Attidude

Attidude is everything.....I read it takes as much energy to have a positive attidude as it does to have a negative one. Lately I have been feeling extremely stressed out over my life. Trying to keep our household together, pay the bills, keep food on the table and not stress on my cancer journey has taken its' toll on me. I have noticed lately that I tend to be a pleaser.....doing things to make other people happy, putting their needs ahead of mine. I don't come first in their world and I don't even come first in my own world. Trying to fix things for others seems to be the priority. Or as I read yesterday, I am a codependent. I was married to an alcoholic and was physically abused. My way of coping was to hide my own feeling deep inside and try to make everyones elses world easier. I resented and maybe still resent that the ones I struggle to make their lives easier don't seem to ever try to make my life easier. If I stand up for myself, I am quickly put in my place....."don't be negative", "Don't ruin this event,"or even sometimes a snippy response when I ask about something. Recently I changed my message on my cell phone because I was bored and thought it was funny. A friend called to complain that she hated it and I needed to change it. I almost changed it, because I felt I needed to please her....and it struck me that I liked the stupid message, it made me laugh and I was tired of being the pleaser. My daughter has been out of work, I have another friend out of work also. Someone was kind enough to give me some links for state jobs. I shared it with both my daughter and my out of work friend. My friend has gotten several inquiries and possiable job offers from this. I casually mentioned how wonderful it was and that the money the jobs paid was great. I was reprimanded for saying that. Being told it is not about the money....I disagree, when you are struggling with not buying medicine so you can pay the electric bill, it is about the money. I understand that you take a job to be happy, but also understand that sometimes you take a job to survive. When you are in survival mode, taking jobs for the money is okay. Once you have a job, you can continue to look for something that will fit your emotional and personal needs.

I want to be first in someones world. I want my needs to be just as important as everyones elses. There is nothing wrong with doing something for myself. I should not feel guilty because I long for a mini vacation and a manicure......I should be able to speak my mind without someone scolding me for having an opinion. I deserve to be respected because I am the mom, the mother in law and the elder. Yes this is a cultural thing, there is nothing wrong with honoring my culture. I don't want to be snapped at because I said something that was not recieved or said the way the other person thought I should say it.

I am trying to hold on to my sanity and stay afloat, so if my attidude is a bit defient lately, I will no longer apologize. Love me for me, or just get out of my life because I can no longer please you. My attidude maybe percieved as being crappy...but this is me, unfiltered and trying to stop being codependent.