A lot to talk about

There is a lot to talk about today...I have not written anything since Friday. Jennifer's birthday was really nice. My bestfriend Manuel and I met up with Jennifer and Marissa and about 6 of their friends for dinner at a Greek resturant. You could see the excitement in Jennifer's eyes as she was going to have dinner and cake with me and then go out with her friends to the clubs. Dinner was good....a mishap only happenning when Manuels food was undercooked, then the owner of the resturant apologized and brought new food..while cursing the cook in Greek. It was like a Jerry Sienfield movie. We had cake at the girl's apartment and opened gifts. One of the gifts to Jenninfer was a bottle of Patron Tequila from a young man. It was funny seeing Jennifer and her friends take shots of the tequila and other things to jump start thier evening of dancing and clubbing. As Manuel and I left, they were walking to a local club where their friend bar tends for drinks....on Saturday Marissa reported that she was the designated walker and had to caretake all the others as they got pretty drunk. Since it was her birthday, everyone bought her drinks, and Jennifer experienced her first hangover....a lesson that Patron is not her friend.

On Saturday, I was tired...a sense of fatigued that was incrediable. I had not stayed out late but my body hurt all over and I was so tired, that doing small tasks felt as if I was mountain climbing. Sunday was more of the same accept I was running a low grade fever and I could barely stay awake during the day. When it was time to cook dinner I was greatful for Jennifer to help me get it done. Afterwards more pain and fever. It was hard keeping my eyes opened and I felt like I kept losing my train of thought. I was grateful to go to bed...my head was pounding,and my body was so exhausted. But as usual...at 4am I am awakened with the need to use the bathroom......only to have it trickle out.

Tomorrow Tuesday I will have a camera inserted into my bladder to see if the tumor has infiltrated. I am a little scared but I want answers and a solution to this tumor problem. My constant urge to pee and pain is awful, yet when I do go hardly nothing comes out. This scares me...

On Wednesday I will have Chemo. It will be the first time that my friend is taking me and not Marissa. I hated to ask him. His mother pasted away from cancer so I am sure that it will be hard on him to be in an infusion room. I am hoping that the urologist and the oncologist will have answers for me on Wednesday. The uncertainty of these new symptoms and the bladder tumor has had me have had a few breakdowns. I find myself crying in the shower, so no one hears my tears. I feel lost. I feel like I have to put on a brave face......yet I am so scared. I am scared because I have lost my sense of fight. The battle of cancer and lupus are winning. I feel defeated by the diseases. I am but a ghost of who I once was. A shadow on the wall of life. When I look into the mirror I no longer see me...I see remments of who I once was. There are no words to describe how I have changed. When I pray I feel I am bargaining with God to let me continue on.....I want to see certain things. I want to see my daughters marry. I want to not be a burden to my family and friends. I feel I am like water on the pavement on a hot day.....slowly evaporating into nothing.

What will happen remains to be seen.

Thursday is Marissa's birthday. I am hoping I will not be too sick from chemo to go to dinner with her and her friends.

July is quickly passing. At the end of the month Marissa will take the Bar exam.....then the wait until November to see if she passes. She is going to Costa Rica in August with her bestfriend for a week. As a mother, having my child travel to a strange country I know nothing about is frightening. It is part of letting go. Her journey into adulthood. Does a mother ever stop being a mother?

So my blog buddies, I have a big week ahead.....cross your fingers, rub your lucky rabbit foots and pray that the week turns out well. Okay.....the bathroom is calling....until next time....peace out.