Urologist appt

It is 230 in the morning and at 11am I have an appt with the urologist to see about the tumor on the bladder. I have no expectations......it seems when I hope that something will turn out a certain way and it doesn't happen and I come crashing down. So it is easier to not to have expectations......just see what he has to say and move forward. Live each moment and not try to see beyond for its easier to live in moment then to ponder the unknown. I have tried to sleep.....but again sleep has slipped away so I find myself trolling the internet....watching videos on UTube and reading other blogs.

I am addicted to Kathy Griffin and her show My life on the D list. The other night was hard to watch her usually funny show, her father pasted away. He was in his 90's and lived a full life. When death comes into any family no matter if it is expected or not.....the pain is so paletable...almost as if you can touch it. My best friend Manuel watched the show...it happen to fall on the bday of his mother who passed a few years back of breast cancer. When he talked about it you could still hear the pain in his voice after all these years. Does the pain ever ease for those left behind? Do we ever really get to say the things we wanted to say? We say we all try to live our lives to the fullest....but do we ever really do so? Are we bogged down in the everyday annoyances and obligations that we forget to acknowledge the people who have played a part in our stories......I wonder if my friends truely know that I love them.....I love them for all different reasons......some for their humor and the ability to carry on a conversation no matter how long we have not talked. Some for their imperfections....Some friends I love for the simple reason of having been my friend for so long and loving me back with all my imperfections. I know I tell my daughters that I love them all the time.....I hope they know that I love them more then they will ever imagine. I love them when they achieve their goals and love them when they falter.....You really know you love a person, when they have messed up and you can only ask if they are ok. Who cares that whatever they did happened.....the simple fact that they are ok is the only answer you struggle to hear. Living ones life is not easy. We all want more things, and we seem not to have enough time. I do not want as many toys or objects anymore....I want time. I want time with friends to laugh and gossip with. I want time with my family to bask in their love. I want time to correct the wrongs I have done to the ones I love. I want to go to places I have not been to....like Santorini Greece and see the white houses perched on the hill tops with their white paint and blue roofs overlooking the sea. I want to lose wieght but be able to eat chocolate and not gain a pound..... I just want time....So.....in a few hours I will see yet another doctor, one that is unknown to me...I hope I can report back good news.....but if not I will just enjoy the day. I will try to remember that I am me and not my cancer. I will remember that I have family and friends who love me.