A dark world

I have been unable to shake the dark feeling I have been feeling lately. Saddness has been a companion for a long time but lately it seems to be overcoming me. The advanced directive, the planning of the will and funeral makes me feel like I am running out of time. But the truth is I do not know how much time I have left. The set back of not getting chemo and then getting a little bit, has had an impact on how I feel. I don't know why I am letting this overtake me. I could have lots of years left....the fact is I just don't know. Having cancer is like having a lottery tickey with a unknown prize....I could keep fighting this cancer and be around for a long time or not. The unknown factor is making me depressed and anxious. I try to be hopeful but sometimes I can't. I feel bad that I am not more positive but the pretending that I am has taken a toll on me. Everything seems dark to me....Going through the divorce and having the unpleasant interactions with my soon to be exhusband has added to the stress. My life has changed so much. I have my freedom from abuse but I am broke. The marriage of abuse gave me the ability to live more comfortable, not look at how much the price of bread or gas is......now I scramble to save quarters to wash my clothes. My daughter pays half my rent....and I feel guilty as hell that she does. She works so hard and pays for me to have a roof over my head. I am a grown woman with an education who can not work and I hate the fact that I have to rely on my children in order to live. My husband called yesterday....bragging on how he treated all his friends to dinner the other day and spent the day at a recreational facility renting toys. I can not afford to rent a video. He has not paid one cent of spousal support. The court has ordered him to make the house payments which he lives in....my mothers house. I pay for his health insurance since it was in my name and the court says I can not drop him until the divorce is over. The world is dark and it is so unfair. Cancer has taken so much from me...divorce is a good thing but is so hard. I know this seems like I am whining....but I am just so frustrated. I am scared and finding hope is hard. Someone sent me a bible passage that all I needed was to have faith the size of a mustard seed. I have faith....I have fear also.