Things change

Things change sometimes without you really noticing....and when they are gone you mourn the loss of what was once there. I used to look forward to Sundays, it was a day that I would cook for the girls and we would do something to spend time together. I recieved a lot joy, making a special meal and hearing them gossip and laugh. Slowly Sundays were moved to a dinner or lunch during the week, now the get togethers do not happen at all. I can not complain or say anything for the fear of what will be said and further distance will be brought on. Depression has not changed. It still is my constant companion as is the cancer I live with. It grows slowly unchecked because chemo is no longer an option. Things that were constants in my life are like grasping onto sand...they just slip through my fingers leaving a faint memory of once was. Times are harder now....I was granted spousal support and Armando left his job....my car was broken into and I spent my savings on car rentals and deductables....I no longer feel secure, just feel like I am hanging by a thread. No one notices that I don't sleep.....that I cry silently in my room. I would have never imagined my life as it is now. If you would have said that my relationships would be different with my family a few years ago, I would have laughed in your face.......now life seems to be mocking me....tempting me with the memories of what once was.

life just keeps changing....not getting better just changing.

The ER

The other night, I felt some pressure on my chest. A sense of blackness started to come over me. It was almost midnight and I had been laying in bed trying to sleep when this all started. My heart started pounding and I felt lightheaded. I slowly made my way to the bathroom and it felt like I was going to fall over. I took my blood pressure with my little machine. It showed my BP was 186 over 126. I waited 10 minutes and took it again. It was the same. I did not want to call 911 but thought I should call someone. I called the advise nurse and she said get to the hospital as soon as possiable, call 911. I dailed the number and woke Jennifer. I let them know of my BP and pressure. I had a headache. Within minutes two fire trucks and an ambulance arrived at my door. Jennifer let them in and I was hooked up to monitors. My BP was still high, and nitro was sprayed twice under my tongue and I was given baby asprins to chew on. I was told to lay on a gurney and with Jennifer in the front of the ambulance off to the ER at my HMO we went. They took an EKG, sprayed more nitro under my tongue and they tried to put in an IV. The paramedic could not find a vien. I was deheydrated. From his attempts, blood gushed out from the fruitless attempts. We arrived at the ER and as blood leaked from my arm they put me in a room where nurses using a baby needle found a vien and an IV was started. They did another EKG and sent me for chest xrays and took lots of blood.

From where the paramedic poked me, the blood kept bleeding through the bandage.

They gave me some meds through the IV. Finally after some tests were done, a doctor came in.

He said he was unsure why my BP was so high but thought it was because I was having some bowel problems.....part of the process he said. I have a DNR so no procedures can be done. Only pain meds can be given. After a night of them observing me, I was asked if I wanted to go home.

Jennifer and I had no car so I had to call my friend Manuel to ask a favor if he would bring us home. Jennifer had called family members to tell them where I was.....no one offered to come.

We were alone. I am alone in this battle. All I can think of is the phrase this is all part of the process.....maybe being alone is part of that process too.

Three Kings Day

Today is January 5th, the official end of the Christmas season in the hispanic culture.....The celebration of a new year with the ending of Christmas. It is believed that today following a shining star led the three kings to the manger of the king Jesus Christ was born. They each brought him gifts to honor his birth. When I was a child, we would place our shoes under our beds and on this morning we would find small gifts,

This weekend a aunt of my father called me. I have not spoken to her in over a year. When I left Armando I did not take any numbers with me so my aunts and cousins from my father's side of the family had no idea what has gone on.....but the other day, a chance email from a cousin, led to a phone call and I told her of the abuse, the hiding, the divorce and the cancer. Word quickly spread to my aunts and more calls were made to me. They reminded me that they loved me and told me I was beautiful.....a nice gift they didn't realize they were giving to me.

This holiday season has not been easy. I have felt little Christmas spirit this year.....The celebrations were strained. I worried over finances and the fact I am no longer getting treatment. Little things like my car being broken into set me over the edge. Nothing has been easy. Just when I thought I was okay, life has changed. I want to be that child looking under my bed for gifts to celebrate three kings day.....but as I search the only thing I find is my overnight bag and some dust.....Perhaps that is what my life is....dust to be blown away and forgotten.......who knows....just sure wish there was something positive to hang onto.