Memories

There are memories in your life and sets the course of who you are going to be.

Sometimes they're little subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.

No one asks for their life to change, but it does. Its what you do afterwards that counts. Thats when you find out who you are.

As I sit here typing I refect on all the small moments and the large moments that have happened in my life and I wonder if I have lived my life the best I could. I think we all have regrets....on why we didn't follow a certain path, but we live with the paths we have chosen and do the best we can. I married young, got pregnant quickly, three months after the wedding. Nine months later my first daughter was born. Three months pasted and my youngest was growing in my belly. At 22 I was the mother of two lovely girls. I was also diagnosed with Lupus in between the pregnacies. Then 3 years ago cancer became a roadstop in my life. Cancer almost stopped me in my path...it was devasting when I heard the news. Then I decided to fight and I began this cancer journey. My life has changed so much....never would I think that I would be on disability, struggling to make ends meet and praying each day that I wake up. I have become stronger in some aspects, but weaker also. I constantly look and ask for new treatments in hopes of beating the expiration date that was given me. I mourn the fact that my daughters have become caretakers of me both physically and emotionally. That is something I would never have wanted to happen. When my daughters were born I only wanted the best for them. I wanted them to have educations and be strong independent women. They both have college degrees and more....and they both are strong and independent but if you look deeply in their eyes, you see worry.

Most women of their age do not have to worry about losing a parent or making sure that their parent is ok. Most young women have cut the strings and are building lives of their own. I regret that mine have to see me at my worse, and try to help me not loose it when things are not better. I cry for their loss of innocence. I cry that I still hang onto to them when I know that I have to let go.

It is hard to let go and not hang on.....going solo in this battle is scary. The path is full of letdowns and broken dreams. Each time a new tumor is discovered, I try hard to keep the faith. Lately my oldest is studying to pass her BAR exam so she can get her license to practice law. Her time is precious and is full of study.

It was hard for me to see that I had to let go and give her time, and not involve her in every detail of my battle. I had to face things alone...reach out to others for help when all I really wanted was her smile of assurance that it was going to be okay. The fact that I did changed me...it filled me with fear and loneliness so strong that I sometimes felt on days that it would be easier for all if the cancer would just take me. I had to fight those feelings and but I can see that once I felt strong, and I no longer feel that way. My doctor said I was a hero because I kept fighting, but I think he is wrong. The real hero's are my daughters that still love me even when I am hard to love. The fight that I once had is not as strong as it once was. I have finally realized that no matter what treatments or pills I take, this cancer is slowly eating me......heart, body and soul. I will try to keep up the fight but I know that I have no control on what life will bring me. I will just live each day as best as I can and see what these moments of time has left me to be.