early morning Saturday

I woke up at 4am this morning. I had gone to sleep late but nightmares invaded my dreams and I decided to get up and putter around my home. On Thursday I watched John and Elizabeth Edwards announce the re-occurance of her breast cancer. The phrase of her cancer being not curable but treatable resounded in my mind. I heard those words over 3 years ago and the creeping fear that they evoked then seemed to arise again. I have been on maintence chemo. I go in every 3 months like an oil change to have the toxic drugs and biologics pumped into me to stave off the cancer that is treatable but not curable. My next treatment is the second week of April. Each morning I do the checks....I feel my abdomen for lumps and bumps. I do a breast check. I wonder each morning if I will find a new lump. I wonder if my lungs have growth that I can not feel. As much as I hate the taste of the medicine for the CT scans, I crave the test to reaffirm that I am still in remission. As I watched Elizabeth Edwards talk about her cancer I thought she looked brave...I recognized that face. It is one that all cancer survivors put on for their families to reassure them that everything will be alright. Under the brave face, you have the anxiety that the cancer is still treatable. You think positive and savor the moments that God has afforded you, and while no one is around, you feel for lumps and pray that the lump is maybe fat and not a tumor.