Sleepless.....

It is closed to midnight and I am unable to sleep. My mind has been going over the latest health crisis over and over. There doesn't seem to be a shut off switch in my brain to quiet the thoughts. My HMO has an email system where you can email your doctor. I emailed my oncologist on Friday to state my case for the biospy. I noted to him that I have had two surgeries since I was diagnosed with cancer and had no complications. I also noted that the tumor did respond to Chop Chemo which is the very harsh chemo before therefore it is only plausable that this cyst in my pelvis is a cancer that responds only to harsh chemo but to the maintence one, so I am willing to take the risk to find out exactly what it is so it can be treated. I did not expect a response until tomorrow, but after having dinner with my family I noticed I had an email from my doctor. He agreed with my presuptions that the cyst did shrink before but stated that he was not comfortable with the risks on doing a biopsy. He wants to wait a few weeks and see what the cyst does. My logical mind screams NO....take care of this now. I do not want to wait. Patience is something that I have never mastered. This cancer has so many branches spread over my body and this cyst seems to be a large branch to just watch and wait. Each day, I watch the news and another person of some fame has died of cancer. This morning a California Congresswoman died. Lately there has been so many people annoucing that they have cancer and each time it is said a part of me quivers. I find myself crying a lot. In private, away from the girls, so not to spoil the upcoming graduation of my daughter from law school. I also do not want to give them the impression that I am afraid. I keep asking "Why Me?" Why can't I just get a break? There is no anwser......hope that things will be better again is all I have but that seems like it is further out of reach right now. I use this blog as a way to purge my feelings.....a way to flush away some of the emotional pain. This is the time one yearns for thier mother to soothe away the pain....and yet I know that is something that I do not have. Perhaps some of the emotion is driven by the fact that my mom would have been 89 on May 10th had she lived. So close to mother's day. The anniversary of her death is in June.

Notes from friends who know what is going on with me has been a blessing. My own cheerleading squad of people telling me to keep my head up. I just wish I could sleep and not think about this......I wish I could run away.....