Pride

Being in the cancer club you have to get used losing things. I used to be able to read labels on boxes, now even with my glasses my vision has become so bad that I have to guess what it says or wait for Jen to come home ask her to read it to me. I have to ask people to help me get to appointments. This morning I woke up in so much pain. The pain was so strong that laying down, or sitting hurt so bad. My body felt stiff and like it had been beat up with a brick. I took more pain meds....something that has been getting more and more frequent. I sat and cried for I could not call my daughter to take me to the hospital because she can not miss work. I could not drive myself because of the pain and the medication I was on.....so I just cried and prayed that the pain would pass. I thought who can I call?? I felt I could not call any friends because they do so much for me as it is....I feel I walk alone in the journey and I wish I had someone in my life that I could just roll over and say help me......but I don't have that luxury. My pride stops me from asking for help, so I suffer in silence. My pillows know that I am suffering but no one else does. We spent the fourth of July in Disneyland. The trip had been planned long ago because Jenny wanted to celebrate her birthday there. I did not say I was too sick and exhausted to go. I just arranged for an electric wheel chair. This was the first time traveling with Marissa and her New husband, Jenny and me. He is really fit and does not understand illness or pain. The crowds at the park were very large and it was hard to manuver the chair. People would step in front of me and thier is no break. We could not get close to the castle to see the fireworks because of the chair. I felt like I had let everyone down by the look on their faces. My self esteem dropped each time a look or a remark was made. I was even asked to walk at times because the chair was a problem. It didn't seem to matter that I hurt and was so tired. My pride did not let me speak up and say no. I didn't want to spoil their time. So I sucked it up and cried later alone in the room. One the last night I stayed in the hotel so they could enjoy the park without the hinderance of the chair. They raved about all they did and how much fun they had. It only proved to me that I was indeed a burden to them. I am so tired.....does life ever get any easier?