No holiday spirit for me

Christmas was not festive. I felt inadequate with my simple gifts. At one point one was rejected, the person embarassed that I gave it to her. Christmas eve and Christmas day I felt lost....not a part of what was going on. Fresh on my mind is the no treatment situation I am in.....wondering, okay obsessing that cancer is now free to grow. I could not enjoy the day even if I felt like I was wanted. Last week, on the day of my last chemo, my car was vandalised so badly it was undriveable. my attorney went to court on that day and got spousal support granted......the minute Armando found out he stopped going to work ending with them firing him. He yelled at me that I ruin lives....feels like everything I touch I destroy. I can't find the light anymore.....lost in self pity and illness...life is in the toilet.

Banana Baraium

I am having a CT/PET test today. The oncologist wants to see where all the cancer is. I picked up the barium at the pharmacy and it was artificcally flavored with banana. The worst flavor ever. The stuff is thick and the taste is awful. Two full bottles..one that I drank last night, and one today for a 330pm appointment. I gag as I drink the horriable stuff and wonder what the point is. If they are no longer treating, why take the test? Christmas is next week....I wish I was baking today instead of going to the HMO to take this test. I may neve eat a banana again........

The end of the chemo journey

This morning started out badly. My car was broken into and they destroyed my dashboard in search of nothing really. They took some tools that I use for my art. They took my sense of security since it happened just a few feet from my door. As I cried driving to chemo wondering if I could afford my deductable to repair my car I felt like what else could go wrong.....I guess I should not have thought that.

My Oncologist felt the large lumps in my stomach area and told me that Chemo was no longer an option for me. I had been on it too long and it was not working. Causing more damage than slowing the beast. I would no longer go to my seat in the infusion center seeing the nurses who have become friends. I was know alone. No treatment in my future. The message that was given to me 4 years ago on December 21st to just enjoy the rest of my life was once again being told to me. No options are available. Not sure how long I have but to try have a good quality of life. How does one have that when you know the beast is growing inside you? How do you stop your brain from wondering if you will miss milestones like grandchildren and weddings. I am afraid.....I am tired of bad news....I can not catch a break .......depression looms........death looms near by....just not sure how close it is. Like an island in the ocean....image seems closer than it actually is......

It has been raining for the last few days. The sky has been dark as has been my mood. I will have Chemo on Wednesday and will be billed for it. It can not wait, as I have new lumps and my fingernails are bumpy. I have tried not to let depression overwhelmn me but have failed. I feel alone in my fight and the bills are mounting. The tears keep coming and I can't seem to find anything good right now. I feel slighted by my friends and family...they just don't see what is going on with me...I feel abandoned.

Hospital put me in collections

I got the mail yesterday....a couple of Christmas cards and an envelope with a company I did not recognize....I opened it and found out I am in collections for the medical bills I can not pay. I worked hard all my life to have a good credit report.....and now I am in collections. It is not like I charged things and could not pay....just could not pay the HMO all the money I owe them. I will again get benefits next month, but that will not help me. You can't get blood from a turnip. Things just don't seem merry around here.

coping

Coping with christmas and cancer is not an easy combination. Christmas used to be a holiday that I looked forward to so much. The family togetherness, the food , just the feeling that all was right in the world. Now things are different. I am no longer hosting a huge party or doing the normal Christmas stuff. I have struggled to sleep lately...I count pills trying to figure out when they will be gone. I really wish I could smile again, find joy in the season, but depression and saddness fills my world.

I feel lumps in my stomach and wonder what is going on.....My birthday was the other day...as I blew out the candles on the cake, I just wished that this nightmare of a life would be over. I miss the people who used to be an everyday fixture in my life but have moved on. Their lives are still filled with joy.....who wants to be around a person who just can't cope anymore.

I long for days where I will not worry but am happy for all that is right. I don't know how to cope.

crying

Another day of tears. It is the beginning of the month and chemo is scheduled for the 12th. I again have no one to take me....I have decided to drive myself. I will try as best I can because there is no one to take me. I walk with a limp now. I have a cane and it does not help. My left leg is always in pain and swollen. No amount of drugs helps. As a birthday present my daughters took me to see my favorite play Phantom of the Opera. In the lobby they were selling sovveniers and programs. The first time I saw Phantom, I was given a jewelry music box that when opens has a mask come up and plays "angel of the night". This time they were selling a music box with a monkey that played masquerade. I saw it and wanted it so bad. In the old days I would not have thought twice and just bought it. I have not bought anything for myself in a long time. As I am watching the play, I remember my sister had given me a visa gift card. I sit and debate in my head....do I spend it on a music box or use it for medical expenses. All my pension goes to medical expenses. I just want a day of normalcy.....a day to forget that I am a cancer patient, a broke almost divorced depressed woman. I just want one day that I can feel like I did before. During intermission the girls and Marissa husband go off to get a drink. I sit there and say to myself treat yourself.....so I buy the music box, it was my birthday present money to use on something for me. I rationalize it. When I return, my family stares at me in disbelief. How could I spend money on something as useless as a music box?? I am scolded and feel like a child who was caught cheating. The lights lower and tears start to fall......I cry silently... When the play is over I can not return the box. They take me to a resturant for dinner and immediatly begin chiding me for the purchase. I feel awful...I know the money should have been used to help pay for this months meds. I just wanted something special for once. The next morning over breakfast they continue to scold me about the box. I can no longer hold the tears and they start rolling down my face. I am told to not take it personally.....geez.....why am I so sensitive?? I just say sorry....and again put on the mask that everything is ok. Inside the pain grows.....I feel so alone.

I use every penny of my social security checks to pay my own bills. I get no help from anyone..........no charities....no family members.... Everyone buys things for themself yet I am not allowed to. I hate being in the position I am in and I screw up sometimes. I would never wish anyone to go through what I am going through......yet I would like some understanding.....a bit of empathy.

I guess crying is all I have.....