24 hours

24 hours.....1440 minutes....is all in a day. Today is Monday and I was glad that it was here. Sundays' are usually spent as a family day. A day to hang out with my daughters....never really having an agenda but just time together. Something has changed lately. Sundays do not have the feeling of closeness they used to have. It was all I looked forward to all week before. The cooking of a meal for my girls.....spending time listening to their week....feeling the love. Yesterday we went to Tea at our favorite tea shop...we had loose plans...In the back of my mind I thought we would go to tea and then just hang out.

We entered the tea shop....the owner recognized us and hugged us, saying it has been a while...it has been a long time since we have gone in. The owner seats us and ask how I am doing.....the standard ok is what I tell her. She says you have been on my mind lately. Funny how you came into the shop today. I ask why....she says on Monday...I will see the doctor to see if my cancer has come back. I have been cancer free for 18 years....I see the fear in her eyes. I try to assure her that it will be all good that this is just a false alarm. I think I am being convincing but I doubt myself as I say the words. I am afraid for her....I know how it is to get bad news. She says her husband is going to go with her and I am happy and a bit jealous that she has a husband to support her....I have leaned on my girls and I think it has taken its' toll on them. They do not have the freedom to live without fear and enjoy thier lives because I am the mom with the ancer shadow attached. They have to live each day with seeing me take hands full of pills......have to hear me moan in pain....and live with my depression.

24 hours a day I live in hell....I can not have a day without worries. 24 hours each breath, each thought is of pain and heartache. I want our Sundays back.

I want to laugh and forget that I am sick. I want 24 hours of no drama, no pain, and I want to have the freedom to forget about cancer. I miss my daughters and how it used to be. I dare not ask for more because I am afraid of rejection......life was easier before.