crying

Another day of tears. It is the beginning of the month and chemo is scheduled for the 12th. I again have no one to take me....I have decided to drive myself. I will try as best I can because there is no one to take me. I walk with a limp now. I have a cane and it does not help. My left leg is always in pain and swollen. No amount of drugs helps. As a birthday present my daughters took me to see my favorite play Phantom of the Opera. In the lobby they were selling sovveniers and programs. The first time I saw Phantom, I was given a jewelry music box that when opens has a mask come up and plays "angel of the night". This time they were selling a music box with a monkey that played masquerade. I saw it and wanted it so bad. In the old days I would not have thought twice and just bought it. I have not bought anything for myself in a long time. As I am watching the play, I remember my sister had given me a visa gift card. I sit and debate in my head....do I spend it on a music box or use it for medical expenses. All my pension goes to medical expenses. I just want a day of normalcy.....a day to forget that I am a cancer patient, a broke almost divorced depressed woman. I just want one day that I can feel like I did before. During intermission the girls and Marissa husband go off to get a drink. I sit there and say to myself treat yourself.....so I buy the music box, it was my birthday present money to use on something for me. I rationalize it. When I return, my family stares at me in disbelief. How could I spend money on something as useless as a music box?? I am scolded and feel like a child who was caught cheating. The lights lower and tears start to fall......I cry silently... When the play is over I can not return the box. They take me to a resturant for dinner and immediatly begin chiding me for the purchase. I feel awful...I know the money should have been used to help pay for this months meds. I just wanted something special for once. The next morning over breakfast they continue to scold me about the box. I can no longer hold the tears and they start rolling down my face. I am told to not take it personally.....geez.....why am I so sensitive?? I just say sorry....and again put on the mask that everything is ok. Inside the pain grows.....I feel so alone.

I use every penny of my social security checks to pay my own bills. I get no help from anyone..........no charities....no family members.... Everyone buys things for themself yet I am not allowed to. I hate being in the position I am in and I screw up sometimes. I would never wish anyone to go through what I am going through......yet I would like some understanding.....a bit of empathy.

I guess crying is all I have.....