When you feel abandoned

Yesterday after a long time Jen and I were invited to go Roseville and visit Marissa. It seems as if spending time with us is not something she looks forward to. She has not said it, but her tone and look on her face speaks volumes. Conversation goes on about parenting, body size, politics and the over precribing of drugs. I get offended at some of the comments. Marissa believes she turned out a good person because of what she had inside. That is most likely true, but what is forgotten that I parented them, taught them and tried to instill values and morals. She doesn't realize it but the conversation is hurtful. Then the dreaded quizzing on how much time we spend at the gym comes up....No one has to tell us we need to exercise more, we know it by looking in the mirror each day. I try to explain that my doctor has forbidden me to go to the gym because my joints are under attack from the cancer and lupus. The doctor feels I can hurt myself and suggests going to a water class. I feel embarassed and like I am being talked down to. We leave the house and in the middle of the night, the thoughts and pieces of the conversation come into my dreams and wake me up. I feel so depressed. I write Marissa a letter and say I was hurt by the conversation....and I deserve to be treated differently. She feels I am being bitchy and needy and lets me know. Finally she says she does not want tot talk to me, and I am left feeling worse than ever. I call her on her way home and she is mad and still feels like I am trying to make her feel bad because of her opinions. I say I am sorry, I don't want to fight or have strain between us and I am dissmissed. I have not been able to stop crying. My heart aches and the daughter I once had has changed. She no longer cares about my feelings, only those opinions of another and his feelings. I feel hopeless and horriable. I feel abandoned and want to just give up.

And once there were three

Life is changing everyday, every hour and every minute. Once I lived in a house with all the luxuries a woman could want. Behind the scenes I endured unimaginable abuse, but what kept me alive and with hope was the bond of the three. My two daughters and I. Going through chemo and enduring abuse were manageable because I had their love to carry me through.
I looked forward to the little escapes we planned and loved to cook for them on Sundays.
Just having them near, gave me strenght to endure any pain of the disease or pain inflicted upon me.
I live in an apartment with Jenny. We do not have fancy furniture, a backyard, and we share a bathroom. We have to wait our turn to use the complex washing machines and hope that our clothes dry in the allotted time. I am learning to live on a small pension and no longer can indulge on luxuries of before. Now each purchase is thought about....shopping for groceries at dollar stores to find the best bargain. Sundays are no longer special for the three. One is missing......and has moved on. We speak via emails during the week, and are no longer a priority in her world. Jennifer and I try as hard as we can to keep a connection. She is my roommate, my last one before the three is no more. I gave up my pension to provide tuitions and now have no backup monies. I had thought that I would not be forgotten once carreers took off, but should not have counted on that. Alimoney is non existant.....I sometimes wonder if escaping the violence is worth what I have lost? Do tears matter if no ones sees or feels them? I hang on tight to my last daughter knowing though that she soon will move on.....and there will be only me. My future uncertain and without promise. I have a diseased body that will one day give up.
I ask God if happiness is something that is not meant for me. Perhaps only some are happy in life and others are meant to suffer so there is balance. I don't know the answers...but wish I did.