Just Sad

sadness over took me yesterday. It crept up silently until my heart was so heavy. I sent out a mass email telling friends and family what is happening. I am surprised at the response. I receive a handful of messages of support and one call. An email to my brother, sisters and aunt will not do so I call them. Each conversation is hard. Retelling my health issues and my emotional state is not easy. All are so far away.....Accept one sister. My brother is in Oregon and my other sisters and Aunt are in Puerto Rico. My local sister is concerned but quickly tells me how depressed she is. Her life is not going well now. My mind wants to reach out and try to help her but realize that right now.....I need some help. I need some uplifting. Feeling selfish for not helping her I quickly get off the phone. All day my heart seems to be getting sadder.........I hurt and am so tired. I think about how last year, my role was the drug dispenser to my mother who was dying. She pleaded for more pain Meds yet I followed the instructions to the letter. Now I know how she felt. The pain Meds only dull the pain for a while but it is still there....Nagging at you, tormenting you.
By evening I decide I can not sit home any longer. I need to see another person.....Even for just a few minutes. I make calls to my friends.....All have plans,my daughters have plans for the evening. Loneliness and sadness are my company to watch silly TV shows. I try to paint but quickly lose interest. Nothing I paint seems to look right and it only irritates me. I haven't started the new chemo and I feel so awful.......What will my life be like a few weeks from now?
I broswe the internet and find a book called "The patient from Hell." It is a story of a man with NHL and how he fought his battle. I order it hoping to find some answers and clues to what I am going through. It is 3am and sleep has left me. The tears of the sadness have not. The girls will be coming home this weekend. I need to put on a brave face and stay positive. I will bury my sadness with the help of "zoloff and valium." I still can't get over the fact that I sent out 126 emails ......and only 5 people responded with words of support. The sad part is, the ones who responded were only casual aquaintences. I don't want to be bitter but I am. I don't want to be a lot of things but I am. I examine my life and ask myself if I have been a good friend to my friends. To some I have been......to others I could have been better. This is my life's lesson. I will be a better friend when the opportunity arises.....and I will not expect anything in return.