masks

It has been several weeks since I began this new journey in my life. There have been really good moments and some bittersweet moments. I know longer have fear of being hit or verbally abused. I miss certain things. Before the girls would come home on Sunday morning and spend the night until Monday and go off to work. I would cook a huge meal which included a special dessert. I am staying with a friend and over an hour away from my daughters. The last few Sundays have been ackward. The first Sunday I went to their apartment. My oldest daughter has a new boyfriend and they spend a lot of time together. She is very happy. She came on that Sunday with her bf for a quick lunch. I spent the majority of the time with my youngest daughter. It was nice and quiet. I felt strange not cooking a meal for them and being a guest at their home. Driving home I found myself crying. A sense of loss came over me. The loss of once was. Sunday was no longer a focal point for us. I suddenly felt lonely and sad. I started to doubt myself if I should have left home....but quickly remembered the reasons I left. I just don't think I deal well with change. Last Sunday the girls came to place where I am staying. We seemed nervous and strained. They had eaten so the meal I had planned on making did not happen. We instead went window shopping. They left after a few hours and again the same sense of saddness came over me. I missed them so much. I missed spoiling them with homemade cookies and just sitting and talking. We talked about Christmas plans and it seems it will not be what I had imagined it to be. I am learning to be flexiable and let others make decisions. It still does not feel like Christmas to me. I have moments of saddness that seems to engulf me. I should be feeling joy because I left a horriable situation.......but I miss the comforts I once had. I still feel lost and wish I could truely feel comfortable in my skin. I find myself worrying over money and overstaying my welcome. People have written and told me I am strong....but I don't feel strong. It is just another mask I wear.