February 2010

It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. Afraid of insurance company using my distraction of writing againest me. So much happened last year. The year was jammed backed with bad and good news.......
Armando and I have come to a truce. He sometimes calls and yells but for the most part leaves me alone. He still lives in my mothers house with my things and refuses to let me have them. The house is in foreclosure because he left his job, emptied his retirement accounts and drank away the money. The bank has not taken it yet but it is just a matter of time. This has destroyed my credit and the dream of owning a house again is gone.
Nine months ago, the hospital called and said my husband was in the emergency room. It was in the early morning around 3am. They said I was his emergency contact and his liver was failing. I did not know what to do. I could not call the girls and waited until the morning and after struggling with myself decided to tell them and go to the hospital. They had not seen him since I left nor had spoken to him. His threats of death againest them still fresh in their hearts from when I left. As I was leaving my oldest daughter called and asked if I was going to the hospital. I said I was.....I don't know why but compassion came over me. She asked to go with me. We drove in silence and entered the room. His body was bloated with liquid. His legs the size of tree trunks and his belly huge with fluid. They were draining fluid but there was too much. He refused to say he was an alcoholic and told him that if he continued to drink he would die because his liver was damaged beyond repair. I glanced sideways at my daughter and noticed that the flat belly that she has always had a bump. I stood in his view because he did not even know she had gotten married since he had been cut out of her life. At first he was grateful to see us but the alcohol withdraws began and garbage began spilling from his mouth. He said things like how worthless I was and how he hated me for what I had done. I had ruined his life. He did not remember that he was my abuser but that because of me he was no longer a functioning alcoholic. We left the hospital no longer able to take the verbal abuse.....he was bloated and was going to be sent home refusing help.
As we walked in the parking lot I asked my daughter if she was pregnant?....She was surprised and said yes, how did I know? I told her she was my baby and I knew every toe on her and she has never had a hint of a belly. She was just a few weeks and was going to tell her sister and I after she had a few more weeks to make sure all was ok. She swore me to secretcy. Inside a joy came over me. When I got cancer I mourned that I would never see grandchildren and now during this ackward moment in the ER I was being told I would be a grandmother. Tears welled up in my eyes.....this was truely a dream.
Armando was readdmitted to the hospital because of more swelling....he was so big no clothes would fit over his abnormal swollen body. His brother did not want to care for him and called me to help. I told him I would do what I can but did not trust Armando, even in this sick state. He had Cirrosis of the liver and need a new one but could not be put on a transplant list because he did not admit to being an alcoholic. Finally after tons of meds and drains the fluid from his body went down. A camera was put down his throat because he could not eat without throwing up. Again he called me to go with him to the doctor because he had no one to take him. I did out of some sense of loyalty that was misplaced.
The doctor apologized and said he had an ulcer, but that was not the bad part. There was cancer growing in his stomach brought on by the drinking and neglect. The doctor was refferring him to a surgeon to remove his stomach because there was no chemo for this type of cancer. How ironic that the man who never helped me through my cancer journey was now beginning one of his own.
My granddaughter was born on New Years day. I was honored to be at the birth that lasted 30 hours..and was the hardest thing to see my little daughter in so much pain. But the moment little Sophia came out, pain was forgotten and she was embraced by her mother. She was perfect with her mothers nose and a lot of charistics of her father. She cried when not held......annoucing to the world that she was here. She already is showing a strong personality.
Armando a few days after the birth had his stomach removed. He was angry that this was happenning and continues to drink......saying he is dying so it does not matter. He has seen pictures of his grandchild because I felt he needed to know if in fact he was dying. He was overjoyed and even bought gifts for a baby his daughter does not want to share with him. How sad that he has traded his role in his daughters life and now his granddaughters life for a bottle of whiskey.
He has gone back to his old ways of verbally insulting me and is broke. He lent tons of people and family money and they now refuse to help him in his time of need.
My life has not been easy. During my daughters pregnacy my lungs were filled with tumors and I went through 8 weeks of chemo. The role of my chemo buddy was replaced with a friend because my daughter could not be around chemo drugs and honestly did not want do go through chemo treatments again with me even if she was not pregnant. I fell and tore my knee during the weeks of chemo. The doctor said he would operate on it if I made it through. So my battle with NHL began again and this time the cancer was put at bay again. My scan came back clean after the treatment to the surprise of the oncologist. Chemo was not easy,...my friend wanted me to stay at her house and care for me and I wanted my bed. It hurt her feelings and I felt bad but I could not rely on anyone again for the fear of being let down. Past hurts resurfaced and as much as I wanted to open my heart, I closed off......feeling alone because I wanted my daughters to help me.....and they could not and would not play that role in my life.
The last year I have felt so scared and alone. Finaces are mess.....emotionally I am so fragile that tears come daily. I have isolated myself. My heart is bricked off so I will not be wounded again, not by family or romanantic partners.
My granddaughter has colic and my daughter has reached out for me for help.
I don't mind calming the baby.....but feel sad that a colic baby is the only reason she has needed me. If not for the baby, I would be an inconvience and an embarrassment. I am the woman who told the world of the secret abuse. I am the woman who has no finacial security blanket and has to shop at the dollar store to buy groceries. I am no longer the self confident finacially secure mother who she once looked up to. Now I am the arms who calms the baby.......
The baby is sweet........her scent is heaven and the feel of her in my arms is a dream.
My knee was operated on and I was dropped back at the house and forced to fend for myself .....with orders not to walk on it, I had to to feed myself. I could not bathe myself alone and finally broke down and cried and asked a friend to come help me. Again the friend felt I should have let them take care of me at their house.....but my pride would not let me. So I suffered alone and now my knee still feels bad.
The past year has had so many ups and downs........the new baby is the best part of my life. I pray that I can make it finacially. I pray that I can make it emotionally. I pray the cancer stays at bay....