Almost Christmas

It is almost Christmas. I have baked cookies and pies. In the morning I will make a pumpkin cake to take to my daughter's boyfriend house to celebrate with his family the eve of when Christ was born. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would not be in my house or on a vacation for Christmas.

Things have changed so much. I no longer have the access to money and credit cards...therefore I no longer drown my sorrows in material things. In its' place I have a sense of peace knowing that I have escaped an emotional and physical prison. My cancer used to be something I worried about, something I thought defined my life. Now I know is just a disease that I am surviving. I am losing wieght, not by choice....it is dropping off because I no longer eat to fill the unhappiness. My jeans are so lose that I have to pull them up. I cry out of happiness instead of saddness. Armando has called several times....he said he missed me. I wonder if he misses that I am no longer there to wash,clean and cook or to take out the frustrations of his life on. Does he miss the bruises he used to leave on my body and mind? I almost felt sorry for him but I stopped myself....remembering that I am strong. I am where I am supposed to be. There will be hard days....I frankly miss the ability to not care how much something cost. I now am grateful for small things. When I left home, I took only a few things....I left behind things like tweezers, finger nail polish etc. A friend gave me some for Christmas and it was like recieving gold. Another friend gave me a gift certificate to Target...not realizing how much I needed it to buy the little things I did not pack. Christmas is here....the time for rebirth....I am reborn with a new sense of freedom and strenght. I have a new start at life. I feel loved and I am happy.