mixed blessings

Yesterday, I woke up at 5am and I spent 8 hours painting. I have 3 pieces that I like...my back muscles are soar from sitting at an easel and painting. Hard to let the painting come from a different place, but grateful that I painted not caring if it is my best work.....but it IS WORK that came from me.
When do we stop being parents?.....my children on not children but young women and when I see something that is not right, how do I still let them be adults and parent them. I will not go into details but I had to put on my parent hat today. It was a hard conversation to have and not overstep boundries. Lots of tears and hugs but things worked out. It was a blessing to be able to still parent....the job never ends

Art shows and Women of Color Day

Sunday I am being recognized at the International 'Women of Color Day, for being a woman of color who overcome my disability. I am excited and nervous. I will show a few pieces of art and receive an award. I also got news today that I have been selected to be the visual artist for the Gaffers International Film Festival in June. There will be two shows. One in Sacramento and one that last 3 days in Hollywood. I am really thrilled to be returning to the film festival and again be apart of a group of passionate filmmakers, poets and artists. My only problem is.....since I have been in remission I have not painted. I have work that needs to be presented and I have not been able to paint or draw a thing with my new found happiness.. Do you think that artist need to suffer to create. Van Gough lost his ear and eventually his mind but painted beautiful works.

I need to learn to paint from contentment, because I am happy now....I need to find the inter artist and just create. Wish me luck!

Angels

Do you believe in Angels? There are certainly people on earth who are angels in disguise of people....they are the ones who stand by you in tough times, do the extra things without waiting for thanks and bring smile and love into your life effortlessly. I believe in Angels. I believe they surround us and are our guardians loving us and guiding us to be the best we can. We may not see them but they are there at our sides protecting from harm and holding our hands in theirs when we are being put through a lifes lesson. I heard someone say the other day when you are going through a rough time you need to stop and say thank you for giving me this expierence and analyze what you have learned from the expierence. We learn from the good and bad challenges. We learn to be grateful for the good times and for the bad times for it test our strenght. Our family has gone through so much the last few years. We struggled with the illness then the passing of my mother, and in the middle of her dying I was diagnosed with cancer. It was hard to grasp why our family was given so much to handle all at the same time. The cancer diagnosis was a blessing for it allowed me to leave a job I hated and spend the last few months with my mother. We switched roles. I became her caretaker and she became the child. My daughters became stronger and more independent. They stepped up to having to be more self reliant and thrived. I was able to connect with family, I had only known through pictures and they became a source of love that was unexpected and welcomed. Each time a challenged was put in front of us, a solution was also not far away. It was the Grace of God and the Angels that we were able to find this. When I was caring for my mother, I spent many lonely days with her sleeping and wishing for company. A stray cat came to live at our house. He was afraid at first to be petted, but after much patience and food he became the household pet. On days I was overcome with fear, he would purr and rub againest my legs as if saying everything would be okay. When I would leave the house he would be waiting in the driveway to welcome me home.
Shortly after my mother passed he left. I went to the shelter and searched the nieghborhood for him but he never returned. Today while I was looking out the back window, I saw a young cat that looked like him. I wondered if this young cat was the offspring of my angel cat. I went to the backyard and we stared at each other and then he ran off. He is wild like his father was.
I am determined to tame this kitten as I did his father. I wonder if the angels sensed that I wanted to have a cat again and sent him. I believe they did.......for they have sent so many other gifts. Angels are everywhere....just believe.

Vision

Vision is so important. Yesterday I took a friend in for Lasik Eye Surgery.....the machine broke and we waited 6 hours until they did the procedure. In a few weeks he will be free from glasses and contacts for the rest of his life. I made a Visionary board the other day as part of "The Secret" philosophy. Each morning, noon and night I look upon it and see the items I want to happen in my life happen. Today I took my daughter in for her Driver's permit. She has not wanted to drive but needs a license in order to be able to move up in her job. I looked at my vision board last night and saw her leaving the testing area with a smile telling me she had passed the test. This morning as I sat on the cold hard plastic chairs at DMV I again looked in my mind and saw her passing the test. A sense of peace came over me and moments later the door opened and she came out with a huge smile.....SHE HAD PASSED! Her happiness was contagious...in the middle of the institutionize room.....we celebrated the vision coming true. A rite of passage, the drivers permit. Next step on her vision is her license. I see her driving......I see other things I want in future......I see Serenity. I see the only medicine I take is laughter. I see I am in the light and it reflects wonderful things for us all.

Friendships

It is late and I have to get up early to take a friend in for surgery tomorrow. He is my best friend who I have been friends with for over 28 years. Funny I never thought I would have a male best friend yet I can talk to him about anything and he has a great fashion sense. The surgery is a simple surgery and I am not worried. I just want him to be ok. I look back over the years and realized he has been there for me during the good times and the hard times. He has gotten up in the middle of the night to rush me to the ER and has held my hand during difficult procedures. How does one put a value on friendship? I don't think you can. It is something you cherish close to your heart and thank the heavens that you have the friendships. Some friends you can see occasionally and you still know that they are still the warm loving people that you were drawn to in the first place......others are only in our lives for a short period of time and move on. Thats ok....for they left an impression on your life and it changed it forever. I like the friends that do stay.....I like the fact that we all are growing old together and watching all that life has to offer unfold. If I drank....I would toast all the happy memories my friends have given me.....and I hope I have given them happy memories.

Happy Chinese New Year

Sunday was the first day of the Chinese New Year...it is the year of the Pig! I was born in the year of the dog.....it means I am loyal....yet does that mean I am also potty trained? LOL

Years ago I worked for a Chinese family and they would give all the employees red envelopes with money inside to insure prosperity for them and you in the new year. I still have my envelopes with the money inside...hoping that as long as I keep them, I will have wealth in my life.

Funny how wealth is associated with money. I think having wealth is also having love, happiness, family and ok a little money would help. I know a family who have it all. They are millionares and have the most beautiful huge house that I have ever seen. They have tons of money and the toys but they do not enjoy each other's company. They do not share the family bonds that I have. My house is the size of their garage but it is filled with joy and the love of my children. I don't envy them. I wish that they had just a small part of family love that I do not take for granted. Even though I am not Chinese, I will wear my red...(red converse sneakers rock) and gold and wish you all a happy New Year.

The Secret

The other day Oprah had a show on called "the secret." They had a panel of guest that included Jack Canfield who writes the Chicken Soup for the Soul books and others who promote the life change of "the secret." I watched the show and actually took notes and later that day ordered the book. I mentioned it to a friend and she had the movie "The Secret". The secret is the belief that your thoughts whether consious or not will determine your life. If you believe that you will be happy and live well, you need to believe in that and it will happen. I love the idea. I love the fact that you can change your life by thinking positives thoughts. The world is like a store, you can take and have what you want by wishing for it and believing in the positive and not allowing negative thoughts to enter your mind. I believe my life will be happy and abundant with love and wealth. I know the secret. I believe!

President's Day

Happy Presidents' Day! Today the girls are off from work and school making it a three day weekend. Nice to have them home. My pc was down for over a week, broke down on Valentines' Day, so I could not check email, blog or do anything. You don't how much you rely on your computer until you do not have it. Are there things in your life that you can not live without? I know my cell phone and my computer are things that are connected to me at the hip and when they breakdown I feel lost. It it funny how years ago, we did not have these items and were able to pay bills by writing a check. Pulled over to find a phone booth to make a call.....Can you even find a phone booth now? And if you did would you dare touch it for the germs that it is probably housing?? Life has changed so much that now we worry about having hand sanitizer in our purses and pockets and not shaking hands during flu season. Remember the 3 second rule? When you would eat that piece of candy as a kid that fell on the ground because it had only been on the ground for less than 3 seconds. Now we worry about salmonilla and food contamination. I liked the innocence that we had when we were kids. Not worrying about bills, phone calls or germs. When you could play outside until it was too dark to see. Now no matter how old your children are, you worry about them when they leave the house, no matter what time it is. The good old days, that were not that long ago are sorely missed.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! A day of commercialized love, where millions of people run out and buy flowers, cards and candy to tell the special person in their life that they love them. I don't buy it. I believe that each day is a day to celebrate the love you for your family and friends and that special someone in your life. One day a year is not enough to express the enormous amount of love you have for those you love. I declare that Valentine's Day is everyday. Never give up a moment to tell those you love that you really love them. Don't lose out on the chance to do an act of kindness......life is too short...life is too precious...
Tell those you love them everyday that you love them. Treat them with grace and love so that you make them happy everyday, not just one day of the year. Celebrate life and love everyday!

Just kicking it today

I didn't sleep well last night. There were pains all over my body that would not respond to any form of medicine. So I tossed and turned all night only to find in the morning that I was so tired and finally felt like sleeping......so the weather is cold and cloudy, I will park myself on the couch and give myself permission to curl up with a warm soft blanket and just kick back and not worry about errands, appts, or the cleaning. Today is my official day off.....LOL even though I do not work. I deserve a day with no worries, just mindless TV and hot coffee and the knowledge that the world will go on without me in it today.

=)

I am not my hair

Yesterday I went shopping and used my credit card. As I was paying for my purchases the cashier asked for my ID. The picture on my license looked like a different person than I am now. My license picture had a woman with long brown hair...an image created out of a bottle and a good hair stylist. Today my hair is just starting to grow back...with lots of gray and spikey. The hair that I spent tons of money to upkeep fell out in clumps and now I wear my hair as a badge of courage and hope. The cashier kept looking at the license picture until I said that is me.....my hair is my chemo cut. She looked again and smiled....just like the India Aire song "I am not my hair". I never heard of the song but quickly came home to my pc and Itunes and found it. It speaks volumnes....it speaks my story. Here are the lyrics:

I Am Not My Hair [Talking:]Is that India.Arie? What happened to her hair? Ha ha ha ha haDat dad a dat da [4x] Dad a ooh[Verse 1]Little girl with the press and curl Age eight I got a Jheri curlThirteen I got a relaxerI was a source of so much laughterAt fifteen when it all broke offEighteen and went all natural February two thousand and twoI went and didWhat I had to do Because it was time to change my life

To become the women that I am insideNinety-seven dreadlock all gone I looked in the mirror For the first time and saw that HEY....[Chorus]

I am not my hairI am not this skinI am not your expectations no noI am not my hair I ma not this skin I am a soul that lives within[Talking:]What'd she do to her hair? I don't know it look crazy I like it. I might do that.Umm I wouldn't go that far. I know .. ha ha ha ha[Verse 2]Good hair means curls and waves Bad hair means you look like a slave At the turn of the century

Its time for us to redefine who we be You can shave it off Like a South African beauty Or get in on lock Like Bob MarleyYou can rock it straightLike Oprah Winfrey

If its not what's on your head

Its what's underneath and say HEY....[Chorus][Bridge](Whoa, whoa, whoa)Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?(Whoa, whoa, whoa)

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Oooh(Whoa, whoa, whoa)Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?(Whoa, whoa, whoa)

I am expressing my creativity..(Whoa, whoa, whoa)[Verse 3]

Lymphoma Cancer and Chemotherapy Took away her crown and glory

She promised God if she was to survive She would enjoy everyday of her life oohOn national television

Her diamond eyes are sparklingBald headed like a full moon shining Singing out to the whole wide world like HEY...[Chorus 2x][Ad lib]

If I wanna shave it close Or if I wanna rock locksThat don't take a bit away From the soul that I got Dat da da dat da [4x]

If I wanna where it braidedAll down my backI don't see what wrong with that Dat da da dat da [4x][Talking:]Is that India.Arie?

Ooh look she cut her hair! I like that, its kinda PHATI don't know if I could do it. But it looks sharp, it looks nice on herShe got a nice shaped head She got an apple headI know right? It's perfect.

I have abilities not disabilities

It is now 430 am and I am awake, My body is tired but my mind does not want to sleep. I began to think of this disability that I have and how I have decided that I refuse -to be labeled that I have a DIS-ABILITY, but I have the Ability to have the "audacity of hope" (a phrase from Borac Obama).
This disease gave me many ablities:
It gave me the ability to have hope that I will get better.
It gave me the ability to have courage and face challenges that I never thought I would have.
It gave me the ability to ask for help, when I never relied on anyone before.
It gave me the ability to pray and ask for prayer from friends and strangers that I will have yet another day.
It gave me the ability to love my friends, strangers and my family and not expect anything in return.
It gave me the ability to laugh at the small things that go wrong, and rejoice in all that goes right.
It gave me the ability to have a voice when I was too scared or not brave enough to speak up in the past, I now can say what is on my mind with grace and guts.
So yes we have been labled as both having disabling diseases but we also have be graced with so many ABILITIES that we are truly lucky that God gave us these diseases so we can recognize all the gifts that are in our lives.
Therefore on those days when you are too tired to get out of bed, In so much pain to make it to the bathroom, remember and thank God that we do have the Audacity of Hope and all the abilities that we are blessed with.
I wish you hope and peace,

Water, Water everywhere

It is raining again today. After a winter of dry and cold the sky has openned up with water and it has been pouring for days. I dream of sun and warmth. Days of no worries, bills, or strife. I have errands to run today, yet being out in the rain with crazy drivers and the cold wet rain is not appealing. I woke up at 330am this morning......sleep alluding me. A good time to wash dishes....not much else to do accept play on the computer.
I have not painted in a while, There is no motivation to fill canvases with images. Have I lost my passion? Not sure.....just knowing that not wanting to paint at this time. Wishing that it would return so to fill the paint gliding over the canvas....a wonderful feeling. The smell of the paint and the mixing of colors to see what my imagination has comes up with......maybe the passion is not gone....just on hold for now.

Raining

It is raining today. The first rain we have had in over two months.
the cold dark day is reminence of my mood. I woke up at 4am, in a panic not knowing what yesterdays test results were, hoping and praying for the best. The phone just rang and it was my doctors' office saying that more tests are needed. Still no reason why I am sick in this time of Cancer Remission. All I know is I hurt. And lord knows I am so tired of not feeling well. I got a letter and an email about being selected as an honoree for the International Women of Color Day. They have been honoring women of color who have a made a difference or overcome a great obstacle. I am proud to be honored for my work as an artist and for my public speaking on art theraphy to over come pain. I have also been selected to design their brochure for the second year in a row a recieved some positive feedback from the Helen Keller Inst. I guess good news does come on rainy days........

Let it go By TD Jakes

Let it go for 2007... By T. D. JakesThere are people who can walk away from you.And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you.And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.Let them go.And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it justmeans that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!If you are holding on to something that doesn't belongto you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..... LET IT GO!!!If someone can't treat you right, love you back, andsee your worth.....LET IT GO!!!If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge..... . LET IT GO!!!If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ...LET IT GO!!!If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ....LET IT GO!!!If you have a bad attitude.... ... LET IT GO!!!If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!! !If you're ! stuck in the past and God is trying to takeyou to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!If you are struggling with the healing of a brokenrelationship. ......LET IT GO!!!If you keep trying to help someone who won't even tryto help themselves.. ....LET IT GO!!!If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....... LET IT GO!!!If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourselfand God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......LET IT GO!!! Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!LET IT GO!!!Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then .....LET IT GO!!!"The Battle is the Lord's!"

celebration....on hold

A little nervous and scared this evening. Doctors, family and friends are saying "don't worry." I spent Saturday in the ER with the stomachache from hell. XRays taken, blood drawn and meds given but no reason for pain. In the end was sent home with knowledge that my liver is inflamed. Emails from Onconlogist and Primary doctor speculating the cause....maybe too much of a certain drug........no can't be, haven't used that drug in a while......Well maybe exposure to Hep B.....and chemo stirred it up. come in for more tests I am told. Tired of being a test subject for the unknown. Sleepless night is haunting me.....waiting for morning to go to lab for tests. Don't want to have another set back. Wanted to have a longer reprieve.
Recieved an email from a friend apologizing for not being a good friend....very gracious.......a little late. When do you just let things go? When do you just have hope and happiness and not let worry enter into your thoughts? Does it ever happen? Is there a happily ever after? One can only wonder.......