Tides are changing

The tides are changing......nothing ever stays the same. One day I am at peace with my cancer, the next I am in a panic.

Yesterday was a tough day for me....I had a CT scan that was scheduled for 630 pm. If you have ever had a CT scan you know you drink the barium smoothies......yesterday I drank one for breakfast, a thick fake vanilla flavor concoction that made my stomach do flip flops, then one hour before the scan I drank another one. The second one was harder to swallow. I wanted to gag as I sipped 32 oz of this liquid torture but held it in. My stomach felt betrayed, craving a meal and instead getting the barium. I thought I would drive myself to the CT scan, but my friend called me as I was getting ready to leave and said let me take you. I wanted to say no, but inside I wanted company...just knowing that someone would drive me when I was feeling ill and scared gave me comfort. We drove to the appt. and I was so grateful to have company. This weekend I have an art show.....usually I am excited and prepare for weeks. I have not done anything to prepare for this show and am fighting with myself to call and cancel. I am not in the mood to put on a happy face mask and talk to people about my photos and art. I have lost interest at this moment in time. I know I will be happy to see old friends and I always like seeing the way people react to my art, but my mood has changed.....my life has changed. Art was theraphy for me before, now for some reason I am struggling to hold on to my love of painting. I listened to a song called Rehab yesterday by Amy Winestock....there is a line where it says " They want to put me in Rehab....but I say no, no, no....I am just depressed." I think I am just depressed.....and I hope the tides will change so I can find my love of art again.