My week,my struggles, my happiness meter

Last week was a rough week for me. A week of ups and downs. I have cancer but when cancer came into my life so did another disease enter in. It crept in at first, unnoticed then became very prominent. I have depression. I take anti-depressent medicines and I see a theraphist that can be very good at times and sometimes it leaves me feeling raw and drained. I have come to accept the cancer that is growing in my body. That doesn't mean that it does not anger me or that I have accepted it to the point where I have given up. It means that I simply know that I fight the beast within me. I know that I will cringe at lumps or unknown pain, CT scans and fatique, but I also know that my urge to fight the beast head on is strong. When I entered into the cancer journey I was and am determined to fight. Depression is another battle that I am fighting. I take the meds, try to stay away from foods that trigger it and I use coping skills. I write, try to paint and of course I see my theraphist. Having cancer and going through a divorce is not easy. My way of life has changed dramatically. I used to have no worries about money nor did I have the loss of self because I now depend on my daughters. I live in an apartment and not a house. That is an adjustment in itself. Having upstairs nieghbors making noise is something I have not had since my 20's. All of these changes I face daily and sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is not.

My roll as the mother has shifted. I was always very strong and independent when I was married. I overcompensated for the lack of having a husband that was not a father, and I spoiled my children to try to make up for the abuse they witnessed and endured.

My daughters are grown women now. They have lives and are adults. The natural progression of my daughters indivualizing was not felt because during their teen years I was ill and being abused so our relationship was very close. We were "the three". The three who supported each other and did everything together. We might have spent the week apart, but on Sundays we spent it together....doing things that just strenghtened our relationship. Now I depend on my daughters. I live with one....which has infringed on her social ability to have friends over as much as she did. The other daughter gives me finacial help each month. Like I said the roles have shifted. When I worked I paid thier rent and bought them things, took them on vacation and was their source for advice and their shoulder to cry on. Now I depend on them.....it is hard to swallow at times to rely on them.

I hear the phrase "your plate is too full now"....so I no longer am the one they come to seeking advise or solace. I do have a lot going on, but my plate will never be full when they are concerned. I would give my right arm to help them in any way I could. I want to hear about their fears, thier struggles and of course their joys. I hear them say "you seem so sad all the time. " I do have saddness....but it is not all the time. Sometimes the depression kicks in and I have pity parties. I don't laugh as easily anymore. I constantly think how I can become less reliant on my girls. I have lost some of my memory so I forget things and I make mistakes which seems to annoy my daughters. I have had to swallow my pride and ask for help or admit those mistakes so my self esteem has taken some hits. I have lost some friendships so I have made the mistake to use my daughters as sounding boards when I am frustrated. I do not want them to worry or solve my problems....I just sometimes need to get the stuff that is on the inside out. When I stuff my emotions or problems I have learned that self talk will put me in a dark place so I just say what is going on with me. Now I realized that telling what is going on, has made me look sad or weak. Therefore I am not the person they come to anymore. They have disconnected and have become more distant. When we are together now it is not as open or free. I watch what I say so I do not rock the boat. I put on the mask of everything is ok...but I do realize that there are cracks in that mask and sometimes the lack of joy comes through. My feelings seem to get hurt easily now. I want to do things for them and my help is rejected. I see another has come into our lives and their gifts are welcomed and bragged about yet I am not allowed to give them anything. I used to get lots of joy taking them out spoiling them. I know that I can not give them as much as before, but not being able to do anything or give anything I feel like I am a visitor in their life and not a part of their life. I know they are growing up and are adults, but I will say that I miss "the three". I miss the ability to do things for them and the closeness we once shared. I miss the old me that was full of laughter even during the hard times. I feel like the puppy who is always scolded and never praised. This last week was really tough....I made a mistake which caused a problem for one of my daughters. I tried to own my mistake and help to try to problem solve with her...but was quickly reminded that my help was not needed. That I was not being helpful but overbearing. It hurt to realize that the roles that I knew had shifted was truely different now. I am less important in thier lives and maybe a burden. The more I tried to offer help the more I was told to back off and the greater the void between us grew. I felt like an outsider looking in. I felt excluded. The self talk that I struggle to keep from overtaking me has surfaced.

My husband was served with the final divorce demand papers last week and he called me. The man who neglected and abused me heard pain in my voice. Instead of the name calling and belittling words....his voice was that of concern. He said that my demands were not unreasonable and was willing to not contest them. He said I have known you for almost 29 years and I can hear in your voice that something is wrong. He tried to offer help.....one thing he has never done. He offered monetary assistance, even though he has never done that nor have I asked him. He asked what was wrong because he heard in my voice some pain. When I just said that I was feeling a little low, he tried his best to cheer me up. He apologized for what he has done. He apologized for not helping me and offerred to give me some finacial assistance. It took me off guard....not sure if he was being genuine or was this an old thing of the never again ploy, I want to believe he was being sincere....but I am jaded. I was grateful that he showed concern during a time that I was feeling isolated.

The week ended and I went to bed on Sunday night still feeling like an outsider. I feel like I should begin to move away......to perhaps begin a life in a different location so I can leave my girls to live thier life without having to worry about caretaking me. I am not sure what I will do, but I know that I have to make changes because I can not live like this anymore. I need to feel included and not like a burden. I need to not be judged if my happiness level is at the level others think it should be at. I need to regain a part of me back. Perhaps I need to begin another journey into the unknown to rediscover myself.

3am

The irony that I recieved a 3am phone call is amazing last night. It was from an elderly friend who was in a state of panic. She has althiemers and my number had been programed into her phone and I was the only one who picked up. She was scared. Her husband was trying to kill her. Her husband has been dead for 15 years and she is 85 and losing her grasp on reality. I calmned her down telling her she was safe and I would send someone to help her. I had to reach out to a friend who I have not been in contact with recently. She lives across the street so I told her that this poor woman needed some help....she was really scared and she called me. My friend who I have had a strained relationship with, forgot that we had been having problems, was grateful for the call and went to help this poor woman. She found her wandering around in the cold with her cell phone and keys, hiding from the husband she thought was after her. My friend got her back to bed and called the womans' family and was told....just give her some tea and she will go back to sleep. This is not the first time this has happened. My friend stayed with her until the elderly woman went to sleep....then left. She called me to say all was ok and what the conversation had been with her family. It made me sad. All day I had felt I was a burden to my family and here was a woman who family was really treating her as a burden. Our situations are different but almost the same. I wonder if I lost it in the middle of the night who would come to assure me that I was ok. I am so scarred of the progression of my disease....more afraid of being a problem to my family.

I now know how my mom felt

I became my mothers caretaker when she became very ill. I was working, raising two daughters and married to a husband who was not really a husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for my mother. I forced her to eat when she did not want to. I ignored her request for sweet items because they were not good for her. I followed the directions on her medicinces to the letter, only giving her pain pills every 4 hours which was the doctors orders. On the days she had really bad pain, I told her to hang on because if I gave her more we would run out before we could get more and she would suffer later. I never thought her pain was so great that waiting that hour was hurting her emotionally and physically. I lost my pataince when she would mess up her finances and overdraft her checking account. She wanted to give all her money away to her grandchildren each time they asked to the point that she would bounce checks. I covered the overdrafts and scolded her...but she really did not have a clue what she was doing wrong.....she simply forgot she did not have the amount of money she once had. I lost patience when she agreed to buy things when she did not have the money....she was easily swayed because her mind was not clear due to the meds and illness. She would enter into contracts to help one of her children or grandchildren out, because she did have good credit...and some of her grandchildren took advantage of it. I had to bail her out and finally to get her out of the finacial mess I took away her check book and paid off debts, in doing so I took her self esteem. I was not patient when she would have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night.....I was busy and our roles had reversed. It was as if I had another child I was caring for and I treated her that way.

Had I only known what I know today. That I would become what my mom was to me to my daughters. They have to drive me in the middle of the night or day to the hospital, disrupting thier lives and work. They have had to bail me out of money problems. They have had to scold me because I have entered into contracts or lawsuits that I did not understand. My memory is failing so I forget I made promises or appointments and the exasperated looks on thier faces is one that I know I had with my mom. I no longer feel like an adult at times when my daughters are scolding me for saying the wrong thing or making a mistake. I don't know if I should laugh or cry because of this reversal of roles.......I wish I had the patience with my mom that I pray for that my daughters have with me. Nothing is more humilating than having your 20 something scold you in front of strangers or others. I swallow my pride and agree when they lecture me on not doing this or that anymore. I see the look when I take a pain med because I can't stand it any longer and they don't think it is time. They can't imagine that amount of pain meds that I am on no longer take away the pain....but only dull it. In thier eyes the amount is huge so I should not be feeling any pain. I know I should not have that cookie but the older I get the more I crave the taste of things.....my taste buds have changed. I use more garlic when I cook and don't realize that to them it is a lot but I can barely taste it.

I regret so much on how I treated my mom...she was dying and I did not understand. Now I am dying and my daughters do not understand.....the sharp tone in thier voices cuts right through me....I find myself alone in my room crying over the comment, email or phone call that was made to scold me. I feel like I am 10 years old and such a burden now. I wish I could have changed the way I treated to my mom.....I wish my daughters would look at the way I feel when they lose patience with me.

tears and regrets

The flood of tears have been non stop today. I can't seem to get it right with the ones I love. Nothing is worse than feeling like a burden. I am forgetting a lot of things......peoples names, times of events and just about everything. Is this what my future holds? Is this another side effect of the cancer or the drugs I am on?

I am not sure what is worse....feeling like a burden or being abused by Armando...both hurt....both leaves my self esteem in the gutter. I feel so low and wish for better days......wish I could get a break and just have things go well for once. Maybe some of us are not meant to live happy. Maybe getting cancer is my prize for not being a better person. I don't know....just know that I can't stop crying today. Tears and regrets is all I have, and that really sucks.

24 hours

24 hours.....1440 minutes....is all in a day. Today is Monday and I was glad that it was here. Sundays' are usually spent as a family day. A day to hang out with my daughters....never really having an agenda but just time together. Something has changed lately. Sundays do not have the feeling of closeness they used to have. It was all I looked forward to all week before. The cooking of a meal for my girls.....spending time listening to their week....feeling the love. Yesterday we went to Tea at our favorite tea shop...we had loose plans...In the back of my mind I thought we would go to tea and then just hang out.

We entered the tea shop....the owner recognized us and hugged us, saying it has been a while...it has been a long time since we have gone in. The owner seats us and ask how I am doing.....the standard ok is what I tell her. She says you have been on my mind lately. Funny how you came into the shop today. I ask why....she says on Monday...I will see the doctor to see if my cancer has come back. I have been cancer free for 18 years....I see the fear in her eyes. I try to assure her that it will be all good that this is just a false alarm. I think I am being convincing but I doubt myself as I say the words. I am afraid for her....I know how it is to get bad news. She says her husband is going to go with her and I am happy and a bit jealous that she has a husband to support her....I have leaned on my girls and I think it has taken its' toll on them. They do not have the freedom to live without fear and enjoy thier lives because I am the mom with the ancer shadow attached. They have to live each day with seeing me take hands full of pills......have to hear me moan in pain....and live with my depression.

24 hours a day I live in hell....I can not have a day without worries. 24 hours each breath, each thought is of pain and heartache. I want our Sundays back.

I want to laugh and forget that I am sick. I want 24 hours of no drama, no pain, and I want to have the freedom to forget about cancer. I miss my daughters and how it used to be. I dare not ask for more because I am afraid of rejection......life was easier before.

Seasons

Spring is officially here....soon it will bring on summer and then all the seasons begin again....an endless circle. There is a poem that talks about people being in your life for a reason and a season.....some play a purpose for a while then they move on....while others come and go from your life. Some just come into your life for several seasons, changing you, bringing you happiness and sometimes tears. Sometimes you don't value them as much as you should...taking for granted that they will always be there for you. When they move on, your face leaks tears everytime you think of them....sometimes tears of joy for the great times and sometimes tears of sadness for the bad times. I have many regrets in my life....I have hurt people and done things that I am ashamed of. I pray that they will forgive me one day.....I pray that God will forgive me. Living with regret is hard. I still have the shadow of death attached to me, and I wish I could have done a lot of things differently. I wish I would have embraced the people who loved me more and told them how much I love them, even when I do or did the wrong thing or say the wrong comment. I don't want to leave this earth with regrets....but I know I will. So for this season and always I will ask those who have been in my life or still in my life that I love you....and I thank you for putting up with the stubborn me, the foot in mouth me, the imperfect me. None of us walk the same path.....I hope that my path will last a little longer and I will find happiness....and that when I had it, it will return.

A dark world

I have been unable to shake the dark feeling I have been feeling lately. Saddness has been a companion for a long time but lately it seems to be overcoming me. The advanced directive, the planning of the will and funeral makes me feel like I am running out of time. But the truth is I do not know how much time I have left. The set back of not getting chemo and then getting a little bit, has had an impact on how I feel. I don't know why I am letting this overtake me. I could have lots of years left....the fact is I just don't know. Having cancer is like having a lottery tickey with a unknown prize....I could keep fighting this cancer and be around for a long time or not. The unknown factor is making me depressed and anxious. I try to be hopeful but sometimes I can't. I feel bad that I am not more positive but the pretending that I am has taken a toll on me. Everything seems dark to me....Going through the divorce and having the unpleasant interactions with my soon to be exhusband has added to the stress. My life has changed so much. I have my freedom from abuse but I am broke. The marriage of abuse gave me the ability to live more comfortable, not look at how much the price of bread or gas is......now I scramble to save quarters to wash my clothes. My daughter pays half my rent....and I feel guilty as hell that she does. She works so hard and pays for me to have a roof over my head. I am a grown woman with an education who can not work and I hate the fact that I have to rely on my children in order to live. My husband called yesterday....bragging on how he treated all his friends to dinner the other day and spent the day at a recreational facility renting toys. I can not afford to rent a video. He has not paid one cent of spousal support. The court has ordered him to make the house payments which he lives in....my mothers house. I pay for his health insurance since it was in my name and the court says I can not drop him until the divorce is over. The world is dark and it is so unfair. Cancer has taken so much from me...divorce is a good thing but is so hard. I know this seems like I am whining....but I am just so frustrated. I am scared and finding hope is hard. Someone sent me a bible passage that all I needed was to have faith the size of a mustard seed. I have faith....I have fear also.

A little bit of chemo......

Yesterday, I woke up early in the morning to prepare for a day at Kaiser. This was going to be the second attempt to give me chemo. My blood pressure has to be low enough so that I do not risk the possiability of a heart attack. I take my blood pressure medicine and a Valium so I do not get anxiety about my BP. I know I am going to be wieghed and have been eating everything so I don't have more wieght loss.....so I have indulged in m&m's and cookies with no regard to my waist line. I am so determined to have chemo because I do not want to be turned away.....the stress and feeling of hopelessness that I had the last time is something I fear. I am not afraid of death....I am afraid of dying. I have a DNR in place as did my mother....so only pain meds are to be given. You would think that it is an easy process, but I watched my mother die and the pain she endured as her organs shut down. No matter how much morphine they gave her....she endured a week of torture. So death is not scary....the process is.

When I get to the hospital, my bp is taken....it has gone down a bit....so the nurses check with my doctor to see if they are going to give me an infusion. My doctor decides a half dose....I am ok with that. At least we are still fighting the cancer. I am given the benedryl drip which usually brings on sleep....but I can't sleep. The fear that the doctor will change his mind is so present that I am wide awake. I notice the other patients.....all new faces....mostly senior citizens..I think to myself I am too young to be going through this. An old woman falls to the ground trying to get into the infusion chair.....too weak to stand on her own. The nurses scramble to get her up and not upset the other patients....I see worry and pity in the womans daughters eyes. She is finally seated and given blood and chemo. She is told she must come weekly for blood since her body is not making the blood it needs. My cancer is bad but compared to her I am better off.

My doctor has his nurse come get me, taking along the IV pole of chemo so he can check me out. On the way I am wieghed....I look at the number it has not changed...I have trying to eat more, so I would not lose...I have not lost a pound, I maintained. I know that by eating the junk food I should have gained some wieght but I stayed the same...a good sign I guess. The doctor is pleased that I did not lose....I didn't want to tell him I upped my calorie intake so I would not lose. Sometimes eating when I was not hungry. He talks about adding anther med to my already long list....the side effect is liver damage...I say I don't want anymore drugs. He says your BP is still too high and colestrerol is high...I ask what can be done do lower it naturally. He said to excercise more...eat more veggies and fruit, no red meat and no fried foods. I do that most of the time...accept this week where I just ate junk food. I pledge I will walk more...maybe even look into getting a bike to enjoy the nice area where I live.

Today I am having chemo sickness so I can not walk....but tomorrow I plan to....no more drugs added is my goal. I am happy with the little bit of chemo because I have decided that cancer has given me fear long enough....I plan to attack it and maybe scare it out of my body. LOOK OUT CANCER I am coming after you!