Where is my sleep?

Sleepless night is my torture today. I have so much to do during the day and sleep alludes me, playing hide and seek with my restless mind. I take the sleep meds and sometimes they work and most nights they don't. It is like putting quarters in the slot machine hoping for the jackpot of sleep but only twirls with nothing ever coming up. I finally get out of bed, bothered that a purse I bought 4 months ago is tearing at the seams. I bought the purse to celebrate a clear CT scan. The oncology nurse called and said congradulations your CT scan is very good, there is no sign of the cancer in your lungs anymore. The purse has ripped at the bottom of the seams now and the latest CT scan shows the cancer is covering my lungs. Funny how the expensive purse is a metaphor for my cancer.....its falling apart as my body is. I hunt for the reciept for the purse to return it. I wonder if I could exchange my body for one that is free of disease. Yesterday I went out in 107 heat to buy frames and mats. My sister comes along with me and looking for frames is exhausting. I am sweating in the air conditioned store and feel like I am losing my breath. We buy the frames and go to Chevy's for lunch. Two Puerto Ricans in a Mexican resturant and struggle to find something to eat. Everything is like imitation Mexican Food. There is no Jalepeno jelly on any real Mexican plate. I come home and begin to frame prints. I am exhausted, sweating profusely and breathless by the last print. I sit down and can barely catch my breath. The fatigue that has overtaken me is overwhelmning. The fan is going and the air condition is on. My husband says it is cold in the house yet I am so hot. I lay on the couch and close my eyes. I don't sleep but just rest. I then begin to shiver and am pulling over a blanket on me. My body can't decide if it is hot or cold. I need to get up but feel too tired to get to the bathroom. It is only a twenty steps away and it feels like a mile. My husband goes and gets fast food for dinner....a kind gesture which is unexpected. After I eat a few bites the grease and my stomach decide they don't get along and I am wishing I would have just eaten cereal. I am meeting a friend that I have not seen in a year who I worked with today. I have a meeting at the gallery to see the space and show her my collection and then off to see my therapist. I hope to get to the mall somewhere in the day to exchange the dreaded purse. I need to buy groceries. The need to pace myself is so great. I am dreading tomorrow the new chemo day....Someone sent me a joke "you know you have cancer when a bad hair day is when you actually have hair left to style." The joke makes me want to cry.