Halloween Week 2010 Sophia first costumes

October 29,2010

It has almost been a year since I have written. So much has happened that it is amazing that I have not posted everything that has gone on.

Sophia came into the world on January 1,2010. The granddaughter that I never thought I would see has captured my heart. Her first three months of her life, she was stricken with a terriable case of colic. Marissa and her sufferred through this and one day it was gone. Marissa asked me to watch Sophia while she returned to work. The baby calms down in my arms and we have formed a bond. Each morning I get up at 5am and drive to

Roseville to be there by 6am to care for Sophia. I stay until 4:30 pm and then hand back the bundle of joy to her mother. We spend the day reading books, playing, feeding and watching her grow each day. She smiles and it warms my heart. She has a lot of traits of her mother but is also her own little person with a funny personality. So curious about the world and fearless.

Puggles, the family dog is a bit jealous but is learning to live with the baby. He has become more alert and brave. He seems to know that it is his job to protect the baby and barks now at strangers and watches the doors for any possiable intruders. There have been times when he has barked at JP thinking it was a stranger and quickly tries to act like nothing happened after he has tried to attack.

Sophia is now on a schedule. Something that I was able to help Marissa with. Marissa is a wonderful mother. She loves and cares for the baby, and has made me proud of the mom she has become. She looks sad at times when she comes home from work, fearing she is missing out on the growth of her baby. John Paul and Marissa bought a larger home in a nicer area. The house is huge and has a lovely view. They have decorated it like a magazine picture and in Sophia's room Marissa and I painted a large Eiffle tower on the wall.

I take Sophia to Gymboree 4 days a week, and with other babies she is learning social skills and becoming stronger. I was the first one to see her crawl, but kept it a secret until her mother saw her. Sophia is such a joy. We play on the floor with puggles and her toys and she makes me laugh. The long days are taking their tow on me. I come exhausted after caring for her. I eat dinner and go right to sleep, only to wake up and start my caretaking again.

I am not feeling great again. I see my doctors only to be told that the cancer is back as well as some degenetrive bone disease. Pain is bad, but I cannot take any pain meds while taking care of the baby so I suffer through the days only to feel relief when I get home.

On June 15 2010 I had just returned from taking Sophia to Gymboree. I see a number on my caller ID that looks like a Kaiser number. The prefix for all Kaiser numbers are the same. I let it go to voicemail because my hands are full with the baby. After settling the baby in the playpen I listen to the voicemail. It is a Kaiser Social worker asking me to call her back ASAP. As I dial, a feeling of dread comes over me. The previous weekend, the bank forclosed on the house. I could not take much from the house because I had no where to put it. There are strangers at the house going through my things and leaving with them. Becky and her kids are taking things as if it was a free for all. I stand outside crying while Armando screams at me that this is all my fault.

I am emotionally broken as I call the social worker. She asks me if I am Armando's wife.......I say yes but we are seperated. She asks me to come to the ER immediately because a decision concerning Armando has to be made. I ask her if he is ok.......she says just come to the hospital.

Marissa's number is the next call I make. I ask her to come and get Sophia because I have to go to the ER. She comes over and says she will go with me. I start to argue with her that it is not good for the baby to be at the ER, but she insists.

When we get to the ER, I tell them I am Armando's wife. The guard looks confused and I ask him to call the social worker. She comes out and ask for my ID to verify who I am. She says there is another woman there claiming to be me. Security is sent to take this inpersonator out.

I still don't know what is going on, but fear and anger is filling my heart. We are ushered into a room and Armando is intubated and is not concious. His body is bloated again. A doctor apologizes that he has some news for me and shows me a ct scan of his brain. There is a dark shadow over the right side and moving to the left. He says the shawdow is blood that has leaked into his brain and is putting pressure on it. There is no brain activity. The cirrosis of the liver and cancer has caused this. The doctor says that he will never recover. That basically the machines are breathing for him and keeping his heart going. He says I have a decision to make, let him live as a vegatable or let him go in peace. Marissa is standing next to me......we just beging to cry. I ask how long he has if tubes are removed. The doctors says an hour or two.

I say he has another daughter and she needs to say goodbye before tubes are removed. Armando and I had many conversations that niether one of us wanted ever to live on machines.

I know I am making the right decision, but my heart is breaking. The abuser, the man that has taken so much from me is dying in front of my eyes. I dial Jennifer's work, and her boss answers the phone, I simply blurt that we are at the hospital and Jennifer needed to come quickly. I tell her that Jennifer's dad is dying and she needs to be here. Her boss says she will drive her.

I then call his brother, Miguel. He asks that I not remove him from life support, but I feel I need to honor the promise I made to Armando. I was married to him for 29 years and I knew what he wanted, and Armando did not want to be hooked up to tubes.

A nurse asks for his Kaiser card, and I ask if his wallet is with him. The social worker says the woman that was with him earlier took his clothes and wallet. She says she will go retrieve them. I follow behind her to see who is this person. There is a small crowd of Armando's friends and a woman who had removed things from the house the week before in the waiting room. I ask the woman for his things. She hands me a bag with a wet pair of pants. I ask her for his wallet and she digs it out of her purse. My heart is racing and ask her where he was when he collasped. She says she was with his girlfriend and they found him in the morning and he was not responsivie. A huge fat man in his 20's says he was the one who found him and he just thought he had passed out because Armando had been drinking heavily the night before. They all want to see him. I am incensed with these people and say no. Only his family will be with him. The day before, Armando and I had talked and he had gotten a 2000 dollar check for keys for the foreclousure. He had asked me to come sign it. I tell him I could not go but that since he needed to find a place to live to cash it and rent something. I am so angry finding out he had a girlfriend that I can not think. The fat man starts to tell me that people recover from comas all the time. My anger boils over and words explode from me saying don't you know he is dying.....shut up.

When I return to the room I look in his wallet and it is empty. I have to pay the fee for the ER, and I put it on a credit card. Jennifer and Miguel arrive. Everyone is crying and telling him goodbye. Miguel asks if others can come in, I say no. My children and I deserve to spend the last moments with him without the caous of strangers.

A pastor comes in and prays for him, tries to console us and we wait. Marissa says goodbye to her father and has to leave because of the baby. Armando's sisters arrives. Within minutes, he is gasping for air, Jennifer runs to get a nurse and in a flash he is gone. Loud crying from everyone is heard. Jennifer is inconsolable. Suddenly the room is overrun with people. His cousins, aunts, and others are in the room. Miguel has let them in. They are touching him, removing the sheet that was covering him. This upsets Jennifer and she yells to stop touching her dad. She yells at them to get out. Security is called and the intruders are removed. Armando's sister says in Spanish that she wants to tell me off. I say go ahead....she has no idea what her brother put me through. The stealing of the retirement accounts, the abuse and foreclousure of the house. She then asks me to send his body to Mexico. I say I will need help because I have no money. I tell them that his wallet was emptied by his so called girlfriend. His ATM card is missing. They assure me that they will help me.

The next day I am told that no they will not help me with his funeral costs. Marissa steps up and pays for his funeral and for him to be sent to be buried in Mexico.

His family refuses to give me anything of his. Not even clothes to bury him in. I still honor his wishes and send him to rest in Mexico. I am told that I will be killed if I show up at his funeral in Mexico.

I ask his brother for a few of his things for Jennifer and Marissa. He says he has given everything away to his girlfriend and his cousins. In the meantime I call the bank and find out that all his accounts have been emptied.

I am alone and grief is taking over me. Jennifer and I stay at Marissa's house and we make all the arrangements. The only bright spot is Sophia who makes me smile.

Pain has become worse, and I go back to the doctor. I am told that there is more cancer, but am too weak for chemo.

I try to take care of Sophia, but it is becoming harder and harder. I finally tell Marissa that I can no longer do it.

It has been 5 months of me caring for her and now my cancer has stopped me from doing something that gave me joy.

Marissa stops working and I start chemo for tumors in my lungs.

It is now the end of October and is Halloween. Jennifer makes an alter for her father for Dia de los Muertos.

Sophia has two Halloween costumes, one is a pumpkin and the other is a lion. She loves dressing up and I get to go to two Gymboree events with her in her costumes.

She giggles and laughs each times she sees me and my heart warms with more love I ever thought I would have for a baby.

Tonight I step in for Marissa who is ill and I take her with her dad to her first party. She is so excited to be playing with all the Halloween balls and stuff. It is joyful and is the only thing I have going on that is positive in my life. Each Thursday I have been going to chemo, Marissa drops me off and I spend 5 hours alone getting treatment. She can't come in because of the toxic chemicals and the loneliness is hard.

But tonight, seeing Sophia get excited to have me with her at her party makes things better.

Life goes on, even when things are so dark.