Many Paths

There are many paths in our lives. The roads ahead constantly change and we must adapt or we loose our way. My path has changed again. On Friday I saw the oncologist. I had been dreading this day, knowing inside I was to be given bad news....it's funny how your body tells you something is wrong. It is like being gifted with the power of knowing the future. My visit was not a good one. I wish I could write...hey I am in remission or I am cancerfree.....but alas, that nagging voice in my head was right. I am not in remission I am full of cancer. The doctor said he was baffled on the fact that the cancer has returned so agressively. The pelvic mass is growing larger and pressing againest my bladder intertiwened with viens etc....untouchable to surgery. He said he needed help....wanted more doctors to consult with. There are tumors in my breast area....painful and to be honest heartbreaking. I listened to him say he did not know what to do. I said how can this be....you deal with cancer each day, how do you not know what to do?? He looked at me with saddness in his eyes....and said I can give you some more pain meds, something to stop the urge of having to urinate and order more tests. I am stubborn....I left his office and went to the business office......I said I want and need a 2nd opinion. At first ...they tried to refer me to another doctor within their system..I said no. I want to be seen by someone else outside of the Kaiser Group. I told them you are paid double for my care.....since I have double insurance.....therefore I deserve to be seen by a better facility or doctor. The woman said...if you can find someone, to see you...you have the right to that. I called the Cancer Center Hospitals of America located in Seattle Washington. They were very nice.....we have a cancellation for tomorrow she said......can you come in? I live in California..but yes I will be there. I called my husband, told him I was going to take the next flight to Seattle....I said like a child....Can I please go? He was in a meeting....hurridly said yes. I got online, found a flight,hotel and rental car within minutes......I had to be at the airport within the next 3 hours. I threw whatever I could in a duffle bag....in a frenzy....not knowing what the weather would be....not knowing what I would need.......not knowing what to expect in a city so far away, and one that I had not ever visited.

I had not told my oldest daughter of my latest cancer news....I did not want to distract or ruin her law school graduation....but I was leaving now....my daughters had to be told. My youngest was teaching class, so I left her a voicemail explaining as best as I could that I was leaving for a second opinion this very minute. I told her I loved her and not to worry in my bravest voice. I then texted my older daughter, the same message...she was in a law review class. She left class crying, asking why didn't I tell her what was going on. I told her, I wanted you to have your day......free of worry.......free of being the child of a mother with cancer. She said I want to go with you. I said no. I told her I needed to do this journey alone. I needed to have time to cry and be angry and not be a mom and have a brave face. I needed time to finally grieve the fact that I will never get better. She again asked to please let her come with me. I told her I need this time.....I won't ask for time alone again...but I need this.

I flew to Seattle....a city I had only seen in movies and in pictures. I rented a car, and followed the instructions to my hotel...in a daze. I was so focused on finding the hotel that I did not notice that just down the street was the space needle. 8 blocks away was this huge tribute to science...yet I did not notice until Sunday. The cancer center people were nice...they were blunt. I was told lose wieght, change your diet, but alas....the news was the same...the mass was untouchable at this moment.....they did not agree with taking the meds for pee urgency...said I could not control my internal tempurture with it and it could hurt my kidneys. Said loose wieght and the mass won't press so hard. I did not get the answers I wanted. I did get the chance to cry, grieve and be angry. I explored a city alone....walking the streets..alone in my thoughts seeing the sights...crying that I did not get the reprieve I seeked. I saw the fish market....indulged myself in carriage ride around old Seattle and being the non drinker went to a bar and drank trying to drink away my sorrows. The drinks did not wash away the pain. The bartender asked if I was a tourist...I said do you want the truth? I am dying...and came here looking for answers, but I did not find any. As I walked back to my hotel I looked up....saw the space needle, laughed that I had not noticed it before. On Sunday morning it was raining....I had only brought summer clothes...so I went to Macys and bought some approiate clothes. I then went to the space needle...rode the elevator to the top and marveled at the peace of being 650 feet in the air. I had a cup of coffee and just sat and looked out......saying to myself I will come back to this city with my girls and let them see the beauty and friendliness of the city. Everyone I talked to was nice. On one morning as I was trying to get my bearings to get on the freeway to go to the cancer center....a homeless man was running down the street carrying a pizza box. He stopped...stared at me and said "want a slice of pizza?" I politely declined and he ran off. This city was full of people so friendly that even the homeless was helpfull.

I flew home on Monday......upgraded my ticket to first class.....and came home.

I came home to my family. To my reality of my life. I have a CT scan tomorrow....but I already know the news. I am a cancer patient....no longer a cancer survivor.