struggling and bitter

It has been a few days since I have blogged, mostly because I am too tired and napping has been my companion. "Ask for help" the brochures and doctors say. It is hard. I depend on the girls a lot and they help with no expectations. When not napping the days are long. Alone in the house, thinking about things is a lonely process. The phone rings....a sibling is calling....I cheer up for a brief second....after the customary "how are you?' comes out the dialogue is about how tough her life is......."Can you spare some money?" I am on a pension that pays less than half that I used to make. Getting hard to make ends meet but doing my best. "I have a little I say......"Great I will be by in awhile" Picks up money and is gone is a flash........no can I help you with that.....do you need anything.......I feel used. This process happened 3 times this week. Last night I did not sleep. Pain is radiating from hair down to my toes. The pain meds do not work.....so I am tired and sick of being in the house. Phone rings...."hey can you do me a favor the voice asks?""What do you need I say?" my heart sinks.....not even a how are you today. " Can you cosign for a car for me?" I don't know how long I was silent and I say no. I don't have much but I do have my credit....not willing to risk it. I say sorry I need to go and I hang up cry.
I think of mom and how she cosigned a car for her and I had to make 7 car payments and then mom had to file bankrupcy that I paid for. There is no shame from her... I could use a bit of help with household stuff and maybe just a bit of conversation.....but I am thrust into the role that mom was before. The savior. Who will help me? I will just help myself.....feeling alone and bitter