Sunday

Today is Sunday and I have been sent the link to the photographers pictures of Marissa's wedding. The above one is my favorite. I took lots of pictures of the day.....more than a 160!
I am so proud of Marissa for all her accomplishments and the fact that she found her soulmate. Life is changing...hard to imagine my daughter as a wife. She lives in a beautiful house, has a great job and a puppy that is the most loveable thing you can imagine. It feels like her life is perfect.
When she was getting married she told me things were going to change. I understood that transitioning from daughter to wife is a huge change. I will miss our Sunday get togethers...the family dinners, we used to have.
I struggle to handle my cancer battle and the changes...It is not easy to keep a smile on my face when I have worries and still miss the old times... I have a lot to be thankful for...and I wish for the old to continue.

Lots of tears lately

It has been a little over 8 months since I left Armando and have moved in Jennifer my youngest daughter. Jennifer has always been a very quiet and undemanding child. She just goes with the flow. For years now she has had what I thought was a tick...she constantly cleared her throat. It became annoying at times. Jennifer has been on my insurance but as her birthday approaches she is about to age out. Her work does not offer medical insurance so before she was left with nothing she scheduled an appointment to make sure everything was ok before she had no coverage. There have been tons of fires here in California....the sun has struggled to shine through a constant haze that has the sky look like it is foggy. I picked Jen up yesterday for her appointment and she could not stop couphing. I thought she was catching a cold. Her doctor took her in and listened to her chest and quickly put her on a breathing machine. He gave her a shot of cortozone and she could finally relax and breathe...the clearing of her throat stopped as well as the coughing. The color returned to her face. Come to find out my insurance no longer covers her..but she was supposedly covered under Armando's insurance. We left the pharmacy and went to Walgreens to buy inhalers that she will have to use each day for the rest of her life. The clerk called Armando's insurance and presciption coverage had been dropped by Armando in his quest to cut us out of his life. I told the clerk we needed the meds and would pay for them.....for two inhalers $229.00 dollars. This is one fourth of my monthly Social Security check. But my daughter could breathe and their is no price on that.
The court has ordered me to not drop Armando from my car insurance, or my medical that has Armando on it and to pay all the bills that I have in my name. I struggle each month with those bills and then my copays and my medicines. My credit cards are quickly filling up. I have cry because I am broke finacially, and spirtually I am struggling to hang on. Armando lives in my mothers house which has all the comforts....washing machine..air conditioning and recieves his salary and has not had to choose medicines over groceries. I am scheduled for chemo on July 2nd if my blood pressure can take it....All I want to do is cry for I live with Jenny in an apartment that is so hot, struggle finacially and live with a lot less than I have ever had. I have lost wieght and my clothes are too big and yet I can not afford to buy new ones......the only thing that is free is the tears of frustration. I am fighting this cancer and trying to keep my head up through this divorce, but it seems like I can not catch a break. I am so mad and I really feel like I want peace in my soul...I wish I can find it.

the month of June

The month of June has many dates that are important to me. Three years ago on June 7,2005 my mother passed away. She had suffered for days in the ICU and then she finally went to her resting place. The last words she said to me was I love you. I was the last one with her and when she passed it was if a part of me died also. When Marissa planned her wedding, for some odd reason I did not connect June 7th with my mom's passing, In my muddled mind I thought it was June 10th, but that was the day of the funeral. So yesterday I went to the cementary to place flowers on her headstone and there staring me in the face was the date and all I could think of was my daughter was starting a new life as a wife on the day her grandmother lost her life. I saw my daughter yesterday and did not remind her or tell her of the mix up of dates. I thought that maybe her Grandmother would be happy for her to have found her soulmate and marry him more important than the date she left us. Marissa had her grandma's rosary when she got married...so that her grandmother would be with her on her special day.

June is also the anniversary of my marriage that soon will end. June 12th is when I married a stranger who to this day still torments me. Yesterday, as I was trying to honor the memory of my mother he showed up to inflict more pain on me. Someone told me yesterday, that I was not strong because I did not have him arrested yesterday, and I could not answer that. I had been conditioned to accept the abuse that fear overtook me, that had I had him arrested, he would later come after me harder. The person had never been in an abusive relationship...they don't know that even though I am out of that house, when he is near me or leaving nasty messages I still have fear in my heart that reduces me helpless. I have tried to take back my life but over 20 years of conditioning is hard to let go of. I have been changed forever, damaged goods...

I also started chemo for the first time in June....a week after my mother passed I started to fight the cancer that is still eating away at me. I have surpassed the original date but it is like a dark cloud hanging over my head, waiting to strike when I am not looking.

I have tried to be strong with all the turmoil in my life, but I feel like I keep getting knocked down. The escape of domestic abuse has not been easy, niether has the divorce. Fighting cancer is exhausting, and I sometimes feel emotionally broken.

The good thing is that my daughter is so happy with her marriage and I am happy for her. I want June's bad memories to become joyous for she is so happy that it makes me smile when I see her. I ask God to get me through it and stay in the positive light and not sink into the dark place where I have dwelled far too long.

Searching for the light...hoping to stay on the positive side.

Dream wedding

When I was given my experation date I grieved the fact that I would not see things.....I would not see my daughters graduate from college, I would not see my daughters marry, and I would not be free of an abusive relationship.

I have outlived the original expiration date and have see and done things that have been on my list. One of the most important things is to see my one of my daughters marry.

I never thought I would be here so I am tickled that I am part of a secret elopement.....sorry the secret is out now for in a few hours she will be wed.

She met her prince charming a year ago. They both share a love of life and when she told me was getting married, I asked her if she was sure. She told me she found her soulmate, the man she sees living the rest of her life with. I am overjoyed that my daughter found love and I am here to see it.

As a child she said she wanted a private wedding, and a big honeymoon. So she swore Jenny and I to secretcy and is getting married on a beach with only 4 people to witness it. They will fly to Paris and Amsterdam for thier honeymoon.

I am so excited for I never thought I would see this day and am so happy that she is getting what she wanted. I will have a son now......and puggles thier puppy will no longer be ilegitimate. LOL.

I thank God for giving me this day....

They will have a party later to annouce thier marriage and celebrate with friends and family.....but for now....my baby is getting married and I could not be happier.

Wish them luck and many babies....LOL