when do you finally find the bottom?

I keep thinking I have hit bottom, but each day another stumbling block arises and I go down again. Tomorrow is my birthday. A year ago I left on my birthday, escaped the violience for a new life. The new life has not been easy. I have lost so much. The stumbling block that I thought I could climb I could not. I am still fighting the cancer fight with no resourses, each day I stress if I will have enough money to just buy the things I took for granted like food and gas. Tomorrow is my birthday. I had hopes that the gift I would recieve would be time with my daughters...I guess I am getting that , was told to come over at 5 to 8. Like an appointment. My heart aches.....I seem I can't find happiness.

lost

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. It feels as if I am in a tunnel and there is no light. My credit cards are maxed out from buying my meds and I do not have any other resources and feel abandoned by all. I have not left the house for days...just laying on the couch feeling hopeless. I have pain, but don't dare take any more meds for fear of running out faster. My birthday and thanksgiving is next week and I find no joy. I try to think of the positives and have a hard time finding any. Tears just keep rolling and since no one is around to see, they silently fall.

alter to medicare

I recently was in an art show that honored the Mexican Day of the Dead. Most people made alters to honor a loved one who passed away. I made mine as an alter to show the frustration of my situation. Full of cancer and unable to buy meds because my medicare drug allowance is used up. I put in pictures of my mother and father and one of me when I was a child.....I feel like I am almost with them, as living with this cancer is killing me slowly. It is not only eating away at my body but also my spirit. Someone told me the other day that I always smile. That looking at me you would never know that I had an illness or a care in the world. I guess that was a coping skill that I learned a long time ago when Armando beat me. I was too embarassed to tell anyone so I just smiled on the outside and hid the injuries done to my body and spirit. When I am alone I let down the mask, and the tears flow. I no longer talk about my problems to my family or friends as they are tired of hearing about them, and they just call it bitching. It is not bitching but frustration and fear.......I even stopped writing because I could not write when all I want to do is hide under the covers and not look at my maxed out credit cards and empty bank account. The holidays are coming and yes I know that Christmas is not about gifts, but it is just a reminder to me of what I do not have. My birthday is a few weeks away and it is also the anniversary that I left Armando. I am happy I left but I thought it would be easier. I struggle with bills now......I struggle with not being able to have my car serviced or able to take all the meds I should be taking. No charities have stepped up to help me.....I feel alone in my struggles...old friends no longer call...my daughters have embraced new lives and I just feel like a burden. Each day I think I am going to get a break, I am knocked down again. I never thought at my age I would be living as I am now. I worked hard all my life and I have nothing to show for it. I want a happy ending like that you see in the movies...I want to really smile instead of the one I hide behind.