Chemo Day

Today was a chemo day. It was different than other chemo days. Normally Marissa takes me to chemo, she has been my chemo buddy since the beginning.

Her new job does not allow her time off like her old job did to take me to chemo so I had to call a friend to take me. I have been in a lupus flare the last week and just not feeling great so I was worried going in. I was called back by the nurse and my vital were taken. My blood pressure was 150 over 101, really high. She took it three times and left the room. Last time my BP was this high was when I was sent home without treatment. The danger of a heartattack happening with the chemo drugs is very high. As I am waiting the chemo social worker comes in. My first reaction is fright.....what if this is the day that we have the talk about hospice is the thought that runs through my mind. But I dodged a bullet and she tells me about precription program that might help Jenny get her drugs. She reads my blogs and saw the post where I talked about the high cost and Jenny not having health insurance. I am happy and relieved with this conversation and glad that it is not one about my own treatment.

My oncologist comes in.....we talk about my BP and he raises the dose I am to be on and says lets try to have treatment today.....my mind is at ease.

My friend feels uncomfortable being in the treatment area and decides to wait in the regular waiting room.....today I am so anxious the Benedryl bag does not put me out. The room is really full today. A woman who has lost her hair and being treated for lung cancer is seated across from me. She is engaged in a conversation with another cancer patient seated next to me and they are talking about wigs...I join in on the conversation and tell them my experience with wigs was that they were too hot. Both women are newly diagnosed so I feel like I am the senior of the cancer club. They are both worried and one starts to cry about the what ifs....and the why me's of having cancer. I tell her, that my original experation date was 6 months to 3 years and I have long passed that. That she could be hit by a bus tomorrow so to stop worrying about what might happen and the loss of her hair and just enjoy the moment. I can not believe I am telling her that cancer was a gift to me...it made me appreciate my family, my daughters and the small things in life. It was as if God had stopped me in my path to realize that I needed to pay attention to the small stuff that existed all around me....to cherish life even when it was hard. I told her how lucky both of then were to have their husbands there with them, caring for them. I did not have that luxury. I said you can take time to be upset for a moment but please don't let cancer run your life....Having treatment was fighting and you have to adopt a fighters attidude to beat your cancer. The ladies began to relax and we started talking about foods and other silly things. My treatment ended and I bid them goodbye.....they were most likely not going to be here next time I was because thier treatment was for only a short time....mine will continue for as long as my body can take it. I could not believe I was actually saying cancer was a gift....but funny thing is I really believe that it was. It gave me courage to leave an abusive relationship. It gave me courage to parasail and snorkel. It gave me a voice. So yes, it is not fun being a member of this cancer club but it did have benefits.