Valentines' Day

Yesterday was Valentines Day. A day of love where millions were celebrating their partnerships. My day was different. I recieved more than 25 calls from Armando telling me what a horrable person I was.....that is a clean version of what was actually said. I have a restraining order, that prohibits him from doing this.....but I have learned that the police have more important things to enforce. There is a line from the movie Pretty Women...."if you are told you are crap so many times, after a while you believe it." I keep my phone off a lot so that I don't have to engage him....but the messages are like the hits I endured before only they don't hit my body....just hurt me emotionally.

The girls sent me flowers and candy....a reminder that with all the stuff going on, I still have love in my life. I cling to those gestures and those of the messages from friends saying just thinking about you. I hope one day my life will be returned to some normalcy soon. I don't care about the material things.....I would just like to have a life of peace and love. A day without pain would be wonderful. One day is what I am clinging to.......I hope my grip does not slip.

Faith

Wednesday was the beginning of the lent season. 40 days to renew your faith. I sat in the church intently listening to the Priest on what lent was and also listened to the bible readings. I felt a saddness that I had not been good to my faith. I prayed, but I have not God truely enter my life. The story of the man trapped on top of the house and row boats etc passing by to save him, and each time he refused saying I am waiting for God to save me. He finally drowned and as he stood before God he asked him why he did not save him. God spoke and said I sent you a row boat, helicopter etc but each time you turned them away. I wonder how many times I have not listened and accepted the help of God. How many times I looked away from the help that God has extended to me but I was too blind with my misery to see that help was being extended. I recieved ashes and went to have some dinner. When I approached to pay, my wallet was gone. I searched my purse and car and found no wallet. I felt dejected again. I had to call all the companies and cancel debit cards and credit cards..each time I spoke to the companies I asked has the card been used? The answer each time was no.

I sat still for a moment and said God what do I do now? Somehow a thought was to go back to my car and look again. In plain sight, was my wallet. It was too late all my cards had been cancelled and it would be two weeks to recieve new ones. I was grateful that I did not have to replace my license. God was speaking to me again.....do not be so quick to lose your faith. Instead of letting myself calm down and accept...I was too quick to lose the feeling of peace I had gotten in church only hours before. I am not perfect, I want to accept my challenges as gifts and stop allowing myself to lay in pity.

still dehydrated

I went into a followup appointment today....My doctor pinched my skin and it slowly lay back down, taking its' time...sort of a lazy slide. He said my skin should pop back into place...I was still dehyraded. Again I was hooked up to an IV and this time put in a isolation room so if this was a virus I would not give it to other cancer patients. I felt lonely and like some abandonned dog.... I made the choice not to call anyone. I did not want my daughter to miss work again. From the isolation room you can see the other patients getting treatment. Their loved ones hovering over them....comforting them. I sat there, alone with my thoughts to keep me company. I wondered how much more drama and heartache I was going to have to go through....how much more I could take?
Yesterday I while the others were watching the superbowl...I played with my daughters new puppy. How wonderful puppies are to love anyone even with faults...they just love. I would love to have someone in my life who just loved me for me......flaws and all.