the old photo

I was picking up around the house today and came across some old photos. It was a picture of me standing next to my horse when I was in high school. We lived on a ranch in Oregon. I looked at the photo and noticed all the changes....first off I was young and fit and had a smile on my face that looked like I had no cares and the world was a new adventure. When I was in high school so long ago, gas was .39 cents a gallon, Mcdonalds only sold hamburgers, fries, and shakes.......there were not happy meals, salads or chicken items. Dairy Queen was the place to eat at and hang out at. Doing the hustle was the lastest dance craze...as was dancing the moves from Saturday Night Fever. I recieved a scholarship to Oregon State University and was looking forward to new life in a larger city with more diverse friends. The town we lived in, I was the only hispanic in my high school. In the picture I would not have imagined my life as it is today. I was healthy, playing sports, riding my horse daily and had large dreams.....My biggest worry at that time was about having a boyfriend that my family approved of.

Fast forward many years, and my life is nothing of what it was. I can hardly walk without having to stop and catch my breath. There is not a day that I do not have pain in some place in my body. I do not eat beef......nor fast food. Gas is over 3.00 dollars a gallon.....and I have handicap plates on my car. Instead of worrying about boyfriends, I worry about cancer treatment options and who will take me to treatments. I cry over friendships lost and the feeling of being a burden to my family. I think about the music that will be played at my funeral. I want Goo Goo Dolls "Iris", Sarah Mclauglin "will you remember me" and Martina Mcbrides ' "In my daughters eyes". I hope that tears will be shed not for my passing but tears of laughter over the dumb things I have done or said.

In that old picture, I would never imagined that cancer would be a part of my life. I wish I could have done some things over....I wish I would have held my tongue when I was unhappy about something that was done or said. I wish I had said I love you more to my friends and family. I wish I would have been kinder to my friends and family. I wish I would have spent less money on purses and more on vacations with friends and family. I can not go back in time and change it....but from this moment on.....I promise I will be more loving, kinder and open. I will be more of who I wanted to be.

hide

You can only see the eyes on the women who wear birkas, the eyes can show happiness or saddness. I wonder what my eyes reflect. Do they tell of the feelings deep inside? Do they tell of the disease growing unchecked? Do they tell of the how certain actions left a scar so deep on my heart that I feel I can not rebound? I want to tell how I am feeling but know the one person I want to hear me will not fully understand the impact of the words or actions that were said.

I hide behind a face that doesn't show the emotion I am feeling. I stuff the pain inside.....no little pills take the pain away. I have become intolerant to them. The more I take....there is still no relief. My life has taken another path....one I never thought I would take. I mourn the past life, knowing full well it will never be the same. I wish I had a "Birka" to hide inside.........instead I will just smile and pretend that everything is alright and has not changed.

challenges

There is a saying that God will not give you more than you can handle. Sometimes I am not sure I believe in that. I think challenges are presented to each of us each day and in our way we choose to handle them or try to tuck them inside, trying hard not to think of them, hoping they will disappear. But as much as you try to put them aside they are still there, nagging at the back of your mind, constantly reminding you that you have to deal with them. I have had many challenges lately, some physical and some emotional. It is hard to deal with all the challenges each day...some days I just want to give up...beg for mercy. Mercy does not come....each day I wake up and the elephant is in the room. It refuses to go away and I don't know how to get rid of it or deal with it.

So.....I will just live with the elephant, hoping that it will decide to leave on its' own.

100th blog.....appt yesterday

This is my 100th blog.....I noticed that fact this morning. It has been another sleepless night and cancer is still in my life. I met with the urologist yesterday. I was the youngest person in the waiting room....I guess people under the age of 80 don't have urology appts. It was kind of funny because old men began to have small talk with me.....telling me their life's stories as I waited to be seen. It did not matter that I had put on my Ipod, they talked to me until I put it away. My name was called and I was ushered into a room and the nurse did an ultrasound. I asked when the results would be back....she said they are already done. The Doctor came in shortly after and was very kind to pull up the ultra sound and show me what the tumor looked like. It was tear dropped shapped and covers the entire top of my bladder.....another veiw showed it came down as if a triangle shaped poking into my bladder. He said that was why I felt the feeling of pressure and pain all the time. He then pulled up my CT scan and showed me my CT scan xray. He asked if I had smoked.....I said no.....he said with all the tumors in my lungs....it looked as if I smoked.....I told him my only addiction was chocolate....hence I was fat. He said there are far worse things then being fat. We made a date for him to put a camera inside me and see if the tumor has infiltrated the bladder. If not he will not be able to do anything. He said he would like to get a biopsy of the mass and would talk to my cancer doctor. I told him that I had been told that would not happen because of my fattness. He said he was hopeful that they could do it. Overall since I had no expectations of any coming out of this visit, I left with the only thing knowing what the tumor looked like. There really was no plan of action other than the camera thing......

I have had a sense of saddness all day and night. I realized that things are changing and I am not. Less time with the girls is being spent and I feel I really don't have a purpose in life. Most of us have jobs and can indentify with the careers we have chosen....my day is like ground hog day every day....same routine....same things done each day. I don't have anything really to look forward to.....the only place I go to on a consistant basis is Kaiser hospital. The phone rings less now......the emails are fewer as everyone goes on with their life....and I am still in the same place...I miss my old life.

Urologist appt

It is 230 in the morning and at 11am I have an appt with the urologist to see about the tumor on the bladder. I have no expectations......it seems when I hope that something will turn out a certain way and it doesn't happen and I come crashing down. So it is easier to not to have expectations......just see what he has to say and move forward. Live each moment and not try to see beyond for its easier to live in moment then to ponder the unknown. I have tried to sleep.....but again sleep has slipped away so I find myself trolling the internet....watching videos on UTube and reading other blogs.

I am addicted to Kathy Griffin and her show My life on the D list. The other night was hard to watch her usually funny show, her father pasted away. He was in his 90's and lived a full life. When death comes into any family no matter if it is expected or not.....the pain is so paletable...almost as if you can touch it. My best friend Manuel watched the show...it happen to fall on the bday of his mother who passed a few years back of breast cancer. When he talked about it you could still hear the pain in his voice after all these years. Does the pain ever ease for those left behind? Do we ever really get to say the things we wanted to say? We say we all try to live our lives to the fullest....but do we ever really do so? Are we bogged down in the everyday annoyances and obligations that we forget to acknowledge the people who have played a part in our stories......I wonder if my friends truely know that I love them.....I love them for all different reasons......some for their humor and the ability to carry on a conversation no matter how long we have not talked. Some for their imperfections....Some friends I love for the simple reason of having been my friend for so long and loving me back with all my imperfections. I know I tell my daughters that I love them all the time.....I hope they know that I love them more then they will ever imagine. I love them when they achieve their goals and love them when they falter.....You really know you love a person, when they have messed up and you can only ask if they are ok. Who cares that whatever they did happened.....the simple fact that they are ok is the only answer you struggle to hear. Living ones life is not easy. We all want more things, and we seem not to have enough time. I do not want as many toys or objects anymore....I want time. I want time with friends to laugh and gossip with. I want time with my family to bask in their love. I want time to correct the wrongs I have done to the ones I love. I want to go to places I have not been to....like Santorini Greece and see the white houses perched on the hill tops with their white paint and blue roofs overlooking the sea. I want to lose wieght but be able to eat chocolate and not gain a pound..... I just want time....So.....in a few hours I will see yet another doctor, one that is unknown to me...I hope I can report back good news.....but if not I will just enjoy the day. I will try to remember that I am me and not my cancer. I will remember that I have family and friends who love me.

Court

A few weeks ago Armamdo recieved a ticket as he was leaving work. They are expanding the freeway to make room for a new mall near the entrance to where he works. For weeks they have posted signs that the freeway was to be closed overnight, but Armando's work does not shut down. They are open 365 days a year 24 hours a day. His work makes an agreement with Cal Trans that employees and chemical trucks will be allowed to enter and leave the plant so that the plant will not be disrupted. Someone forgot to tell the police. As Armando is leaving his shift he is ticketed for being in a construction area and going around a detour. He tries to explain in his heavily accented english that he has permission to be in the area and is going home, but the officer has heard it all and gives him a ticket. Yesterday was Armando's court day. His fine is $871 dolllars. I tell Armando I will go with you to court, and help explain. The before the court date I remember that only the defendent is allowed to speak....I toss and turn knowing that Armando most likely will not be understood. I have had a lot of time on my hands.....I have read Marissa's law books out of curosity.

So in a moment of brillance I decide to write a motion to dismiss all charges for Armando. I write the two page motion citing case law and gather evidence of the agreement between Armando's company and Cal Trans. When we get to court I tell Armando to ask for an interperter and have them read the motion I carefully prepared. He does as I ask, and the motion is read. The assistant District attorney, then reads the motion and asks the court to dismiss all the charges. He asked Armando who wrote the motion......an attorney? Armando says no my wife. He says, good job. We walk out of court with no fines or citation.....Armando says, that was great...How did you know what to write. I told him I get bored and I read, and I didn't want to pay the fine. He had his day in court....and won.....I then told him, that was my anniversary gift to you.

He says...OMG I forgot our anniversary....I say no shit!

can you see through the clouds

Can you see through the clouds? Are you a glass half full or half empty person? I used to be a half full type of person, but now feel like the glass has a hole....never ending stress and misery seems to be what I live in. I feel lost. I feel sad most days for things I have lost. I lost the ability to earn money and work. Money is a problem now and it never was before. There is so much tension in the house because of money. As much as I try to budget, there is never enough....

Today is my wedding anniversary and my husband has forgotten. I did not expect anything for he has never been one to remember to give gifts but it still hurts that after 27 years it is not remembered or acknowledged. I feel like I give so much of myself to others yet no one gives to me....maybe I am just seeing this as one sided today...my mind is clouded with self pity and pain.

I just want today to be over.

crazy lazy day

I need to clean my closet, pay some bills, and do some basic clean up today....but instead I am watching TV, looking on my space, and basically doing nothing. I could not sleep last night, so this morning I wanted to sleep in, but Armando was working graveyard and decided when he got home that I should be awake. He kept asking me....you awake?? Of course I was when someone is touching you and asking that idiotic question. Now I just don't feel like doing anything...almost out of protest for being awaken when I wanted to sleep. Every channel is talking about Paris Hilton being ordered back to court as if this is such important news. The justice for celebrities is so different for those of color and no means. Had this been a Latino or Black person, they would not have had the luxury of serving 3 days and being sent home. How is our nation when the racial and poverty divide is so large. The haves and have-nots are so far apart.

2 years

Today is June 7th,2007.....two years ago today, my mother left this earth to be with those who went before her. I recieved the call early in the morning. I had stayed at the hospital non stop for a week and needed a few hours of sleep....as I slept my mother slipped away. She left behind the agony and pain she had suffered. She left behind so many who loved her. My mother was a friend to all and the biggest advocate of her children and grandchildren. In her eyes we were all perfect and heros. She never judged us, just accepted us for who we were. For the children who got into trouble she always stood behind them, never letting anyone say bad things about them. For the ones who did well she bragged about them. She bragged about all her family and kids. She would give the dollar in her wallet if asked, and make the best turkey stuffing. Her skin was soft and velvet like. She had beautiful eyes that were all knowing. I would confide in her...and tell her my worries and secrets. She always gave advice and then lit a candle to help in any troubling situation. My mother's english was heavily accented and I loved to hear her voice mails when she would call to tell me she had made rice. I still miss her.....I miss her touch and smile and goodness. I put flowers on her stone today, as well as on my brother. I hoped she still knows that I love her so much and hope that one day she will greet me when my time comes. If there was ever a great mom....it was her.

Worry

Worry has become a constant companion in my life. Each morning I wake up each morning and worry is waiting to great me, to be my companion for the day. Each day I hope worry will have moved on to someone else but it is stubborn and it stays with me... I worry about finances, my health, my life and my girls. Tonight my oldest daughter went to San Francisco to go on a date. It was with someone I did not know, so I worried the whole evening....and when she called late this night that she had a nice time......relief came over me, but worry was there to remind me that she still has to drive home. The oncologist called today with results of the ct scan. The results were the same.....the pelvic mass is still growing and the cancer still exist within. The plan is still the same, see the urologist and have chemo next month. Worry was listening in on the conversation grasping my heart as I listened wanting to hear good news.....only to hear what I already knew. I painted what I thought worry would look like....she had to be old and graveled.....I did not want to give worry a good face since it is not productive to me......One day I will rid myself of worry...but for now, I guess I will just move over and share my space.

Something new

I did something new yesterday....I cancelled 3 art shows that were scheduled for the month of June. I have never cancelled an opportunity to show my work...my passion. My passion is waning, I no longer hunger for the feel of paint gliding over canvas or searching for the perfect object to photograph. There is an empty space that was once filled with creative energy. The only thing I feel is a need to know what the future will hold for me. My CT scan was last Friday and I only want to know what the results were. I run to the phone each time it rings to check the caller ID to see if it is my doctor is calling....but only telemarketers are calling.

The painting above is one that I did when I first learned of the pelvic mass. I call the painting my private hell.....because of the lighting, the photo does not do the painting justice. There are faces painted in different locations.....faces of pain and frustration. A friend sent me an email this morning saying that Happiness is a journey....to stop waiting for it to begin and just be happy. If life was as easy as a slogan.