the month of June

The month of June has many dates that are important to me. Three years ago on June 7,2005 my mother passed away. She had suffered for days in the ICU and then she finally went to her resting place. The last words she said to me was I love you. I was the last one with her and when she passed it was if a part of me died also. When Marissa planned her wedding, for some odd reason I did not connect June 7th with my mom's passing, In my muddled mind I thought it was June 10th, but that was the day of the funeral. So yesterday I went to the cementary to place flowers on her headstone and there staring me in the face was the date and all I could think of was my daughter was starting a new life as a wife on the day her grandmother lost her life. I saw my daughter yesterday and did not remind her or tell her of the mix up of dates. I thought that maybe her Grandmother would be happy for her to have found her soulmate and marry him more important than the date she left us. Marissa had her grandma's rosary when she got married...so that her grandmother would be with her on her special day.

June is also the anniversary of my marriage that soon will end. June 12th is when I married a stranger who to this day still torments me. Yesterday, as I was trying to honor the memory of my mother he showed up to inflict more pain on me. Someone told me yesterday, that I was not strong because I did not have him arrested yesterday, and I could not answer that. I had been conditioned to accept the abuse that fear overtook me, that had I had him arrested, he would later come after me harder. The person had never been in an abusive relationship...they don't know that even though I am out of that house, when he is near me or leaving nasty messages I still have fear in my heart that reduces me helpless. I have tried to take back my life but over 20 years of conditioning is hard to let go of. I have been changed forever, damaged goods...

I also started chemo for the first time in June....a week after my mother passed I started to fight the cancer that is still eating away at me. I have surpassed the original date but it is like a dark cloud hanging over my head, waiting to strike when I am not looking.

I have tried to be strong with all the turmoil in my life, but I feel like I keep getting knocked down. The escape of domestic abuse has not been easy, niether has the divorce. Fighting cancer is exhausting, and I sometimes feel emotionally broken.

The good thing is that my daughter is so happy with her marriage and I am happy for her. I want June's bad memories to become joyous for she is so happy that it makes me smile when I see her. I ask God to get me through it and stay in the positive light and not sink into the dark place where I have dwelled far too long.

Searching for the light...hoping to stay on the positive side.