The Pelvic mass

I had a sleepless night, the pain in my stomach and right armpit area reminding me that all is not well. I send an email to my lupus doctor and Oncologist.....hoping the pain is Lupus but knowing by the fear rising in me is that of panic that one who lives with cancer knows so well. Six more days until my daughter graduates from law school....I feel alone in my fear, for I do not want to share news so close to her big day for fear of spoiling it. I want her to concentrate on her bar review classes that she is now enrolled in. I do not want another cancer set back to distract the family. I am worried, and the funny thing is that I am worried that the gift that I have purchased for her is not perfect for her grand day. I want to give her more yet I know that I should not touch the funds I have set aside for my eventual funeral. For even in my inpending death I do not want to be a burden to my family.

My lupus doctor emails back....to take more pain meds and wait to hear from the Oncologist......Finally an email comes from the cancer doctor and he says that the pelvic mass (tumor) is putting pressure on your bladder and a biopsy is too dangerous, because of your history we can assume that the Lymphoma is growing larger again. He wants me to make an appointment so he can touch the painful lumps in my armpit breast areas......he says he does not want to subject me to the harsh chemo again but perhaps this is a course we should talk about. He talks about the quality of my life versus the aggressive treatment. The quality of my life right now is crappy.....I am in constant pain and in mental turmoil over the ever growing cancer. I am in mental anguish over spoiling my daughters big day.......I want to be hopeful but honestly can not find any hope right now......I feel lost.