No holiday spirit for me

Christmas was not festive. I felt inadequate with my simple gifts. At one point one was rejected, the person embarassed that I gave it to her. Christmas eve and Christmas day I felt lost....not a part of what was going on. Fresh on my mind is the no treatment situation I am in.....wondering, okay obsessing that cancer is now free to grow. I could not enjoy the day even if I felt like I was wanted. Last week, on the day of my last chemo, my car was vandalised so badly it was undriveable. my attorney went to court on that day and got spousal support granted......the minute Armando found out he stopped going to work ending with them firing him. He yelled at me that I ruin lives....feels like everything I touch I destroy. I can't find the light anymore.....lost in self pity and illness...life is in the toilet.