just pray on it.

God has kept me here for a reason

God Has Kept Me Here For A Reason Repeat after me: God has kept me here for a reason. I survived becauseHe has a plan for me. All my bad relationships, the addictions, theconsequences, the bad credit, the repossessions, the death of my lovedones, the back stabbing from my friends, the negative thoughts, or thelack of support; I made it because I am blessed! I release and let go of all past hurts,
misunderstandings and grudgesbecause I am abundantly blessed! I recognize them as the illusions theyare, and sent from the enemy to kill my spirit, steal my joy, anddestroy my faith; For God is all there is. All else is a lie! Now give yourself a hug, wipe your tears away and walk invictory!!!!!!!! I love you, but more appropriately God loves you BEST! Be blessed and know that you are at one with THE SPIRIT OF THE LIVINGGOD! And may the Lord keep watch over you and me. Genesis 31:49. Amen! Now since you are a true child of God, you know that with everyblessing, a blessing is required! So be a blessing to another, bypassing this on. IF YOU DO IT RIGHT NOW, GOD WILL BLESS IT RIGHT NOW!! Be Blessed

A friend sent this testement to me. I started thinking how fitting it was for me. Most times people forward jokes and some stuff promissing good luck if you forward it...but this email struck a cord in me...it was as if was written by me....the words that I have often thought. I often wonder why I was given cancer and have had a failed marriage. I have prayed and asked God for help when all has seemed hopeless....but to realize that God has kept me here for a reason has made me think differently of all the garbage that I have gone through.....and all the blessings that have been given me. I am so lucky to have my daughters who love me with all my imperfections. They not only love me but are kind and compassionate women who make me proud each day. They both work hard. They both study hard and have hearts of gold. They love each other with a selfless love as sisters. Many times sisters do not get along...but since they were born they have looked out for each other and loved each other. I sometimes see other families that have not known abuse or have had a normal two parent family and my girls have overcome all the negative and still see beauty and kindness in the world. So yes God has kept me here for a reason.....to realize that at times my life has been hard....but he has also blessed me with the gift of love. I have a reason even when I forget that I do.