Stay Positive

"Stay Positive and good things will happen" I want to tell you how many times I have been told that and "do not worry" but I have lost count of the number of times I have been given that advise. I try to focus energy on the good thoughts but at the back of my mind it is always there. The nagging voice of fear. Today is a chemo day and I will see the oncologist about the new painful lumps and fatique that I am feeling. I put on a brave face for the world, but inside I am just afraid. I have seen that Cancer has changed me. I no longer crave material things, but wish for time with family and friends. I know it is hard for them to be around me for I don't always have energy and am in pain. I say what is on my mind and it is not always pretty. I pray to the angels and God to take the worry and fear away and sometimes I am at peace. Then the pain returns and I struggle inside with the "positive thoughts." In the paper there has been a series on a young boy and his mother struggle with cancer. I read and identify with the boy and the sense of futileness of treatment. I identify with the mom with the mounting bills and the lack of Social Security to kick in. They have been granted wishes by "make a wish" and Chris Webber the basketball star. There is no "make a wish" for adults. I would not wish for anything other time with family.....time to be happy with them.
Today is also my daughter's birthday. I wish her peace and happiness. I wish that she has her dreams fullfilled. She grounds me......tells me that I need to stay positive. I want to grant her that wish. If only the that nagging voice would quiet down and keep the fears in check.