Life

Life is a funny thing. Sometimes when you think everything is ok, the rug gets pulled out from under you, and you have that surprised look on your face.....like did that really just happen??? Lately I have had a friend in the hospital in ICU, I have not been well and then Ialso get the chance of the lifetime to show in at the Latino Art Muesuem.....all within the last week. When the walls seem to be closing inI , something good happens. The saying God will not lead you to it, if he was not going to get you through it, makes a lot of sense to me. He has lead me to a lot of different situations lately and as much as I want to hide my head, I have stood up to the challenge looking fearless. My grandbaby is the only true person I know. She tells you straigh what she will eat, when she will sleep and if she is ready for that book or not. There is no in between with her.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about life insurance lately due to a facebook contest in which I did not win. But I understand with all the what ifs and the surprises we all face everyday, life insurance would give you a sense of peace. I crave peace, I want normalcy......I just want to be happy

Rain Rain Go Away

It is raining again today. The weather is cold and the weatherman says we will have cold rain for the rest of the week. I grew up in Oregon, you think I would be used to the rain, but I don't like it. I hate getting my hair wet, I hate getting my shoes wet when I step in a puddle and most of all I hate the cold. I am cold all the time anyways, so when it rain like it is now I wear several layers of clothing, feeling like a bundle of sweaters. Today on the news they showed the island of Anguilla....said it was 82 degrees. If I could have a wish granted today it would be to go there or to Puerto Rico. I think I would choose Puerto Rico, not only is it isla de encanto, but my sisters, aunt and nieces live there. How wonderful it would be to be with family. To hear the laughter of my aunt, sisters and nieces. I did not get to grow up with them close by, but my mother always told me stories and made sure we knew everything about them. I have pictures of my nieces growing up in their school uniforms, one as a model, my cousin in a little white suit and hat. The best picture is of my mother and aunt with my uncle at a night club with their 50's dresses and tiny waist. My aunt still has an air of youth about her. My sisters and nieces have inherited the looks and great skin and look amazing. Each one of them unique and full of kindness and laughter.

Dreaming of being there is what is getting me through this rainy storm. Maybe just maybe I will get to go soon.......I can always dream.

How long do you wait?

How long does a person wait until it becomes unbearable? Recently during a CT scan a lump was found, The oncologist said we could wait and see or treat. The reality is I have been on chemo so much it has effected my other vital organs so to be conservitive I elected to wait. Every day when I feel so fatiqued that I can barely open my eyes, I wonder if the tumor is causing this. Taking a walk, I get winded and have to lay down to recover. Yesterday I took care of my grandbaby overnight, by the time I made it home, I was exhausted. I fell asleep for hours. As wonderful as it was to care for the little one, it took so much out of me.

I wonder how long I should wait. Should I force the issue and demand treatment or just let it be.

I am tired, I am feeling lost. When does it really become unbearable.

Valentines Day

I hate Valentines Day. I am struggling with not having a person in my life to love and cherish. Instead I babysat my grandbaby so her mom could go out on a romantic date with her husband. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my grandbaby, but compared to past Valentine Days, this one sucks. Getting a card from your daughter is not the same as someone writing you a love note or sending you a surprise. When I was married, even though I was abused, I somehow recieved flowers and a gift. It was more out of guilt than love, but I knew I was part of the crowd that was celebrating and not alone. Today I am just alone.

I had breakfast with an old friend the other day. I had not seen her in 6 years and we had a lovely time. The only thing that caught me off guard was the comment after I remarked how wonderful she looked. She quickly told me, I know I look great don't I?? I had the bypass surgery now I have a tiny figure, I feel bad that you still have the same body. I have always been a overwieght since having my children. I am an emotional eater. For the most part I have happy with my body image. But the simple statement took the wind out of my sails. I felt ashamed that I had not had the surgery and looked like her. It only added to my depression that I don't have anyone in my life right now. Made me hate today even more.

A friend recently took another approach to wieght loss, exercised and changed her way of eating, every pound she dropped was earned. So I guess having a surgery to make you thin is not something I should aspire to have. Perhaps, going back to the gym and watching the what I eat is the way to make my life happier. I pray this day passes quickly. I really hate this day.

Hospitals

I am a cancer patient so I have a lot of time in the hospital. Having emergency surguries, getting chemo and even saying goodbye to loved ones. I am very familiar with seeing various procedures and treatments. Nothing freaks me out. I have been poked, prodded and been cut open and even had a surgery where I was not asleep and felt the pain as a tumor was removed. Talking to nurses and doctors I feel comfortable with listening and questioning procedures and medicine.
What I hate about hospitals is that there is no sense of urgency in anything they do. A procedure maybe scheduled and you wait hours until the doctor is ready. My bestfriend is in ICU, I recieved an urgent call yesterday that a procedure that was potentially life threathening was about to happen and I needed to travel an hour to get there ASAP. So I jump in my car, break all speed limits and run into the ICU. Only to be told that they are waiting on the surgeon. Time seems to slow down and hours and we wait for hours until the surgery is done. After which waiting for them to finish and give an update feels like an eternity. I am amazed that they finish and no one hurries to say what has happened. Then they finally come out and say, well we did not find the reason that this is happenning. WHAT!! You just operated and nothing is found! Her life is so fragile, our nerves are on the last thread and nothing is found. I just want a reason to keep having hope. Just a small reason....not asking for a miracle just a day of good news.
I have put off chemo so I can be at my friends side. I don't have the emotional strenght to have treatment if she is in a coma, I am firm on my decision. I just wish I had that miracle soon....

Fear

Fear, what is fear? The fear of commitment. The fear of being alone, the fear of illness, even the fear of spiders. I realized that I have a lot of fear going on lately. Valentines' Day is just around the corner and this year I do not have anyone to celebrate this commercialized day that was invented by a greeting card company. The sad part is I like Valentines Day. I love the the silly love songs and cards. The small thoughtful gift, and the flowers. On my dresser sits a few Valentine gifts from years past. They taunt me. Saying you are alone..

I have not really cared about cancer treatment lately, I seem to have this feeling that I really don't care anymore. Not sure why, but treatment is not on my mind. What is on my mind is that I am alone and I hate it.

Life insurance contest coming to an end.

Wholesale blog contest is coming to an end. I had written my blog for years then closed it because it was hard to have strangers read my rambling of cancer and abuse. I wanted to win an ITouch so I wrote a blog about what I knew about Life Insurance in hopes I would be the winner. I was sent a polite thank you note about entering the contest, so I am assuming I did not win. I have spent a lot of time thinking about insurance lately. I am lucky to have healthcare insurance and auto insurance but no life insurance. With my friend in ICU and me fighting cancer I would love to have life insurance. To leave a leagacy to my daughters, or just to help with the expense of dying. All the things I had to have before mean little to me now. The huge shoe collection and designer bag collection mean nothing when it comes to insuring your future. My friend who is dying has no life insurance. Her life is hanging in a balance and right now I wish she had it. It would be nice if she were to pass that her parents would not have to pay for the funeral. It would be nice to see what she wanted to come to fruition.

Life is so fragile, no one really knows how fragile until they are face with sickness, there is no preparing for the end of life.....if only I had purschased life insurance....

SuperBowl Sunday

Today is Superbowl Sunday, billions of people are having gatherings to watch two teams crush each other for a ring and a title. I have been invited to several gatherings.....I was also invited to go see one of my favorite recording artist Sarah McClaughlin in Oakland. I have instead chosen to do laundry instead. Trying to do a mundane task that will let me not think about life right now. I am not a big football fan though the commercials during Superbowl I enjoy. The snacks and food for Superbowl I adore. Normally my friend would beg me to go over and watch the game with her, she would make nachos and chili and some kind of chocolate dessert. Instead my mind set is to not go to the hospital, because yesterday was so hard seeing the state she was in and not go to a party and put on the" I am ok mask".

I have put my healthcare on hold during this time, the cancer is slowly growing unchecked and I do not care at this moment. Normally I would be frantic to get treatment and talking to the Oncologist asking a million questions and begging him to do something. For now my cancer is not the focus of my life. This is a turning point in my journey, the life of someone else is more important.

Yesterday and today I had conversations not intiated by me about the what if she dies...what would her wishes be. I know these conversations have to happen but inside I am screaming at her family and friends to quit it. I don't want to be part of the negative talk. God and I have a conversation going on about sparing her life and I don't want to lose hope.

I wish I could ask the billions of people watching the game to take a moment and pray....for heaven to be filled with voices of Lord, bless Lori and spare her life......instead they will be yelling for the Packers and the Eagles (okay I am not sure of the teams) but whatever they are screaming if I could just ask them to pray....just pray for a minute between your beer and game watching. JUST PRAY.

Masks

I have a coping skill. It works for me during times of stress and depression. I wear a smile on my face and tell everyone I am ok, no matter what is going on with me. I call it my coping mask. When Armando used to beat me, I told no one. I used lots of makeup if he hit me in the face and long sleeves to cover bruises. When questioned by doctors, I always said I was very clumsy and falling. I find myself wearing a new mask lately. Things are really bad. My best friend is in a coma. My daughter is still trying to find work and things are just not going well in my life. I pray and give thanks to God but when people ask me how I am doing I smile and say I am ok. I don't want people to pity me or don't want them to cry for me. I dress up in bright colors, do my makeup and hair and put on the mask that everything is okay. Even when my health is failing, I just say things are fine. It is ok. Do people really want the truth anyways? They ask how you are, but do they want to hear how bad it is. When you open up some people stay around, some say you have a lot on your plate right now, maybe we can do something later......

I have not been able to sleep lately, but have a face brightner product that makes the bags under my eyes look smaller. A little lipstick and a nice envelope is the mask I wear to hide the garbage that is barely able to be contained.

I miss my talking to my friend and hearing her say just breathe.....making me smile when I could not even think about smiling. I feel I am a hostage to all my hopes and fears. I hide behind the mask that is OK.

My best friend is dying

Lori helped me escape from Armando. We worked like robbers in night and moved my things out of my abusers house. She gave me shelter and finacial support when I had nothing. She has been out of work for the last three years and has not had insurance. To deal with the depression she began to drink more and more. Instead of drinking in the evening it progressed to an all day thing, beginning in the morning until night. My friend was and is an alcoholic, just like Armando was. I overlooked her drinking because it became a point of contention between us....was easier to ignore than fight. She was still my friend and we helped each other out. She took me to Chemo or came to my rescue many times.

Last week she had a stomachache. It was so bad that she called 911. The emergency room doctor said she had cysts on her pancreas, a side effect of the abuse of alcohol. I was the last person to have a conversation with her before she slipped into a coma like state. Her parents came from Georgia, and saw their only daughter in such poor shape. She has been getting progressivly worse. She was intubated then in order to drain the cyst they removed the tubes. They drained more than a liter of fluid and they attached a drain. As soon as they left the procedure her vitals plummented. She was again intubated and never opened her eyes.

This morning her mom called and said the hospital called and said to come. She has gotten worse and it did not look good. The sepsis has taken a hold of her she is dying. I am scared, I am so sad, I have been praying and just don't understand. I witnessed Armando die from the side effects of Alcohol abuse. I had to make the decision to take him off the machines. I could not go to the hospital today. My body is exhausted physically and mentally. I can't watch another person die in front of me. I feel guilty that I am not there, but I feel so horriable, depression is taking a hold of me. Pray just Pray