100th blog.....appt yesterday

This is my 100th blog.....I noticed that fact this morning. It has been another sleepless night and cancer is still in my life. I met with the urologist yesterday. I was the youngest person in the waiting room....I guess people under the age of 80 don't have urology appts. It was kind of funny because old men began to have small talk with me.....telling me their life's stories as I waited to be seen. It did not matter that I had put on my Ipod, they talked to me until I put it away. My name was called and I was ushered into a room and the nurse did an ultrasound. I asked when the results would be back....she said they are already done. The Doctor came in shortly after and was very kind to pull up the ultra sound and show me what the tumor looked like. It was tear dropped shapped and covers the entire top of my bladder.....another veiw showed it came down as if a triangle shaped poking into my bladder. He said that was why I felt the feeling of pressure and pain all the time. He then pulled up my CT scan and showed me my CT scan xray. He asked if I had smoked.....I said no.....he said with all the tumors in my lungs....it looked as if I smoked.....I told him my only addiction was chocolate....hence I was fat. He said there are far worse things then being fat. We made a date for him to put a camera inside me and see if the tumor has infiltrated the bladder. If not he will not be able to do anything. He said he would like to get a biopsy of the mass and would talk to my cancer doctor. I told him that I had been told that would not happen because of my fattness. He said he was hopeful that they could do it. Overall since I had no expectations of any coming out of this visit, I left with the only thing knowing what the tumor looked like. There really was no plan of action other than the camera thing......

I have had a sense of saddness all day and night. I realized that things are changing and I am not. Less time with the girls is being spent and I feel I really don't have a purpose in life. Most of us have jobs and can indentify with the careers we have chosen....my day is like ground hog day every day....same routine....same things done each day. I don't have anything really to look forward to.....the only place I go to on a consistant basis is Kaiser hospital. The phone rings less now......the emails are fewer as everyone goes on with their life....and I am still in the same place...I miss my old life.