REFLECTION

Today was a day of reflection, a scary journey into the new world of cancer treatment and facing my fears and struggles. Today I received the new chemotheraphy drugs. The treatment lasted six and half hours. Marissa and I started off the day by going to a little resturant to have breakfast. It is part of my new drug treatment to take 100 mgs of prednisone on a full stomach. Marissa suggested we start the day having pancakes, one of my favorite foods. I woke up early, fixed got ready, fixed out bag of food and left for the resturant. Yesterday I was told I needed to stop reading cancer materials and not to be afraid of being afraid. To ask for help when needed and it was okay to cry with my family. Simple words.....hard to do,
but worth the effort. Over breakfast I looked across the table at my daughter and saw that she was just as nervous as I was. I had so much to say to her but could not let it out. All I could tell her was how much I loved her....I wanted to say don't be afraid but I knew that would be fake so I just let her see I was as scared as she was. We get to the chemo department and the nurse begins to explain the new drugs. She tells me that this is going to be very difficult on my body. That I will be more fatigued then ever, that by the second week I will lose my hair. She said to take the anti nausea every 4 hours instead of every 6 hours so that it will stave off the vomiting. I listen and want to cry, but just smile and say lets just find a vien. A man is seated next to me and will not stop talking to us....he literally talks for 3 hours without taking a breath. The sleep that usually comes with the chemo is robbed from me by the man who is receiving arthirtis medicine.....he is trying to be chatty and cordial and all I want is to tell him to be quiet. I begin sweating......my back is drenched, and sweat is beading on my forehead. The nurses gather around to see if this is a reaction to the drugs. Treatment is stopped and it is suggested I walk around to see if I feel better. We go get water from the coffee cart and I am offered to go to a different treatment room. I agree quickly hoping to have peace to return to my treatment. The room I enter in has two elderly people engrossed in lively conversation. The man asks what type of cancer I have and if I have ever smoked. I tell him I am in my 40's.....yes hard to say out loud, and my diagnosis.
He asked how I felt when I was told that I had cancer. He said her and I are almost 70 so I am wondering what it is like to be told you have cancer so young.
I say I was and am angry and sad. He said he understood that. He had lived a long life and yet he had less than a year to live he had done everything he set out to do. The women agreed. She was at peace with dying. She had grown children and grandchildren and had accomplished everything she wanted to do.
Life is funny...I wanted to say I may not have lived that long compared to you, but I will continue to battle, but I just sat there speechless. I thought have I done everything in my life that I wanted to do? No.....but I have had some great moments in life. I had two beautiful daughters who not only got their undergrad degrees and working on a law degree or a Master's degree. But more importantly they were loving and wonderful women. I raised two daughters who were not only strong but geninue people. They are grounded in life and are fun to be with. I have great true friends who would come to my side in an instant. I have been blessed with pursuing an art career and have some success.
I got to know my mother for 83 years and she left a legacy of laughter and funny stories. I am one of 8 children who live far apart yet the bonds of family are strong. The chemo treatment is harsh and it is living hell on how my body feels.
It is late at night and I finally feel up to typing. I am greatful for the energy and for the blessings I do have. I listen to my voice messages and The Lymphoma Society will give me materials to display at my show. My profits will go to them for research. I hope one day I will benefit from that. The cancer journey has brought new people in my life........kind and genenous people that I may have never got to know. So no...I have not done everything in my life but their is still time and hope. Fear and sadness will be on this journey but I will be ok.