A little bit of chemo......

Yesterday, I woke up early in the morning to prepare for a day at Kaiser. This was going to be the second attempt to give me chemo. My blood pressure has to be low enough so that I do not risk the possiability of a heart attack. I take my blood pressure medicine and a Valium so I do not get anxiety about my BP. I know I am going to be wieghed and have been eating everything so I don't have more wieght loss.....so I have indulged in m&m's and cookies with no regard to my waist line. I am so determined to have chemo because I do not want to be turned away.....the stress and feeling of hopelessness that I had the last time is something I fear. I am not afraid of death....I am afraid of dying. I have a DNR in place as did my mother....so only pain meds are to be given. You would think that it is an easy process, but I watched my mother die and the pain she endured as her organs shut down. No matter how much morphine they gave her....she endured a week of torture. So death is not scary....the process is.

When I get to the hospital, my bp is taken....it has gone down a bit....so the nurses check with my doctor to see if they are going to give me an infusion. My doctor decides a half dose....I am ok with that. At least we are still fighting the cancer. I am given the benedryl drip which usually brings on sleep....but I can't sleep. The fear that the doctor will change his mind is so present that I am wide awake. I notice the other patients.....all new faces....mostly senior citizens..I think to myself I am too young to be going through this. An old woman falls to the ground trying to get into the infusion chair.....too weak to stand on her own. The nurses scramble to get her up and not upset the other patients....I see worry and pity in the womans daughters eyes. She is finally seated and given blood and chemo. She is told she must come weekly for blood since her body is not making the blood it needs. My cancer is bad but compared to her I am better off.

My doctor has his nurse come get me, taking along the IV pole of chemo so he can check me out. On the way I am wieghed....I look at the number it has not changed...I have trying to eat more, so I would not lose...I have not lost a pound, I maintained. I know that by eating the junk food I should have gained some wieght but I stayed the same...a good sign I guess. The doctor is pleased that I did not lose....I didn't want to tell him I upped my calorie intake so I would not lose. Sometimes eating when I was not hungry. He talks about adding anther med to my already long list....the side effect is liver damage...I say I don't want anymore drugs. He says your BP is still too high and colestrerol is high...I ask what can be done do lower it naturally. He said to excercise more...eat more veggies and fruit, no red meat and no fried foods. I do that most of the time...accept this week where I just ate junk food. I pledge I will walk more...maybe even look into getting a bike to enjoy the nice area where I live.

Today I am having chemo sickness so I can not walk....but tomorrow I plan to....no more drugs added is my goal. I am happy with the little bit of chemo because I have decided that cancer has given me fear long enough....I plan to attack it and maybe scare it out of my body. LOOK OUT CANCER I am coming after you!