Today is Mother's Day. This day holds a lot of memories for me. Memories of celebrating the day with my own mom who is now gone and the celebrations with my daughters. I always enjoyed Mother's Day. The girls' always made up for the lack of attention that Armando paid to me by planning gifts and a surprise outings. There were years when they were little and would make recipes from the American Girl Cookbook and serve me a much loved but not always so tasty breakfast and make me a heartfelt gift. Weaved potholders and handmade cards are still treasures that I have saved over the years. As they grew older, the surprises would be going to tea to visiting a mueseum in San Francisco. The girls would huddle together and make plans. I looked forward to Mothers' day with anticipation and joy knowing it was well thought out and full of love.
This year is different. I depend on one daughter to help me pay my rent and live with the other. I have not recieved any spousal support and the SSDI check is not enough to live without assistance. I have to depend on the girls to survive each month, with most of my check going to copays, medicines and insurance premiums. My sense of self has suffered when you once did things for them and now depend on thier assistance to just get by. I have had to swallow my pride.
Relationships have changed between my daughters and I. My counsel is no longer seeked on important decisions and if I make a mistake I am treated as if I was a child.
The roles have reversed. One daughter has admitted distanced herself from me because I am no longer as happy as I used to be. She has a new relationship in her life, one that she seems to have found the one. Since my happiness meter is not up to the level that it should be, she finds it hard for her to be around me. I don't choose to be sad, but yes I am sad now. I left an abusive relationship and my cancer is still growing. Having to depend on them has left me in an awkward position. When I was married, I compensated by the abusive relationship with money. I bought them things and spent money on myself.....I compensated for the lack of love and the abuse with plastic credit cards and access to lots of cash. That is gone. I live in a different city now, and am far away from friends. My social circle has shrunk. I no longer have the cash to buy my happiness.
I have been looking forward to Mother's Day. Silly but my heart was set upon a surprise outing....or just quality time with the girls. A day where I could forget the depence and the cancer. All week I asked what should I expect.....only was told not to worry, something would be planned. My hopes were up....I had never been let down before. Yesterday, I got a phone call in the evening. I asked one daughter what time I should be ready....was told she had some plans in the morning, perhaps a late dinner or a movie. She would tell me in the morning. My heart sank. I realized that I had set myself up for a special day and in actualality I was being fit in. I tried to sound upbeat about it, but as I was talking my face conveyed a different look. My other daughter saw the look I had and said don't worry we are doing something with you.....just not anything big. They had not planned anything really, but she was sure that I would at least get something. I felt placated....a sense of loss.
Later that evening, while out on the art walk with the daughter I live with my cell phone rang. It was the other daughter saying plans had changed....could I go to her house at 10:30, her bf would make crepes and maybe we could just hang out for awhile. What could I say but ok..... the look on my face showed disappointment. My youngest daughter saw me while on the phone and said...."hey its your day tomorrow, at least you are getting something." I snapped back that it did not feel like my day.....and she got annoyed with me. I felt like a spoiled kid....I felt a huge amount of saddness. One so great that she would not understand. The disconnection between my daughters and I has been so great lately, this only reinforced how I no longer was needed, only a burden in thier lives. The role reversal was hard on me.....the lack of being important to them was hard to take. I realized that cancer and the divorce had robbed me of so much...this was just another causualty of the two. My ability to be happy was creating distance and I don't know how to pretend that I am not sad. I don't know how to pretend that I am ok and not missing them nor the part they used to play in my life. The disease has left me feeling like I am no longer strong. That I am no longer the one could do things without help. My vision is even failing that I can not read instruction on boxes when things are being made. I was grateful to get home and went to my room and cried. I called a friend and she was joyful. Her daughter was taking her to Hawaii for mothers' day. She asked what I was doing and I told her of what was going on. She said that understood how I felt, maybe it was time to move on with my life. Maybe it would be easier to live far away from my daughters.....so I could regain my sense of self again. That other states it was cheaper to live and maybe I could begin anew and not have to rely on them. I wonder if it would be easier to deal with the cancer and the divorce alone. I would not have expectations of being happy...I could just be sad and not be judged.
I would have to deal with the cancer alone and maybe that is what I need. I have had the pleasure to have had the strong relationships with my daughters that others did not have....but perhaps part of them growing up and me learning to live again would mean moving away and letting the cancer take its course alone. That they could be free to live a normal life without having to deal with a sick mother. I am not sure what I am going to do....but I do know that I must not have expectations anymore. I will not assume things are the same. The reality of my life is that it would never be the same. Being among those you love and lonely is how I feel, so being alone I would not have expectations so loneliness would not be an issue. As I am writing this my eyes raise up and I see a picture of the three of us together....I realize that those days are over. I need to find me again....my journey needs to continue, perhaps on a path where I can find the independence I once had.
