Merry go Round of life

Today I had chemo and a visit with my oncologist. I was lucky that a vien was found quickly and the toxic drugs begin to be pumped into me. My daugher sits by side, giving me her lovely smile trying to make me laugh. It is her birthday day so I want today to be a happy day even though we are at chemo. I chatter and look around the room. Someone is missing. The hispanic woman who has chemo on the same days as me is not here. The onclologist nurse comes out and ask if I have seen Claudia yet today. I tell her no....the nurse has tears in her eyes. I ask her in spanish what was wrong........she tells me that Claudia was given bad news today. Her cancer is worse, but that isn't really the awful problem. Her insurance is exhausted and she is an illegal immigrant who doesn't qualify for state assistance. Her husband is legal, but that will not help her. She is sent home without treatment or the aide of hospice so she can die with dignity. I look over and Marissa is in tears, we hold hands and both say silent prayers.
The merry go round seems to be going slower now.....I am so much aware of how I am blessed that I have double insurance and I have someone to hold my hand during the tough times.
Minutes later the nurse helps me to a room and my doctor starts to feel my back and stomach.
I have felt the lumps.....I know that the chemo has not been working. He says what would I like to do? A funny question.....I almost laugh and say I could use a brownie right now. A little chocolate always eases the pain. He offers up a more aggressive chemo treatment with side effects of nausea, burning feet and hands, loss of appetite (like that will happen) and hair loss.
I ask him if he has helped a lot of people lose their hair. He says yes, and hands me a booklet on wigs, hats and scarves. I tell him that I am not ready to give up the fight yet and will do the new treatment and embrace the baldness. I just really hope I don't have a lumpy head.
I tell my daughter the news.....I make a joke and tell her I love her and her sister.
We leave the hospital and head for the bakery to pick up her birthday cake. I order us brownies and savor the richness of the chocolate. At 7 we are meeting her sister and her friends at Zelda's pizza for her birthday dinner. The party is a success and everyone is having a good time......I don't drink but order one. I will not let the news of the day ruin my daughter's birthday. I see the girls who grew up with my girls now married and one is having a baby. It is wonderful to know someone who you knew as a child is now expecting a child. I wonder if I will see my girls have babies......I will spoil them if I do.
The wierdness of the day was we recieved and heard such sad news.......yet hours later we are laughing and having pizza and cake. I remember my friends in my lupus group and how they send me prayers......saying "Lord let the blood of Jesus cover you and heal you." "Nothing but the blood of Jesus." Life is truly a merry go round......one minute you are up and the you come down again......but the ride does end. I hope my ride will end with peace and laughter and I would be lying if I didn't say...a few brownies would help.