I now know how my mom felt

I became my mothers caretaker when she became very ill. I was working, raising two daughters and married to a husband who was not really a husband. I thought I was doing the right thing for my mother. I forced her to eat when she did not want to. I ignored her request for sweet items because they were not good for her. I followed the directions on her medicinces to the letter, only giving her pain pills every 4 hours which was the doctors orders. On the days she had really bad pain, I told her to hang on because if I gave her more we would run out before we could get more and she would suffer later. I never thought her pain was so great that waiting that hour was hurting her emotionally and physically. I lost my pataince when she would mess up her finances and overdraft her checking account. She wanted to give all her money away to her grandchildren each time they asked to the point that she would bounce checks. I covered the overdrafts and scolded her...but she really did not have a clue what she was doing wrong.....she simply forgot she did not have the amount of money she once had. I lost patience when she agreed to buy things when she did not have the money....she was easily swayed because her mind was not clear due to the meds and illness. She would enter into contracts to help one of her children or grandchildren out, because she did have good credit...and some of her grandchildren took advantage of it. I had to bail her out and finally to get her out of the finacial mess I took away her check book and paid off debts, in doing so I took her self esteem. I was not patient when she would have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night.....I was busy and our roles had reversed. It was as if I had another child I was caring for and I treated her that way.

Had I only known what I know today. That I would become what my mom was to me to my daughters. They have to drive me in the middle of the night or day to the hospital, disrupting thier lives and work. They have had to bail me out of money problems. They have had to scold me because I have entered into contracts or lawsuits that I did not understand. My memory is failing so I forget I made promises or appointments and the exasperated looks on thier faces is one that I know I had with my mom. I no longer feel like an adult at times when my daughters are scolding me for saying the wrong thing or making a mistake. I don't know if I should laugh or cry because of this reversal of roles.......I wish I had the patience with my mom that I pray for that my daughters have with me. Nothing is more humilating than having your 20 something scold you in front of strangers or others. I swallow my pride and agree when they lecture me on not doing this or that anymore. I see the look when I take a pain med because I can't stand it any longer and they don't think it is time. They can't imagine that amount of pain meds that I am on no longer take away the pain....but only dull it. In thier eyes the amount is huge so I should not be feeling any pain. I know I should not have that cookie but the older I get the more I crave the taste of things.....my taste buds have changed. I use more garlic when I cook and don't realize that to them it is a lot but I can barely taste it.

I regret so much on how I treated my mom...she was dying and I did not understand. Now I am dying and my daughters do not understand.....the sharp tone in thier voices cuts right through me....I find myself alone in my room crying over the comment, email or phone call that was made to scold me. I feel like I am 10 years old and such a burden now. I wish I could have changed the way I treated to my mom.....I wish my daughters would look at the way I feel when they lose patience with me.