Labor Day

Today is Labor day, and it has been almost month since I have written. A lot has gone on, some good and some not so good. I went through a tough period where I had to adjust that my relationship with Marissa has changed. We are not fighting anymore but the closeness we once had is no longer there. Marissa, Jenny and I were overly close because of the house of abuse we lived in. I counted heavily on my girls because of the abuse and then when cancer entered our lives, even more so. It was dysfunctional, that they did not get the childhood they deserved....free of turnmoil and being forced to grow up faster than others.

We have found a truce between us, we avoid conversations that are triggers for feelings and emotions. We speak less and see each other less. Her life as a married woman is more stable than any part of her life that she has ever had.

Jennifer and I continue to live together. She has been wonderful and compassionate. My goal is to move out on my own. If only the divorce will finally settle and hopefully will have enough to buy something small but nice.

Jennifer has developed asthma and has no insurance. One trip to the doctor the debt incurred was crazy. Trying to get her insurance is hard. She loves her job but it does not pay enough to live on. She has to make changes, but they need to come from her. I can no longer arrange her life as if she was a child. Things were easier when they were little.

Armando still does not know where I live, but continues to call and harass. His life is going well. He has a new car, he has our house and as I struggle with having enough to cover my bills and medicines he does not have to worry.

I try hard not to let the all the stuff going on put me in a bad place, but I would be lying if I said it does not. It is hard not to worry and stress over strained relationships and finacial worries.

I will have chemo this month. Right now I do not have anyone to take me. Marissa used to be the one, but her new job and life does not allow her to do so anymore. Jennifer still does not drive so she can not.

Friends I had have drifted away.....I have isolated so they have moved on.

The cancer continues to grow......but I have no worries about it anymore. It has changed me so much that I no longer worry about expiration dates. Depression is more of a worry than anything.

I live off my credit cards, and did something foolish.....I was feeling so low that I charged a short trip for Jen and I. A time away to rest and see if I could find peace within. The week was good for me and Jenny to reconnect, but the inner peace I sought out did not come, it was just quiet for a few days. Coming home I still have the worries I had before. Still no chemo partner, still have pain.....just more in debt than ever.

Today is Labor day....people are off and are celebrating the end of summer....it is a normal day for me. Tomorrow I will go to my Lawyers' office and push that they finish the process up. I will try to stay even tempered and see if I can be happy.