One door closes another door opens

4am and I am again awake. I watched "the pursuit of happiness" because in the middle of the night, mostly infomercials are on. As I watched the struggle of Chris Gardner as he chased happiness throughout the movie, I began to reflect on how I have chased happiness and at times I am wrapped in it and at others I feel it is just beyond my reach....or slipping through my fingers as I struggle to hang onto it. When you are not sleeping you reflect on your life and what has worked and what did not. There are moments I would not trade for buckets of gold and others I would pay not to experience again. But perhaps that is flawed thinking for the mistakes and hardships, I have learned many things things from them. In some aspects of my life I have become stronger and more self confident for the lessons I learned through my mistakes. I heard a phrase once that when you are going through a tough time that you should stop and thank God for he is teaching you a lesson. In the middle of the crisis to stop and say to yourself what am I learning from this is hard. It is easy to fight againest the tide then to let the crisis tide take you along. I am tired from lack of sleep lately.....I am tired of hearing of cancer stories on TV. I am just plain tired.

I am waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin......for that door to open with new challenges and surprises. I want to not to pursue happiness but to be immersed in it. For now I would settle for full night of sleep.

Gloomy Monday

Can I have a do over day? I was up most of the night, sleep alluding me even with sleep meds. I finally get to sleep around 6am and then the phone rings. My sister begins telling me of all the things that are going wrong in her life. This is not a new thing....It has happened time and time again where I have had to rescue her from finacial problems etc. I am tired and emotionally drained when she finishes her lists of needs and wants. The "woo is me feeling" from her is overwhelmning. I am empathic to her problems but honestly, I can not go into rescue mode yet again. I am dealing with my own baggage, I am unable to handle anymore.

I don't know why but I have felt like I am on the verge of tears lately.....watching the View today Gene Wilder talked about having Non Hodgkins Lymphoma....Elizabeth Edwards is also discussed and fact that she is stage IV. I am stage IV...the worst stage of cancer you can be at.

She is quoted that she does not want to be remembered for her having cancer but for what good work she has done. I just want to be remembered. Not forgotton, not a statistic, not another woman who lost her battle. I wish this day would start over...there would not be rain, there would not be anyone with problems giving me guilt trips, there would only be calm and peace...a day of light and sunshine not that of gloom and doom.

Gloomy Monday

Can I have a do over day? I was up most of the night, sleep alluding me even with sleep meds. I finally get to sleep around 6am and then the phone rings. My sister begins telling me of all the things that are going wrong in her life. This is not a new thing....It has happened time and time again where I have had to rescue her from finacial problems etc. I am tired and emotionally drained when she finishes her lists of needs and wants. The "woo is me feeling" from her is overwhelmning. I am empathic to her problems but honestly, I can not go into rescue mode yet again. I am dealing with my own baggage, I am unable to handle anymore.

I don't know why but I have felt like I am on the verge of tears lately.....watching the View today Gene Wilder talked about having Non Hodgkins Lymphoma....Elizabeth Edwards is also discussed and fact that she is stage IV. I am stage IV...the worst stage of cancer you can be at.

She is quoted that she does not want to be remembered for her having cancer but for what good work she has done. I just want to be remembered. Not forgotton, not a statistic, not another woman who lost her battle. I wish this day would start over...there would not be rain, there would not be anyone with problems giving me guilt trips, there would only be calm and peace...a day of light and sunshine not that of gloom and doom.

early morning Saturday

I woke up at 4am this morning. I had gone to sleep late but nightmares invaded my dreams and I decided to get up and putter around my home. On Thursday I watched John and Elizabeth Edwards announce the re-occurance of her breast cancer. The phrase of her cancer being not curable but treatable resounded in my mind. I heard those words over 3 years ago and the creeping fear that they evoked then seemed to arise again. I have been on maintence chemo. I go in every 3 months like an oil change to have the toxic drugs and biologics pumped into me to stave off the cancer that is treatable but not curable. My next treatment is the second week of April. Each morning I do the checks....I feel my abdomen for lumps and bumps. I do a breast check. I wonder each morning if I will find a new lump. I wonder if my lungs have growth that I can not feel. As much as I hate the taste of the medicine for the CT scans, I crave the test to reaffirm that I am still in remission. As I watched Elizabeth Edwards talk about her cancer I thought she looked brave...I recognized that face. It is one that all cancer survivors put on for their families to reassure them that everything will be alright. Under the brave face, you have the anxiety that the cancer is still treatable. You think positive and savor the moments that God has afforded you, and while no one is around, you feel for lumps and pray that the lump is maybe fat and not a tumor.

Some more daffadill hill pics

Daffadill Hill

My day started out badly. My DSL has been down and earlier in the week my Dish was down so to tell the truth, I was on tech overload. I needed a day of peace and nature. I remembered that my time to get to daffadill hill was nearing its end. If I did not go soon, the blooms would be gone and I would not see the meadow full of my favorite flower. So I grabbed my camera, called a friend and said lets take a ride. We drove through the foothills listening to Sara Evans and John Mayer cds playing. Making chit chat while driving the winding roads we passed the small town of Volcano, population 101. It listed 100 then someone crossed a line through it and wrote 101, I am assuming a baby was born. The road was a two lanes winding through cliffs displaying pine trees and a small brook. The curves finally turned into a straight lane and there was the daffadil hill. We parked and walked the trails taking in the meadows and beautiful flowers and day. Yellow and white daffadills in the middle of the forest with peacocks wandering the grouds. I took 93 pictures of flowers, the meadows, trees and a peacock. It was like an Oais in the middle of the high tech world, beauty was to be found in tucked away in the mountains leading to Lake Tahoe. No phones, No TV's, just the smell of flowers and pine. It was what my soul needed. To see spring emerging in the form of daffadill blooms. I did not want to leave but my friend reminded me of a promised lunch at a local diner and off we went, entering the world again.....I have my memories of the day and pictures to pour over.....Spring is here and life goes on.

think calm

Today the unimaginable happenned. It happened so quickly without warning. Leaving me feeling lost and helpless....you maybe thinking what in the world happened. Was it an earthquake? Was it another illness being diagnosed.....no my friends, something much worse. The Dish Satellite harddrive died. This means no more watching endless hours of reality tv shows or soap operas. Passions and One life to live will go on and I will not know what is happening to Teresa or Sammie. I will not be able to find out if I am smarter than a fifth grader. The worst part is dealing with a husband who will not be able to watch sports or reruns of Star Wars.....I will actually have to read the paper, or perhaps even a book. How I am wishing for the old rabbit ears as I type.....just put some alimunun foil on the ends and tweak it this way or that way and the channels come in. Now everything is high tech. The tv will not work without the use of a computer. I am trying to be calm....but without the TV, I will have to carry on more than one word answers to my husband. Why do the Angels and God hate me........just think calm, life will be restored to normal in 3 to 5 business days.

Happy St Patrick's Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today many of us will be cooking corned beef and cabbage, with little red potatos, and carrots. A meal that I happen to love even though I am not Irish...If I drank I would have a Guiness or just some green beer, but since I don't maybe some green Koolaid will do. When the girls were little, I would make them everything green to eat on ST. Pats' day. Green jello, green rice (white rice with food coloring) and chocolate chip mint milkshakes....they would squeal with delight at the green food and to this day remind me of days long ago that they had green treats. One day I hope I will have grandchildren and do the same for them....make little things that will be etched in their memories of silly days and fun. Long ago in the town I live in the bars would have a tug of war in the field near Spaans Cookies. Someone....would paint the yellow line on the street green. No one knew who did it.....but it was always there. There would be potty chair races from the local bars that no longer exist.....Like the 411 club, The Pizza Bank and Arlin's Pizza. Those buildings sit empty now or have been replaced by other businesses. Sonnyboy, a local legend and resident would wear his leprechaun outfit and be the Mayor for the day. How life in our town has changed.....our sleepy little town has grown so much, the St. Patrick Day events are long gone....I guess I am old because I remember those days....I wonder if the people who have moved to our town have any idea on what were the town's traditions......now talk of multiplex theathre and more coffee shops exist. The freeway divides the new part of the town and old town. In the old days we had Fifes department store where the Fife family ran the business and sold things like you would find in the five and dimes stores. The welfare building was the movie house, and Harvest church was the bowling alley. Shopping Kart, Marvel Store and Galt Super were the only grocery stores and they had in store credit, where you just signed your name and paid your grocery bill at the end of the month. The old Galt Pharmacy had a ice cream fountain and sold Kotex wrapped in brown paper bags so not to offend the delicate eyes. Everyone knew everyone, so you were never asked for ID when writing a check.

The old days are gone.....wonder what St. Patrick's Day will be in Future.....Wonder what our town will be like....I will drive by today and see if anyone painted the street green....I hope they did.

Is it Greed, Spite or looking for justice?

I worked for the largest telecom company in the United States. I took the job because of the pay and what seemed like a good career move. I was trained to answer billing questions then to upsell customers into buying caller id, DSL, Cingular PCS, and any other product that was required. I was a top seller, partly because my voice sounds young and I was nice to everyone, no matter where they lived. One moment I was talking to a movie star, Ned Beatty.....the next moment a working mom from compton. It did not matter, the customers liked me and bought whatever I offered. The selling was not an issue, I made a commission and I liked the products so I felt good about what I did. What I did not like was how I was treated. I was told to be there a half hour before my shift started to open the computer programs in order to serve the customer. I was not paid for that time. When I started getting sick, and taking time off I was followed by company security to make sure I was not going to the mall and going to the doctor. When I would return after my time off from being sick, I was called names like FMLA Queen, lazy, and taking advantage of the benefits. When I was on chemo and working, I had to ask for permission to go to the bathroom to throw up. Someone would come in and ask how long it was going to take because there were calls to be answered. I was told by the attendance manager that I should quit because I was missing too much work. I did not quit. I was fired and given long term disability.

I was approached the other day by another former employee about a civil lawsuit on unfair business practices. She asked me to join in and get justice for the treatment I endured. I met with the Lawyers and they were appalled at my story. I shared story with a former coworker, and was told I was being greedy and spiteful.....after all the company gave me medical for life and a small pension after they fired me. I had a hard time accepting her comments....am I being spiteful or am I seeking justice? I really don't care about monetary rewards from this lawsuit....I want my story told so people know that if you have a disease you are considered lazy for not going to work. I lost my hair, endured harsh chemical drugs but was considered abusing the benefit plan. How is this greed? How is this spiteful? Why am I considered less than a human for having a disease? The former coworker says I am disloyal to the company for participating in the lawsuit......my answer to her that they were disloyal to me when they asked how long I would take to throw up. Company loyalty has nothing to do with humane treatment. We still live in America....We still have rights.......What do you think?

pain day

The sun is shining and the sky is clear outside, yet for me it is all gray. It crept in overnight...slowly coming on, creeping into my body like a robber in night. The robber this time is pain. Robbing me of enjoying the spring day and sunshine. All I can see and feel is the throbbing pain in every joint in my body. It is like having a toothache in your joints, constant and painfull with no relief in site. I take pain meds but I think my body has built up a resistant to the pain numbing meds and I continue to feel agony. Bending over to pick up a pencil brings shooting pains down my legs and back. During the night my body was switched with that of a 90 year old. I drag myself out of bed looking for a chair or space that will give me comfort only to find that no place exist. I call my doctor's office only to find out he is on vacation until the end of the month....So I will try to endure this set back. Crying and screaming on the inside while the outside a blank face appears to the world. No use complaining......no one can understand......No one can feel the invisiable pain accept me. The sun is shining and all I feel is darkness.....will pray the sun will shine through the pain fog.

Somewhere out there.....

"Somewhere out there you will find the one." I found myself saying to someone. I said it with conviction and love. Lately our mailbox has been filled with wedding invitations, baby shower invitations and annoucements. The young ones who you once helped carpool to events are now openning doors of adulthood. It is hard to imagine the gawky girl, who once stayed up all night chewing gum with your children is now a woman and going to be married, or the child who you wiped their dirty face will soon be changing dirty diapers. Life goes by so quickly.....The paths you once took are different journies than ones you traveled down. Giving advise carefully now because you don't want to sway their opinion too much. You want them to expierence life and not settle because they want to be one of the pack. So you tell them....somewhere out there is the one for you.....don't rush through life, savor the moment. Love life......fix it if it is broken......heal it if it is sick......Love the ones who will always be in your life, your grandparents, family and the friends who have always been there for you even if you don't see them often. The ones you can email or call and they will be there.
Life is important....like people you know are special, keep them close. Love yourself first so you can be loved, then somewhere out there you will find the one you love.

Daffadill Hill

In a small town in the foothills not too far from my home is a place called daffadill hill. It only opens for a short time in the spring. It is a mountain top covered with daffadills, my favorite flower. The last few days the weather has been warm and I wanted to drive to the hill to take pics and enjoy the short lived time of the blossoms. I planned out my day. I would have lunch in Jackson at Mel's burger joint...where the peanut butter chocolate milkshakes are homemade and thick. I would go to my favorite antique store and then buy penny candy at the Candy Emporium. In my mind the day was to be perfect.

I wanted to make sure I remembered the route to Daffadill Hill so I looked it up on the internet and found their number. I called to see the hours of operation and heard a lovely ladies voice who said ....We have a foot and a half of snow on the ground still. Hopefully the flowers are okay....we are not open yet, but keep calling back. The dream of a perfect day was shattered. I guess instead of having a day of play....housework will have to be done. A phone call shattered my dreams of escaping dust bunnies.......two weeks until spring begins. Pray for Sun!

Do you remember when.....

Do you remember when your children were little and between juggling work and household duties, you still managed to schedule playgroups? Life was a series of dance lessons, trips to the visit zoo and museums. It was easier. You could coordinated sleepovers and your voice on who was invited was heard...maybe questioned at times but ultimately you got to decide and steer your children to the ones you wanted them to be friends with.

Then they grow up... You let go of the parent strings and hope that you have given them all the tools to be an adult. You hope with all your heart that when you are informed of the decisions that they are making that they are making the right decision. You wait, in the wings to help pick up the pieces if things don't work out the way they planned. It was easier picking up the toys in their room than seeing heartbreaks. I love thinking of the good old days....miss being the decision maker...glad that my daughters are the women they are....wishing that their dreams come true and the growing pains were not felt by them, only a mom would take the pain for their kids.

Yes, arranging playgroups sure was easier.

International Women of Color Day!!

Today was the International Women of Color Day event in Sacramento. It was the second year in a row that I was commissioned to do the art work for their program. As part of the deal I am given a table to display artwork. The event honors women who have made a difference in the lives of others and or their commuities. I went to event with only a few pieces of art and my daughters in tow. I had been told that I was going to be a honoree, but frankly I thought it would be a mention in the program that I did the art work.
There were numerous booths from health care to jewelry. As I sat at our booth I was summoned to the stage. To my surprise I recieved an award from Doris Matsiu from the US House of Representives and a glass inscribed plaque. I was so overwhelmned that my art and my cancer struggle was being recognized.
It was a wonder moment....Still have butterflies....still smiling.
Can you believe it??

Beautiful day.....new day

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the weather is getting warmer.

I am going to spend the day at a basketball playoffs for community colleges. My daughters' boyfriend is one of the coaches and basketball is one of my favorite sports. Nice thing is I get to spend the day with my girls cheering on a awesome team. Tomorrow I have a show and get the award for overcoming my disability. I frankly am more excited that I get to show than receive an award. I love showing people my paintings and photography....its like hey look what I did...like a little kid showing off their bag of tricks.

I had a book printed with my art work and pictures. It came out really nice and will sit on the table tomorrow so I do not have take up too much stuff.

We will go out to dinner afterwards to celebrate and just spend time together....I love the weekends.....can never get enough of the girls.