Just feeling really low today

I can't seem to shake this feeling of utter blue. Things just keep piling up and the lower I feel. The news about the cancer returning and the large mass growing inside me has me feeling hopeless and in total despair. Yesterday the chaise lounge arrived...what a joke. It is 6ft long and so low to the ground that it looks like Barbie furniture next to my other furniture. My coffee and end tables are taller. I called Penneys.com to return it....I now have to take it apart and put the destroyed box together so it can be shipped back. My brother in Puerto Rico is having some serious issues and I feel helpless to help him. I snapped at my daughters and now they think I am mad at them....all I really want to do is cry. Scream at God that I surrender..no more, just give me a break. The only thing that works are the tears that I am shedding. Life really sucks right now......I wish it didn't.

My View

Today Rosie annouced that she would no longer be on the View. I started watching the View again when she went on it. It was nice to hear opposing political views...some of which I agreed and some of which I thought were well plain crap. Sorry to see her going..but I guess nothing in life is forever. Yesterday I saw Patrick, my theraphist. I refer to my sessions with him as a place to flush the mental garbage that spins in my head. He always books me for an hour but we last two hours. It never fails....we laugh, we cry, we debate whatever is going on with me. I started seeing him when I was first diagnosed. I thought it was a sign of weakness to talk to a theraphist....but I see it differently now. It takes courage to let your walls down and let someone see the raw feelings you are having. Most people keep those emotions inside. I have the priveledge of unloading my junk and am given a different view of it. It is an outlet just like writing this blog. My heart is aching yet I am trying to find calmness in the storm. I reverted to an old bad habit of shopping to release tension. I bought a new chaise lounge for the livingroom. It is being delivered today. I told Armando last night he had to move the old one out to make room for the new one and he said when did you buy that.......I said simply don't deny me a small pleasure....he then just moved the old one out without comment.

My niece sent me an email in Spanish about how the hardest words to say were those of forgive me and I am sorry. It got me thinking that it true. It is easy to be angry at someone or a higher power, but hard to say forgive me for not trusting or for something I have said.

I have said things that I have regretted and have had a hard time saying an honest heartfelt "I'm sorry" So for those that I have not called or for those that I may have hurt.....I am truly sorry. I was only looking at my view and not paying attention to yours,

just go with the flow of the river

Life is like river, always flowing and changing. If you swim againest the current you struggle. If you swim with the current, you get carried along with less effort and y0u pass through many events. Struggling is too much work, worrying is too much work and it leaves you tired and feeling powerless.

I corresponded with the Oncologist again yesterday. I had lots of questions, like is the mass in my pelvis dangerous? How will he monitor its' growth? How long will he wait until he decides to treat? I was surprised at how quickly he returned my email. The mass is in the pelvic area surrounded by lots of viens, and is pushing againest my bladder. He will do another CT scan in 3 months unless symptons of pain or pressure againest my bladder becomes unbearable. I am stage IV cancer so any mass in my body is dangerous.....but treatable, not curable. Waiting is hard......but again everything is hard when you worry.

The months of ahead will be tough. I will try to swim with the current and just let things flow........looking for distractions to take my mind of f my troubles. I wish there was a make a wish foundation for adults....I have lots of wishes I would love to do...I want to see Europe before I die, I want to see my family in Puerto Rico again soon....I would love to visit friends in Detroit and New York....I want my bills to go away. I want peace in my soul. so many wishes......I will just dream and pray.

Sleepless.....

It is closed to midnight and I am unable to sleep. My mind has been going over the latest health crisis over and over. There doesn't seem to be a shut off switch in my brain to quiet the thoughts. My HMO has an email system where you can email your doctor. I emailed my oncologist on Friday to state my case for the biospy. I noted to him that I have had two surgeries since I was diagnosed with cancer and had no complications. I also noted that the tumor did respond to Chop Chemo which is the very harsh chemo before therefore it is only plausable that this cyst in my pelvis is a cancer that responds only to harsh chemo but to the maintence one, so I am willing to take the risk to find out exactly what it is so it can be treated. I did not expect a response until tomorrow, but after having dinner with my family I noticed I had an email from my doctor. He agreed with my presuptions that the cyst did shrink before but stated that he was not comfortable with the risks on doing a biopsy. He wants to wait a few weeks and see what the cyst does. My logical mind screams NO....take care of this now. I do not want to wait. Patience is something that I have never mastered. This cancer has so many branches spread over my body and this cyst seems to be a large branch to just watch and wait. Each day, I watch the news and another person of some fame has died of cancer. This morning a California Congresswoman died. Lately there has been so many people annoucing that they have cancer and each time it is said a part of me quivers. I find myself crying a lot. In private, away from the girls, so not to spoil the upcoming graduation of my daughter from law school. I also do not want to give them the impression that I am afraid. I keep asking "Why Me?" Why can't I just get a break? There is no anwser......hope that things will be better again is all I have but that seems like it is further out of reach right now. I use this blog as a way to purge my feelings.....a way to flush away some of the emotional pain. This is the time one yearns for thier mother to soothe away the pain....and yet I know that is something that I do not have. Perhaps some of the emotion is driven by the fact that my mom would have been 89 on May 10th had she lived. So close to mother's day. The anniversary of her death is in June.

Notes from friends who know what is going on with me has been a blessing. My own cheerleading squad of people telling me to keep my head up. I just wish I could sleep and not think about this......I wish I could run away.....

Chemo and CT results

Yesterday I had maintence chemo and saw my oncologist for the results of the CT scan. I woke up early, my daughter had come home the night before as she is my chemo driver and buddy. I was happy to have her in the house and left for my appts. hopeful and in a good mood. The doctor's nurse called me for the consultation with the doctor before the treatment. I always go in alone at first so if there is bad news I can process it alone before I have to face my daughter. Dr. Wang came in and as usual handed me a sheet of paper with the CT results....he said tell me about your symtoms. I told him about the extreme fatigue of late...feeling so tired yet not able to sleep because of pain. I told him of the itchy feet and hands, and the painful lumps in my stomach area. I glanced at the ct report and it glared at me ...pelvic tumor has significantly increased in size.

It is now larger than 7.5 cm almost 3 inches in lenght.

I ask about the report and he says he is concerned about the tumor, but because of my size (ie I am fat) I am at high risk for a biopsy. It could cause bleeding and infection. Basically you are too fat to explore why this tumor does not respond to the maintence chemo and tumor are growing again in other places. He is not sure if he wants me to start the harsh chemo again because it destroys stem cells and then my body will not respond to treatment anymore. We are at a medical standoff.....to treat or not to treat. He is going to conference with other doctors meanwhile I am to have some tests run.

Fear and hopelessness have become my companions again. This battle is like a circle or wheel....one moment you are at the top then you are dropped to the bottom with notice......I want off this ride.

Why did the chicken cross the road

I went to check on the mail this afternoon and was statled by what I saw. My yard is blooming with spring flowers which I knew about and I stopped to stare at the lovely flowers....then out of the corner of my eye I spotted it. It walked slowly, with caution towards me. I stood still not sure what to do.....It would be silly to run. I was not afraid, just surprised and startled at this visitor to my yard. A Chicken has made my front yard her home. She walked slowly towards me pecking at the ground. I sometimes hear rooster crowing in the morning so I know one of my nieghbors has chickens....so this chicken must be on the run. No bulletins have been placed for a runaway chicken, but my yard must have seemed like a sanctuary for the runaway fowl.

I told Armando that we had a visitor and he said he noticed the chicken last week. He thought it would just leave. I have fed strayed cats...but no idea on what to feed an AWOL chicken. It would be nice for it to stay and lay eggs.....but maybe that would be too much to ask for. I will worry that the cats who sometimes visit my yard will spot this new visitor and try to make it a meal. I hope it is a smart chicken if there is such a thing, but for now I will watch it as it pecks the ground and hopefully builds a nest.

Unsure

A week from tomorrow I will maintence chemo. This Saturday I will have a CT scan to see if the cancer is growing again....I am unsure on how I am feeling about this. On one hand I have gone through bad news before and know what the treatment options are, and the other hand I know what it is to be in remission.

Therefore since I have experienced both sides I mentally should be prepared, but I am not. The scenarios play over and over again in my head. Fear creeps in and I find myself feeling unsure and nervous. I want to hear good news but am afraid to wish for that......lately every day on the news all you hear about are cancer stories. I am tired of that. It robs me of hope.

The countdown begins......wonder what the outcome will be.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone, I hope everyone's day is filled with happiness and lots of chocolate bunnies!
Easter is so different now. The world is a different place and we are not the same as we once were. Do you remember 45 records and learning to dance to American Bandstand. Playing dodgeball at recess where now it is not a game that is allowed because it is now considered too violent. Back then if you had a red mark on your leg from a ball meant you needed to run faster or jump higher.....now if you come home with a red mark from school, mommy is filing child abuse charges againest the school. We didn't worry about traffic jams, just that the jam didn't make your sandwich soggy at lunch. I graduated in the 70's and wearing hot pants without being sent home from school without showing too much leg was a challenge.

Easter is time for renewal. The renewal of our faith, and the renewal of life. I hope all your blessings are renewed.....and may you have a wonderful day.

Friends

A friend sent this story to me. It is called crackpot friends. I read it and thought that I am lucky to have crackpot friends......ones like me who have flaws but instill beauty and loyalty in life. Here is a copy of the story.....and thank you for being a crackpot friend

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, at the end of the long walkfromthe stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing homeonlyone and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud ofitsaccomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke tothewoman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on yourside of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years Ihavebeen able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Almost Easter

It is almost Easter and I took this picture of a tree in someone's yard where they had hung plastic Easter eggs from their tree in the yard. It brought back memories of long ago when I would shop for matching Easter dresses for the girls with gloves and hats. The putting together of the baskets and the egg dying where more dye would end up on Jen then on the eggs. The girls are too old for baskets and egg dying now. A pity....

Do you watch American Idol? I don't but have caught the highlights of Sunjaiya....a pity that someone is being voted through because he has good hair and a dimple.....nevermind that he can not sing. I think the show is past its' prime and should go away....like the gong show. I want to gong Saunjaiya....